Category: the battle of the sexes

Men are like…Vacations. They never seem to be long enough.

Adam was roaming around the Garden of Eden making up names
for all the animals that were there. He also noticed that
there were two kinds of each species – male and female.
And he also noticed that most of the animals were mating
and seemed to be enjoying this very act. So, he went to
his special place and called out in a loud voice, “Hey, God!”.
And a loud booming voice replied, “Yes, Adam”.

Adam:

“Hey, God – There’s an awful lot of animals down here.”

God:

“Yes, Adam – I have created many species and I trust
you have not run out of names for then.”

Adam:

“No, that’s not the problem. But, I have noticed
that there are two kinds of each species.”

God:

“Yes, Adam. One kind is male and the other is female.”

Adam:

“Hey, God – why is there a male and a female of each
species ?”

God:

“So they can mate and procreate. This will ensure
the continuation of the species.”

Adam:

“Hey, God.”

God:

(sigh) “Yes, Adam.”

Adam:

“Which am I?”

God:

“You, Adam, are a male.”

Adam:

“Hey, God, I’ve noticed that most of the animals are
mating — and they seem to be really enjoying
themselves. If it isn’t too much trouble, do you
think…maybe,….I could…”

God:

“All right, Adam. The time has come for me to
provide you with a mate. Go lie down and when you
have fallen asleep, I will create your mate.”

So, Adam leaves his special place, finds a patch of soft
grass under a tree, lies down, and falls asleep. Some
time later he awakes (possibly due to a slight pain in his
side) and heads immediately to his special place.

Adam:

“Hey, God.”

God:

“Yes, Adam.”

Adam:

“Hey, God – did you remember to do what you promised ?”

God:

“Yes, Adam. While you were sleeping I created for
you a mate. Her name is Eve. You will find her in
the bushes near the place where you were sleeping.”

Adam rushes off to find Eve in the bushes. A few minutes
later he is back at his special place, calling …

Adam:

“Hey, God.”

God:

“Yes, Adam.”

Adam:

“Hey, God — What’s a headache?”

When the milkman found a note on one of his customer’s doors asking
for 16 gallons instead of the usual quart, he rang the bell.

“Sorry to bother you, ma’am,” he said, “but are you sure you want
sixteen gallons of milk today?”

“Oh, yes,” said the lady of the house. “I’m going to take a milk bath.”

“Do you want it pasteurized?”

“No, just up to my tits would be fine.”

What’s the difference between a sorority and a circus?

A circus is a cunning array of stunts.

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What’s a man’s idea of foreplay?

-A half-hour of begging.

How do crazy men go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

Q: What do electric trains and women’s breasts have in common?
A: They were originally intended for children but it’s men who play with
them.

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was
severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin
from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some
of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was
suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin
came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all,
this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new
beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and
relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at
his sacrifice.

She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There
is no way I could ever repay you.”

� My darling,” he replied, “thinks nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need
every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

“Miss Reynolds, we can’t hire you as a model�, the editor from the men’s
magazine explained. “It’s obvious that your blonde hair isn’t natural, since the
hair between your legs is black.”

The young model picked up the magazine editor’s bowling ball and slammed it
down on his fingers.

� What the hell did you do that for!” he exploded.

She smiled sweetly and said, “Look at your fingers. They’re turning black,
right? And they’ve only been banged once.”

Late one night at the insane asylum, an inmate shouted, “I am Napoleon!”
Another one said, “How do you know?” The first inmate said, “God told me!” A
voice from another room shouted, “I did not!”

Everyday I give thanks to God, I have two mounds upon my bod. I shave my legs, sit down to pee, I can justify any shopping spree. Don’t go to a barber, but a beauty salon, Can get a massage, without a hard-on. Can balance the checkbook, can pump my own gas, Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass. My beauty’s a masterpiece, and yes, it takes long, At least I can admit to others when I’m wrong. I don’t drive in circles at any cost, And I don’t have a problem admitting I’m lost. Don’t act like I’m in a timed marathon, Every time I have to go to the john. I don’t brag about the size of my “cup”, Hey, put the seat down, ’cause I won’t leave it up! I never forget an important date, You just gotta deal, I’m usually late. I don’t watch movies with lots of gore, Don’t need instant replay to remember the score. I won’t lose my hair, I don’t get jock itch. And just cause I’m assertive, Don’t call me a bitch. I don’t wear the same underwear everyday, The food in my fridge has no sign of decay. Don’t burp, don’t belch and I certainly don’t fart, Ballet, not football, is what I consider an art. Don’t say to your friends, “Oh yeah, I can get her”, In your dreams, my dear, I can do better! Flowers are okay, but jewelry’s best, Would you look at my face, not at my chest! I don’t have a problem expressing my feelings, I know when you’re lying, you look at the ceiling. Don’t call me a girl, a babe or a chick, I am a WOMAN, get it, you prick? Let me tell all you men, Listen to me boys, Those things in your pants, That you treat as toys You love them more then we ever will We would rather suck on a cold pickled dill. I know all you men Think that you’re “IT”, But compared to a woman, You just ain’t SHIT!