Category: the battle of the sexes

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened
upon a frog in a pond. the frog said to the princess, “i was once a handsome
prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. one kiss from you and i will turn
back into a prince and we can marry, move into the castle with my mother, and
you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel
happy doing so.”
that night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she laughed to herself and
thought, “i don’t f****** think so!”

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don’t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out! And once they figured it out they wouldn’t be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS…….I’m sorry…what did you ask me?

Bill was chuckling at the bar when his friend Mike joined him. “Women, they
think they’re so smart,” he said with a sly smile, going on to explain that he’d
eavesdropped on a phone conversation between his fiancee, Lynn and her best
friend. “Amy,” she said, “Bill doesn’t know it yet, but the only time I’m
putting out is when I want to get pregnant.”

At this, Bill doubled over with laughter, and Mike looked at his friend with
some consternation, “I’d be mad as a hatter! Why aren’t you?” he asked.

“Why get mad?” answered Bill. “She’ll never know I’ve had a vasectomy!”

Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A: They’re married.

1) SIMPLE DUTIES- You go out to buy her flowers: +5 But return with beer: -5 You check out a suspicious noise at night: You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing: 0 You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something: +5 You pummel it with a six iron: +10 It’s her cat: -10 2) SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS You stay by her side the entire party: 0 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a drinking buddy: -2 Named Tiffany: -4 Tiffany is a dancer: -6 Tiffany has implants: -8 3) SATURDAY AFTERNOONS- You visit her parents: +1 You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3 You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3 And the television is off: -6 You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear:-6 And you didn’t even go to college: -10 And it’s not really your underwear: -15 4) HER BIRTHDAY- You take her out to dinner: 0 You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar: +1 Okay, it is a sports bar: -2 And it’s all-you-can-eat night: -3 It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10 You give her a gift: You give her a gift, and it’s a small appliance: -10 You give her a gift, and it’s not a small appliance: +1 You give her a gift, and it isn’t chocolate: +2 You give her a gift that you’ll be paying off for months: +30 You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10 With her credit card: -30 And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40 5) THOUGHTFULNESS You forget to pick her up at the bus station: -25 Which is in Detroit: -35 And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50 6) A NIGHT OUT WITH YOUR PALS You have a few beers: -9 For every beer after three, -2 again And miss curfew by an hour: -1 You get home at 3 a.m.: -20 You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30 And not wearing any pants: -40 Is that a tattoo? -200 7) A NIGHT OUT, JUST THE TWO OF YOU You go see a comic: +2 He’s crude and sexist: -2 You laugh: -5 You laugh too much: -10 She’s not laughing: -15 You laugh harder: -25 8) DRIVING You lose the directions on a trip: -4 You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10 You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15 You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals: -25 She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60 9) COMMUNICATION When she wants to talk, you listen, displaying a concerned expression: +20 When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5 You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV: +10 She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep: -50

Men are like … LaxativesThey irritate the shit out of you.Men are like … MascaraThey usually run at the first sign of emotion.Men are like … Mini SkirtsIf you’re not careful they’ll creep up your legs.Men are like … NoodlesThey’re always in hot water, they lack taste, and the need dough.Men are like … Parking SpotsThe good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small.Men are like … WeatherNothing can be done to change them.Men are like … PlungersThey spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.Men are like … PopcornThey satisfy you, but only for a little while.Men are like … PlacematsThey only show up when there’s food on the table.Men are like … SnowstormsYou never know when he’s coming, how manyinches you’ll get or how long he will last.Men are like … Used CarsBoth are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable.Men are like … Vacations.They never seem to be long enough.

Dear Abby: Q: My fiance still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I’m afraid he will not be faithful. A: A man’s capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behaviour.Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister. A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing – your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behaviour.Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him. A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.Q: My husband doesn’t know where my clitoris is. A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at car-boot sales. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love – we have no time to talk. A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.Q: My husband’s efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds. A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the ‘effort’ the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should – he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal. Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm. A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don’t mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present ..and don’t forget to cook him a delicious meal.

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating
table.

The first surgeon says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table,
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

The second responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside
them is color coded.”

The third surgeon says, “No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”

The fourth surgeon chimes in: “You know, I like construction workers…those
guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when
the job takes longer than you said it would.”

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: “You’re all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, and no
spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable.”

Why haven’t Women landed on the Moon?

– Because it dosen’t need cleaning yet!

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only”. Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.”We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: ” All the men here have it short and thin.” The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here have it long and thin.” Still, this isn’t good enough so the friends continue on up.They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here have it short and thick.”They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here have it long and thick.” The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”

A man went to the mall this last week to buy Valentines’ cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him. He muttered out loud, “I wonder if they have anything for ex-wives.”The clerk behind the counter said, “Oh, yes sir, they do have an ‘ex’ category, but they’re in Sporting Goods.””Really?””Yes sir. They’re called darts.”

John receives a phone call.”Hello,” he answers.The voice on the other end says, “This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago.”John: “Hmm… Susan? About 3 months ago?”Susan: “Yes, it was at Bill’s house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport.”John: “Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?”Susan: “I’m pregnant and I’m going to kill myself.”John: “Say, you ARE a good sport.”–Editor’s Note: Originally from a George Carlin monologue. Credit where credit is due (well, this time).