On the wall of a church was a sign:
“If you are tired of sin, come to see us!”
And right below it in nice rounded letters;
“But if you’re not, my phone number is 341 3451”
Author: admin
Cherry
Q: Whats the difference between a woman on the street with a red drink and a prostitute?
A: Ones got a cherry pop and the other has a popped cherry!
Knock knocky
Ok, so this isn’t really a knock knock joke but who cares? anyway here it is.
here’s a really good tip:
never spit or pee into the wind.
Q: How many Germans
Q: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Ve are asking ze qvestions here!
Poor farmer
A farmer is sitting in the village pub getting pissed. A man comes in and asks the farmer, ‘Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?’ Farmer: ‘Some things you just can’t explain.’ Man: ‘So what happened that is so horrible?’ Farmer: ‘Well, if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over’ Man: ‘That’s not so bad, what’s the big deal?’ Farmer: ‘Some things you just can’t explain. ‘ Man: ‘So then what happened?’ Farmer: ‘I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over. ‘ Man: �Again? So what did you do then?’ Farmer: ‘I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. ‘ Man: �And then what.’ Farmer: ‘I sat back down and continued to milk her and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.’ Man: ‘Wow, you must have been pretty upset.’ Farmer: ‘Some things you just can’t explain.’ Man: ‘So then what did you do?’ Farmer: ‘Well, I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.’
History of the bagpipes
Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven’t seen the joke yet.
I don’t go to church.
I don’t go to church. Kneeling bags my nylons.
Student debt
Applying for a job, the new lawyer was asked if paying back his law school tuition would be a problem.”No,” he replied. “I paid that back right after my first case.””Really,” said the interviewer.”What case was that?””Uh–well, my dad sued me for it and won.”
Getting into heaven
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him “How do you expect to get into Heaven?”
The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'”
Submitted by Curtis
Editted by Calamjo
Clinton Lovin’
Bill: “Summer intern, had me a blast”
Monica: “White house intern, happened so fast”
Bill: “Met a girl, crazy for me”
Monica: “Met the prez, down on my knees”
Bill: “Summer days, sucking away, oh, I, but those summer nights”
Investigation Committee: “Well, ah.. well, ah….well, ah. uh Tell us more,
tell us more”
Linda Trip: “try to remember your best”
Investigation Committee: “Tell us more, tell us more”
Kenneth Star: “Did he come on your dress?”
Bill: “Wanted to screw her but she had a cramp”
Monica: “The prez is sexy – he makes my panties damp”
Bill: “She gave me head, right in the White House”
Monica: “I said OK, just don’t come in my mouth”
Investigation Committee: “Well, ah.. well, ah….well, ah. uh Tell us more,
tell us more”
Linda Trip: “he sounds like a swell guy”
Investigation Committee: “Tell us more, tell us more”
Kenneth Star: “Did he tell you to lie?”
Bill: “Press found out, it turned into a mess”
Monica: “He gave me fifty bucks to buy a new dress”
Bill: “She promised to lie, she made a vow”
Monica: “Wonder who is servicing him now”
Bill & Monica: “Sex filled dreams, ripped at the seams But………oh, Those
White House Nights”
Dumb momma
your momma so dumb she failed her blood test
Being Offensive At A Wedding
Show up totally smashed. Be as obnoxious and unruly as possible.
When the priest says his little “If anyone know any reason…” ditty, say, “Look at him! Look at her! These people should not reproduce!” or rattle off every mean, nasty thing the ex ever did to you, including that time when he went to see “Jesus Christ Superstar” with his mother on the night of your anniversary.
Send hookers. Laugh incessantly during the ceremony, for no apparent reason. Trip the bride on the way up. Wrestling, anyone? Two words: bomb threat.
Have a nice heart-to-heart with the mother of the bride (or groom). What you say is up to you, and the more horrid the better.
Pretend you’ve been seeing the groom secretly. Claim you’ve had his love child and he looks just like him.
Say you’ve had an affair with the bride if you’re female, and the groom if you’re male.
Make a big production about how this is all killing you. Laugh at anyone who takes you seriously.
Silly string! or, better yet…indoor frog baseball! “White Wedding” mysteriously piped into the church speaker system Maple syrup balloons. Or condoms. Cold oatmeal instead of rice or au gratin potatoes. Rigging the pulpit with firecrackers and other assorted pyrotechnics. Invitations sent to a really nasty biker gang. Sneaking into the groom’s underwear stash and rubbing everything with hot peppers. Drug the priest. Theatrical knives and stage blood. Fun. Flat tires.
Ever see that scene in “The Parent Trap” where the girls cut out the whole back of this other girl’s dress?
Use stage makeup to make yourself look *really* pale, and paint two little wound-marks on your neck. Act like a vampire.
Show up with a baby and claim it belongs to the newlyweds. Cover yourself with glue to improve your chances of catching the bouquet. Offer to show people pictures of the bride having sex with a dog. Tell people that you knew the bride before the sex-change operation.
Tell the bride that the only reason that you can look at her is because you used to be a proctologist.
Instead of a standard gift, give the newlyweds a gift certificate to a drug rehabilitation clinic.
As you move down on the receiving line, spit on each person. Ask the bride’s mother to give you oral sex. Give the bride some Binaca, and tell her it kills the taste of sperm. Propose a toast to the bride’s nose job. Steal the cards from the wedding gifts so nobody knows who they came from. Walk up to various guests and demand to see their invitations.
After the bride throws her garter, start people chanting, “Throw your bra…Throw your bra…”
Tell people that the groom had to be given Quaaludes to keep him from backing out.
Tell the rabbi there’s no money to pay him, and ask if he’ll settle for shtupping the bride.
Assure the bride’s mother that the groom is “Hung like a horse”. Return a bra which the bride left in your car.
If there’s a hunchback at the Jewish wedding, tell him that he has to wear a yarmulke on his head and another on his hump.
When the bride is coming down the aisle, push the organist out of the way and start playing “The Lady is a Tramp”.