What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?One less drunk.
Author: admin
sneaky gambler
a lady walks into a bank to deposit $20,000. the president of
the bank says “if u don’t mind me asking, where did you get all
of this money.”the lady says”i gamble, i make bets”. the banker
then asks “well what kind of bet would you make me?” the lady
says”i bet you $10,000 that this time next week your balls will
be square.” the man says “my balls, square!? you’ve got a bet
ma’am.”
for the next few days the banker checks himself everyday to be
sure that his balls weren’t turning square. on the week from the
day he see’s the woman walking down the street and checks
himself one last time and they were still round. well the woman
walks in with a man and the banker says “my balls are not square
i win the bet.” the lady says “well if you don’t mind i would
like to check myself i mean it is an awful lot of money.”the man
says “i guess your right”and drops his pants and tells her to
feel them. the man the women walked in with starts to bang his
head against the wall. the banker says “what is wrong with your
friend”the women says “thats my accountant and i bet him $20,000
that today i would be holding the president of the bank by the
balls!”
Europe
When your in the kitchen your Canadian and when your in the bathroom Europian!
Bill Gates
Q:what is the difference between Bill Gates and a viberator?
A:a viberator is an artificial dick!
CLERKS
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed
that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me
that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When
asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the
credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the
credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I
signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
Standing in line
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, “Just what the hell you are doing?”
“Well,” said the guy, “you see, I’m a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can’t help practicing my art!”
“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!” the guy replied. “I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?”
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could…
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
Clinton and Satan
Bill Clinton went to sleep at his desk one afternoon and had a strange dream. In the dream, he died and went to hell. When he gets there, Satan greets him and tells him that he will be there for all eternity, but, because of the way he behaved on earth while living, he gets to choose the type of punishment he will receive.Satan escorts him around and they come to a room where Newt Gingrich is stretched out on a rack, screaming in agony as the wheel is turned. Clinton says, “Nope, I don’t think I’d like that kind of punishment.” So they go on to the next room.There was Bob Dole, tied to a long pole and suspended over a large tub of raw sewage. He is lowered into the tank until completely submerged. After a few minutes he is lifted out of the tank, gasping and fighting for breath. As soon as he gets his breath back, he’s lowered again. “uh-uh!” says Clinton. “That’s not for me.”Finally they come to a room where Kenneth Starr is hanging from the wall by his thumbs. His pants are down around his ankles, and Monica Lewinsky is performing oral sex on him. Clinton says “OK, if I have to be punished forever, I’ll go for that way.”Satan says, “Fine. . . that will be your punishment for the next billion years. Monica! Your replacement is here!”
The Top 13 Signs You Watch Too Much TV
13> Your co-workers are obliviously to the fact that your ‘DayTimer’ is really a leather-bound TV Guide.12> You’re still trying to find a publisher for your book ‘C-Span for Dummies.’11> You have DSS, DVD, HBO, MTV, HDTV, MSNBC — and HSA (Huge Sofa Ass).10> To reduce ‘downtime’ — you got an *elective* colostomy. 9> Last night you dreamt Sally Struthers begged you to send money to buy rice for poor, starving Ally McBeal. 8> Your name: Nick Nickelodeon’s new channel: Nick for Nick 7> You write daily to the producers of ‘Bassmasters’ to urge them come out with movie version. 6> Your last comment to your most recent ex-wife: ‘Shhhhhhh! T.J. Hooker’s on.’ 5> You effortlessly crack walnuts with your clicker thumb. 4> Forget the dish, *you* have your own friggin’ satellite. 3> As surgeons painstakingly remove the petrified Cheetos embedded in your gargantuan ass cheeks, you spend the entire 7 hours staring dumbly at the EKG monitor. 2> Those 37 electrocutions still don’t deter you from watching cartoons in the shower. 1> The last time you *read* for enjoyment was when they subtitled Arnold the Pig on an episode of Green Acres.
Lunatic Asylum: The place where
Lunatic Asylum: The place where optimism most flourishes.
Little helper
An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.
It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child.
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby.
The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
“Hit him again,” the child said. “He shouldn’t have crawled up there in the first place!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
A somewhat drunk man feels a bald man’s head…
A somewhat drunk man feels a bald man’s head
and says, “Say, your head feels just like my
wife’s ass.”
The bald man feels his own head
and says with a grin, “You know, you’re right!”