Category: the battle of the sexes

He was standing in line at a restaurant, waiting to pay my bill behind two
women who handed the young waitress a credit card. After swiping the card, she
loudly called out to her manager, “Mr. Allen, what do I do if it says
‘rejected’?”
As the women’s faces reddened and customers turned to look, Mr.
Allen walked out from the kitchen. “Well,” he answered, wiping his hands, “the
first thing you do is shout it out loud enough to embarrass the customer, who
might have been thinking of leaving you a tip.”

A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband in bed with a lady midget. Upset and furious over his actions, the woman screams, “You promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!” Trying his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife and says, “Take it easy Dear, Can’t you see I’m trying to taper off?”

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She’s laid on
a trolley bed by a lady in a white dress and brought to the corridor. Before
they enter the room she leaves her behind the theatre door to go in and
check whether everything is ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the sheet away and starts
examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white
coat. The second man comes over and does the same examinations.

When the third man starts examining her body so closely, she grows impatient
and says:

“All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to
start the operation?”

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: “I have no idea. We’re
just painting the corridor.”

Gift Buying Rules For Men

Print this out and leave laying around where those of the Female
persuasion can see it.

Rule #1:

When in doubt – buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already
has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a
man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2:

If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word
ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. “Hey George, can
I borrow your ratchet?” “OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch
socket yet?” Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:

If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99-cent
ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear
view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4:

Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes.
Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn’t
have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:

You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out.
If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little
picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and
flips….

Rule #6:

Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a
cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7:

Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant.
I’m told they do not stink – they are earthy.

Rule #8:

Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of
weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. “Socks. Shorts. Cups.
Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink.” You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9:

Never buy a man anything that says “some assembly required” on the box. It
will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10:

Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, ParrLumber, Home
Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire.(NAPA Auto Parts
and Sear’s Clearance Centers are also excellent men’s stores. It doesn’t
matter if he doesn’t know what it is. “From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be
something I need. Hey! Isn’t this a starter for a ’68 Ford Fairlane? Wow!
Thanks.”)

Rule #11:

Men enjoy danger. That’s why they never cook – but they will barbecue. Get
him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line
leaks. “Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?”

Rule #12:

Tickets to a Seahawks game are a smart gift. However, he will not
appreciate tickets to “A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts.” Everyone
knows why.

Rule #13:

Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you
don’t know why – please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a
label maker.

Rule #14:

It’s hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension
ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder.
No one knows why.

Rule #15:

Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least
the Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8″ manila rope.
No one knows why.

One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn.

A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, “You should be hung!”

To which he calmly replied, “I am. That’s why she cuts the grass!”

Ladies – If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant “fix-me-up.”

Real Women – If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women’s motto: “I made it and you will eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes.”

Ladies – Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Real Women – Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?

Ladies – Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Real Women – Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

Ladies – To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Real Women – Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Ladies – When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the inside of the cake.

Real Women – Go to the bakery – they’ll even decorate it for you.

Ladies – Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

Real Women – Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don’t do it.

Ladies – If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

Real Women – Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it.

And finally the most important tip!…..

Ladies – Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Real Women – Leftover wine??

Men are like…..Coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Ten of our Favorite Pick-Up Lines

1. Your body’s name must be Visa, because it’s everywhere I want to be
2. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money
3. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock
4. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I’m the only one talking
   to you.
5. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I’ll be your Burger King, you treat
   me right, and I’ll do it your way
6. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.
7. I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went
   into this cheap motel room.
8. I’m new in town, could I have directions to your house.
9. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald’s, you would be McGorgeous.
10. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a
    light switch away.

A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: “An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse’s mate is found in a ‘compromising position.'””See, I have a problem with that passion business,” responded one jury candidate. “During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him.” She wasn’t selected for the jury…

A middle-aged guy who was stark bald bought a hairpiece to see if he could
increase his attractiveness. That same night, he decided to try it out. He
picked up a really cute young lady at a bar and took her to his apartment. He
turned off all the lights to get things started, and soon they in to heavy
petting. Lothario realized with horror that his wig had fallen off, and began
groping frantically for it in the darkness, hoping to put it back on his head
before the girl discovered his deception.
In his searching zeal he inadvertently ran his hand up between his date’s
legs.
“Oh! That’s it!” she exclaimed. “No it isn’t! I part mine on the side.”

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.

Then, the young girl proposes, “If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs.” The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.

And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs.

Then she says, “If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I’ll show you my thighs,” and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.

Then the young girl says, “If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis.”

All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they’re passing. “See there in the distance. That’s the hospital where I had it done!”

A rather well proportioned young lady, Joan, spent almost all
of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of the hotel.

She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second,
being a naturist, she decided that no one could see her way up
there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She’d hardly begun when she heard someone running up the
stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a
towel over her rear.

“Excuse me, miss,” said the flustered little assistant manager of
the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.

“The hotel doesn’t mind you sunbathing on the roof but we
would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as
you did yesterday.”

“What difference does it make,” Joan asked rather calmly.

“No one can see me up here, and besides, I’m covered with a towel.”

“Not exactly,” said the embarrassed little man.
“You’re lying on the dining room skylight.”