Q: How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb?A: It depends whether the switch is on or off.
Author: admin
What’s her name?
A guy was invited to an old friends’ home for dinner.
His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy,
“I think it’s wonderful that after all the years you’ve been married, you still call your wife those pet names.”
His buddy hung his head. “To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
A housewife, an accountant
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked ”How much is 2 plus 2?”
The housewife replies: ”Four!”
The accountant says: ”I think it’s either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time.”
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, ”How much do you want it to be?”
Your ass
Ilike your style,
i like your class,
but most of all i like your ass.
The 2000 Darwin
The 2000 Darwin awards!(11 August 1999) A 42-year-old man killed himself watching the eclipse while driving near Kaiserslautern, Germany. A witness driving behind him stated that the man was weaving back and forth as he concentrated on the partially occluded sun, when he suddenly accelerated and hit the bridge pier. He had apparently just donned his solar viewers, which are dark enough to totally obscure everything except the sun.
Bill's Honeymoon
I heard that Bill Gates’s wedding night was less than blissful for his new bride. She found out why his company is named Microsoft.
Gift for Eve
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem!”
“What’s the problem, Eve?”
“Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I’m just not happy.”
“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.
“Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples.”
“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”
“What’s a ‘man’, Lord?”
“This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But, he’ll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He’ll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.”
“Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
“Yeah, well. He’s better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition.”
“What’s that, Lord?”
“You’ll have to let him believe that I made him first.”
Gabriel’s trumpet
A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession: “Today I
enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh. Father Goodwin came to me and told me that I
had the gates to Heaven here between my legs. Then he said that he had the key
to Heaven, and he put it in the gates.”
“BASTARD!” cried the Mother Superior. “For years he told me it was Gabriel’s
trumpet and I have been blowing it.”
Cheap hooker
What is the difference between a cheap hooker and an elephant?One rolls on its back for peanuts and the other one lives in a zoo.
Why Engineers do not cook…
Chocolate Chip Cookies Recipe:
Ingredients:
1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten
2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9.) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao 10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)
Directions:
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation.
In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous.
To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.
Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm).
Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston’s first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown.
Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
We are born naked, wet
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Bad Timing
A Ukraine businessman who bought a pager for each member of his staff as a New Years gift, was so alarmed when all 50 of them went off at the same time that he drove his car into a lamp post, a newspaper said Thursday.
The unnamed businessman was returning from the pager shop when the accident happened, the Fakty daily reported.
“With no more than 100 meters to go to the office, the 50 pagers on the back seat suddenly burst out screeching.
The businessman’s fright was such that he simply let go of the steering wheel and the car ploughed into a lamp post.”
After he had assessed the damage to the car, the businessman turned his attention to the message on the 50 pagers. It read:
“Congratulations on a successful purchase!”