Category: the battle of the sexes

Man walks up to a farmers house, knocks on the door. When a woman opened the door, the man ask if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, the man knocked, again, asked the same question. Again, not amused, she screamed get the hell away. Later, she told her husband of the incident. he said he would stay home the following day just in case. Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while the lady answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she said yes. The man replied, great, give some to your husband the next time you see him , and tell him to keep away from my wife.

Men are like…..Curling Irons. They’re always hot and they’re always in your
hair.

An irate wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. ”What’ll you have?” he asked. ”Oh, I don’t know. The same as you I suppose,” she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. ”Yuck, that’s TERRIBLE!” she spluttered. ”I don’t know how you can drink this stuff!” ”Well, there you go,” cried the husband. ”And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”

John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that John was ever so slowly, silently sliding down his chair and under the table, while Mary acted quite unconcerned.Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table.After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, “Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.”The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, “Oh, no. He did not. In fact, he just walked in the front door.”

A sailor came home from a secret two year mission at sea only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.”Was it my friend Marvin?” he demanded.”No!” his weeping wife replied.”Was it my friend Jerry then?” he asked.”NO!!!” she said even more upset.”Well which one of my no good friends did this then?” he asked. “Don’t you think I have any friends of my own?” she snapped.

Texas makes me think of the old slogan ‘Remember the Alamo.’ It seems that during that battle, the guy in charge of the whole thing put his wife, of all people, on the battle line. She was shot by the enemy, shattered her patella, and had to be removed from the front line. After the fighting was over, she divorced her husband, and … sued for Alamo knee.

1.Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. You’re using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says,
‘How’s my driving? Call 1 800 ****”**.’

6. Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. You’re convinced there’s a God and he’s male.

8. You’re counting down the days until menopause.

9. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

So, a guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company.
There’s plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he’s
doing alright–but after a few months he gets “lonely”, if you know what
I mean, nudge nudge wink wink.

The pig starts to look more and more attractive–soft, pink flesh, round
buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the
pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very
frustrating.

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it
turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a
beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into
his hut and slowly nurses her back to health. Finally she is well enough
to walk and she says to him “Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I
don’t know how I can ever repay you. I’ll do anything for you, anything,
just name it.”

The guy thinks for a minute and says “Would you mind taking my dog for a
walk?”.

Q: What is a man doing when he pours beer on his hand?
A: Getting his date drunk.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children.
A man of 35 thinks of dating children.

A girl who is seventeen
is much more of a woman
than a boy who is seventeen.

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.

I’m schizophrenic.

And so am I.