Category: the battle of the sexes

A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding
a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts
panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business
suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of
coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down,
neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from
her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store. Reaching
the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy’s
testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever
so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up
the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father
and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As
soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father
rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never
seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a
doctor?”

“No,” the woman replied. “Divorce attorney.”

Men are like…..Mini Skirts. If you’re not careful, they’ll creep up your
legs.

There was these two old men sitting in one of the old mens house. They haven’t had sex in 20 years… The first old man then said,”I have an idea…Lets go to the whore house and have sex with a young lady!” The other old man agreed and they went to the whore house and went to the lady up front and asked her for one woman each to have sex with.. The lady behind the counter thought,”well my girls are to good for these old mean,so I’ll give them blow up dolls…They wont know the difference.” So she gave them each a blow up doll and the old men thought they were real living girls.. They went to a room did their business and came out and went home.. On the way home the 1st old man said,”You know..when i was doing my business i think that girl was dead,she didnt say anything,move or anything..Just laid there” he looekd at the other old man and said,”what do you think?” The other old man looked at him and said,”I think mine was a witch..” the first old man asked,”Why you say that?” and the 2nd old man responded,”Because when I bit her on the boob she farted and flew out the window.”

There is this wrestling championship held every year between everyone in the
world. It comes down between an American and a Russian wrestler. In the locker
room the American�s coach is telling him that the Russian has this move that
nobody has ever got out of. He tells him that it’s the Pretzel hold and that the
Russian has won every year with that move.
So the American keeps this in mind and goes out to the ring to fight The match
starts and the American starts winning so his ego kicks in and turns his back on
the Russian then the Russian puts the pretzel hold on the American So the
Americans coach sees this and goes back to the locker room.
All of a sudden the coach hears the American side cheering so the coach heads
back out to see whets going on.To his surprise the American wrestler has won the
match. So the coach rusher up to the American and asks what did you do to get
out of the pretzel hold because nobody has ever got out of that hold.So the
American looks at the coach and says well I got all tied up in the pretzel hold
and there for a moment I thought I was done for, but then I saw these hairy nuts
hanging in front of my face so I bit them. And man it’s amazing what you can do
when you bite your own nuts!!

Betty came home to her husband one afternoon and exclaimed, “Honey! Pack your bags! I won the lottery!!!”He said, “Really?!? Wow! What should I pack for? Hawaii? A cruise? Europe?””I don’t care,” she replied, ” just get your ass out of here.”

(No offense intended or implied)
1) Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2) Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3) You know stuff about tanks.
4) A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5) Monday Night Football.
6) You don’t have to monitor your friends’ sex lives.
7) Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8) You can open all your own jars.
9) Old friends don’t give a crap whether you’ve lost or gained weight.
10) Dry cleaners and haircutters don’t rob you blind.

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.

The girl came up to him and asked “What do you have under the newspaper, mister?”

“A bird,” the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, “Idon’t know.

I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I’m here.”

Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her “What did you do to that naked fellow?”

After a little pause, the girl replied, “To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire.”

When a women found out that she was pregnant,
she lit up the phone lines telling everyone the good news.
One day, she took her 4 year old son,Sam,out shopping.
A woman asked the boy if he was excited about the baby.
� Yes”, he said.� I know what we’re going to name it.
If it is a girl, we’re calling her Molly and if it is a
boy, we’re going to call it quits.

Men are like…Coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them,
and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, “Your grandma’s the best sex in
town!” Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders
off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, “I
just did your grandma, and it was suh-weeeet!” Again the guy refuses to take the
bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, “And your grandma liked it!!”

Finally the guy interrupts …”Go home, Grandpa, you’re drunk.”

There was a middle aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later, delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. “Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.” Then he gave her a stern look and asked, “Have you been fooling around on me?”The wife just smiled sweetly and said, “Not this time.”

Why is a sorority girl like railroad tracks?

Cause she’s been laid all over the country.