Category: the battle of the sexes

Guy goes over to his friend’s house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.

“Hi, is Tony home?”
“No, he went to the store.”
“Well, you mind if I wait?”
“No, come in�.

They sit down and the friend says, “You know Nora, you have the greatest
breasts I have ever seen. I’d give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.”

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell – a hundred
bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a
hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says, “They are so beautiful I’ve got
to see the both of them. I’ll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see
the both of them together.”
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives
Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the
table, and then says he can’t wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, “You know, your weird
friend Chris came over�.

Tony thinks about this for a second and says “Well did he drop off the 200
bucks he owes me?”

This guy’s in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, “Ballroom please.” A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was crowding you.”

Harold wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling amorous, nudges his
wife awake and asks, “Why don’t we get it on, eh?” She replies, “I have
an appointment at the gynocologist tomorrow and you know I don’t like
to make love the night before.” “Alright”, he said, and he rolled back
over and started to go back to sleep.

A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, “You don’t
by any chance have a dentist’s appointment tomorrow, do you?”

After the funeral, the priest said, “I don’t think you will ever find
another women like you late wife.”

And the husband replied “Who’s gonna look?”

Bob was in his usual place, sitting at the table, reading the paper during breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.He turned to his wife with a look of bewilderment on his face. “I’ll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.”His wife replies, “Why, thank you, dear!”

One night Jerry brought home a dozen red roses to his wife. “How lovely dear” she said, “what’s the occasion?””I want to make love to you” he said simply.”Not tonight, dear. I have a headache.”The next night Jerry came home with a big box of chocolates, and explained that he wanted to make love with her. “I’m awfully tired, honey” said his wife. “Not tonight.”Every night for a week Jerry brought home something, but each time his wife’s answer was no.Finally he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife. “How adorable Jerry” she exclaimed. “But what are they for?””These are six little pallbearers for your dead pussy.”

Men are like…..Bank Accounts. Without a lot of money, they don’t generate
much interest.

One guy’s story… I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on the shoulder. This evidently pissed the driver off enough that he hung out his window and flipped the woman off. “Man, that guy is stupid” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything stupid to me or near me in traffic; and here’s why… I drive 38 miles each way, every day, to work. That’s 76 miles, of which 16 each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. So, if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That’s 7 cars every 40 feet for just the 32 miles that traffic is bumper to bumper. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars, plus the rest of my 34 mile commute which is not bumper-to-bumper, where I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically half of these are driven by females, that’s 18,000. In any given group of females, 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. . . . That is 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that’s 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that’s 98. And, 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that’s 33. According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and the number is increasing. That means, that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed. No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn’t DREAM of flipping her off.

Mary had a little lamb
with which she used to sleep
too late she found it was a ram
and now she has a little lamb

Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see whets in the fridge, and go to bed. Married
women come home, see whets in bed, and go to the fridge.

A guy goes into the store and tells the clerk, “I’d like some Polish
sausage�.

The clerk looks at him and says, “Are you Polish?”

The guy, clearly offended, says, “Well, yes I am. But let me ask you, if I had
asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian??”

� Or if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German??

� Or if I had asked for taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Huh? Would
yaw??” The clerk says, “Well, no.”

With deep self righteous indignation, the guy says, “Well, all right then, why
the HELL did you ask me if I’m Polish just because I ask for Polish
sausage????”

The clerk says, “Because this is a hardware store.”

Dave called home one afternoon to see what his wife was making for dinner. “Hello?” said a little girl’s voice.”Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” said Dave. “Is mommy near the phone?” “No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Kevin.”After a brief pause, Dave said, “But you don’t have an Uncle Kevin, honey!””Yes I do. He’s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!””Okay, then. Here’s what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Kevin that my car just pulled up outside the house.””Okay, Daddy!”A few minutes later, the little girl came back to the phone. “Well, I did what you said, Daddy.””And what happened?””Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she’s all dead.””Oh my god! And what about Uncle Kevin?””He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that you took out all the water last week to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool, and now he’s dead too.”There was a long pause, then Bob said, “Swimming pool? Is this 555- 7039?”