Category: the battle of the sexes

If a man speaks in the forest, and there is no woman around to hear
him, is he still wrong?

A rather well proportioned young lady, Joan, spent almost all
of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of the hotel.

She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second,
being a naturist, she decided that no one could see her way up
there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She’d hardly begun when she heard someone running up the
stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a
towel over her rear.

“Excuse me, miss,” said the flustered little assistant manager of
the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.

“The hotel doesn’t mind you sunbathing on the roof but we
would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as
you did yesterday.”

“What difference does it make,” Joan asked rather calmly.

“No one can see me up here, and besides, I’m covered with a towel.”

“Not exactly,” said the embarrassed little man.
“You’re lying on the dining room skylight.”

Q. Why is the book “Women Who Love Too Much” a disappointment for many men?
A. No phone numbers.

A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The
morning following a bad storm, a new guy (homer) washes up on the shore. Homer
and the wife are very attracted to each other right away, but realize certain
protocols will have to be observed. The husband, however, is very glad to see
homer there.
“Now we will be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the
watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts.”

Homer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift.
He climbs up the tower and stands watch, observing the ocean horizon for any
ships. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to
make a fire to cook supper. Homer yells down: “hey, no f******!”
They couple looks at each other and yells back: “we’re not f******!”

A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again
homer yells down: “hooey, no f******!”
Again they yell back, “we’re not f******!”

Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof to their shack to patch leaks.
Once again homer yells down from high above: “hey, I said no f******!!”
“We said we’re not f******!!”

Finally the shift is over, homer climbs down from the tower, and the husband
starts to climb up. He�s only halfway up when the wife and homer are screwing
their brains out.

Once at the top, the husband looks out from the tower and says: “son-of-a-gun.
From up here it does look like they’re f******.”

How many men does it take to clean a house?

We don’t know. It’s mever been done!

Q. How do men define a 50-50 relationship?
A. We cook/they eat; we clean/they dirty; we iron/they wrinkle.

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to
place our order.

There was a big sign posted. “No bills larger than $20 will be accepted.”

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, “Believe me, if I
HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn’t be eating here.”

10:00 Wake up
10:02 Oral sex
10:10 Big breakfast
11:30 Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
2:15 Enormous lunch
3:15 Oral sex
3:25 Play sports with the guys
4:30 Drink beer with the guys
6:30 Meet Claudia Schiffer
6:40 Oral sex
6:50 Huge dinner, more beer
11:00 Full on, get down, gorilla sex
11:10 Sleep

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob went straight over to Joe’s place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her. Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he’d started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage and things couldn’t be better. Bob thought he’d give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, “This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!”

HER DIARY:

Sunday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we gosomewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and aloof. I asked him what was wrong — he said, “Nothing.” I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior; I don’t know why he didn’t say, “I love you, too.” When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV; he seemed distant and vacant. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried, until I also fell asleep. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:

Today the Lakers lost, but at least I got laid.

Two men in a bar are discussing their wives, when one admitted he had killed
his that very morning.

“Why did you do it?” asked the other.

“She kept complaining about my bike in the garage. She said I alwyas left
it untidy.”

The second man said “You’re kidding me right? You didn’t really kill your
wife this morning?”

“I certainly did kill her this morning,” said the first, “Come with me,
and I’ll show you”.

With that the two of them left the bar and walked to a house, they went to
the garden, and there was a fresh mound of earth, with a woman’s ass
sticking out the top.

“Is that her?” asked the second man.

“Yes.” said the first.

“Why did you leave her ass sticking out like that?”

“Well, I needed somewhere to park my bike.”

A farmer’s wife was terribly jealous. Evening after evening, she subjected her husband to a searching inspection. When she would find even a single hair on his coat, there would be a terrible scene! One night, she found nothing. ”So” she screamed, ”Now it’s a bald-headed woman!”