Category: the battle of the sexes

A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5,000 and
feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home she stops at a newstand to buy a paper. Before leaving,
she asks the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do
you think I am?”

“About 32”, the clerk replies.

“I’m actually 47,” the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonalds and upon getting her order,
asks the counter girl the same question.

She replies, “I’d guess about 29.”

The woman replies, “Nope, I am 47.” Now she is feeling really good about
herself.

While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He
replies, “I’m 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was
young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires
you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your breasts. Then I can
tell exactly how old you are.”

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of
the woman and she finally says, “What the hell, go ahead”.

The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to
feel around.

After about 20 seconds she says, “Okay, Okay, how old am I?”

He removes his hands and says, “You are 47.”

Stunned the woman says, “That is amazing. How did you know?”.

The old man replies, “I was behind you in line at McDonalds.”

There was A blond coyboy was in a dessert and he was riding a camel. After his camel died the man decided to walk on…… after a few hours the man collapsed, the only thing he saw was something sticking out of the ground he went to it. it was a breif case the man opened it and out poped a ginnie and it was a girl and she looked like a floating reporter she said bla bla while looking through the rule book. she said “i am your ginnie you have 3 wishes” and the man said ok my first wish will be to have food and water all over. poof !!! every where he looked he was surrounded by food and water. the ginnie came again she said wht is your second wish the man said i wish to be the richest man in the world. POOF!!! there was pots of gold every where he looked. the ginnie soon returned and said what is your final wish its your last for ever and you had better make it a good one. he said ok i wish every where i go beautiful young women woulg want and need me. POOF!!! she turned him into a tampon!

One night a man was going to bed with his wife.He put an extra pillow on his pillow.His wife asked:”Why are you putting two pillows under your head” and he replied:”Because I haven`t slept for two nights!”.

A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las
Vegas.

Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casino
and finds a pay phone. He calls his wife and says, “Honey, pack your
bags. I just won over a million dollars in Vegas.”

His wife say, “That’s wonderful. What should I pack for…Europe, the
Carribean?”

He says, “I don’t care, just be gone when I get home.”

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.”I’m busy,” he said, “I’ll do the next one.”The next time came around and she asked again.The husband looked puzzled, “Oh! I didn’t mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!”

The blind date hadn’t been all that great and she was relieved the evening was finally over. At her apartment door, he suddenly said “Hey! You wanna see my underwear?”Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing he wasn’t wearing any.She glanced down and said, “Nice design, does it also come in men’s sizes?”

The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he’d like
a bottle of Channel No. 5 for his wife’s birthday.
� A little surprise, eh?” smiled the clerk.
� You bet,� answered the customer. “She’s expecting a cruise.”

A woman’s idea of romance is candles and satin sheets
A man’s idea of romance is “Hi Honey, I bought you some edible underware!”

Submitted by JuliaNote: Our “Send this Joke to A Friend” email thingy doesn’t transmit pictures. But if you see this in email, you can click on the link above!

Q: What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
A: Slow.

A country girlhad just moved to the city and was invited to a dance, but
she couldn’t dance, so she asked a friend what she was going to do if
someone asked her to dance. Her friend told her to tell them that she was
contemplating matrimony and I think I will sit this one out.

So, sure enough, at the dance, a boy came up to her and asked her to
dance.

Her reply: No, thank you, I am constipated on macroni and I think I will
shit this one out.

A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a
judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them. He asked
if they had a license and, when they didn’t, sent them off to get one.

They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license
from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out that they had
filled the names in backwards — his where hers belonged and vice versa.
They rushed back to the clerk’s office, caught him again, and got another
license.

This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the
wrong format. Again they catch the clerk … After five reissued licenses,
the judge is finally satisfied.

Judge: “I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are
irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal,
and any children you might have would be technical bastards.”

Groom: “That’s funny – that’s just what the clerk called you.”