Category: the battle of the sexes

“It’s a guy thing.”

Really means: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it,
and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”

“Can I help with dinner?”
Really means: “Why isn’t it already on the table?”

“Uh huh,” “Sure, honey,” or “Yes, dear.”
Really means: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.

“It would take too long to explain.”
Really means: “I have no idea how it works.”

“I’m getting more exercise lately.”
Really means: “The batteries in the remote are dead.”

“We’re going to be late.”
Really means: “Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.”

“Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.”
Really means: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

“That’s interesting, dear.”
Really means: “Are you still talking?”

“Honey, we don’t need material things to prove our love.”
Really means: “I forgot our anniversary again.”

“You expect too much of me.”
Really means: “You want me to stay awake.”

“That’s women’s work.”
Really means: “It’s difficult, dirty, and thankless.”

“You know how bad my memory is.”
Really means: “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”

“Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself, it’s no big deal.”
Really means: “I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

“I do help around the house.”
Really means: “I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.”

“Hey, I’ve got my reasons for what I’m doing.”
Really means: “I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon.”

“I can’t find it.”
Really means: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”

“What did I do this time?”
Really means: “What did you catch me doing?”

“I heard you.”
Really means: “I have no idea what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.”

“You look terrific.”
Really means: “Oh, please don’t try on one more outfit. I’m starving.”

“I missed you.”
Really means: “I can’t find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.”

“I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are.”
Really means: “I’m lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again.”

“We share the housework.”
Really means: “I make the messes, you clean them up.”

“This relationship is getting too serious.”
Really means: “You’re cutting into the time I spend with my truck.”

“I don’t need to read the instructions.”
Really means: “I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.”

1. If you think the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach you’re aiming too high.

2. Woman don’t make fools of men — most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason:you’re sick of him.

4. Never trust a man who says he’s the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.

5. A woman’s work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.

6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one — they try harder.

7. Go for younger men. You might as well — they never mature anyway.

8. A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.

9. Men are all the same — they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

10. Definition of a man with manners — he gets out of the bath to pee.

11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is
married

12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men — a woman.

13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -strong, caring, loving — they’d be wrong but you could still use them.

14. Men are like animals — messy, insensitive and potentially violent — but they make great pets.

15. Men’s brains are like the prison system — not enough cells per man.

16. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – “don’t” and “stop”..

17. Husbands are like children — they’re fine if they’re someone else’s.

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant for good food and
companionship. She goes on Tuesdays. I go on Fridays.

2. We sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in California.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I
haven’t been in a long time,” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. When we go to the shopping mall, we always hold hands. If I let go, she
shops.

6. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because she thought
there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She said, “In the
lake.”

7. Before you take the leap into matrimony, remember this: Marriage is
the number one cause of divorce.

8. In fact, statistically 100 percent of all divorces start with marriage.

9. As for myself, I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was
Always.

10. I haven’t spoken to my wife in almost a year. I don’t like to
interrupt her.

11. I’ll admit the last fuss we had was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on
the TV?” I answered, “Dust!”

HER STORY:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar to meet him. I thought it might
have been because I was a bit late. He didn’t say anything much about it. He
seemed silent, distracted and his only eye contact seemed judgmental. I decided
maybe I should never wear that dress again. Well, maybe it was the color. Maybe
I should never wear this color again either. The conversation was so slow going
so I thought maybe we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk
more privately. He didn’t really seem to agree, but we went off to this quiet,
little restaurant and he’s STILL acting a bit funny and I’m trying to cheer him
up, be witty, and tell cute stories, but I start to wonder whether it’s me or
something else. He doesn’t smile much, so I ask him, but he says no. But you
know I’m not really sure. I wonder and then I think about the 5 pounds I gained
this past month. I bet he thinks I’m a fat hog now. Anyway, in the cab back to
his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me, but doesn’t
squeeze. I don’t know what the hell this all means or what I should think
because you know he doesn’t say it back or do anything. We finally get back to
his place and I’m wondering if he’s going to dump me. So I try to ask him about
it, but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I’m going to sleep. Then,
after about 10 minutes or so, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seems
really, really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I roll over and
sniffle a little real quietly. He snores. I don�t know, I just don’t know, what
he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he’s met someone else?

HIS STORY:
Hard day at work. Really tired. Got laid though.

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE…. without you in it.DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?We haven’t had a fight in a while.NO, PIZZA’S FINE…. you cheap slob!I JUST DON’T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.I just don’t want you as a boyfriend now.I DON’T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?I can’t believe you have nothing planned.I LIKE YOU, BUT…I don’t like you.OF COURSE I LOVE YOU…. just not in that way.I’LL BE READY IN A MINUTE….I’m ready, but I’m going to make you wait because I know you will.OH, NO, I’LL PAY FOR MYSELF….I’m just being nice; there’s no way I’m going dutch.

Q: What is the difference between a wife and a girl friend?
A: Forty-five pounds.

It’s the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He’s a pretty hip
guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl’s father answers
and invites him in. “Carrie’s not ready yet. Why don’t you have a seat?,”

Carrie’s father asks Bobby what they’re planning to do. Bobby replies politely
that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

� Why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!”
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby � so he asks Carrie’s dad
to repeat himself.

� Yeah,” says Carrie’s father�,Carrie really likes to screw; she’ll screw all
night if we let her!”

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and
announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby
escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door
behind her, and screams at her father: ”Dad, it’s called the twist!”

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog.

– After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Short version:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them
in a pile on the floor.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your girlfriend/wife
along the way, flash her.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see
if you have pecks. (No.)

4. Turn on the water.

5. Check for pecks again. (Still no.)

6. Get in the shower.

7. Don’t bother to look for a washcloth. (You don’t use one.)

8. Wash your face.

9. Wash your armpits.

10. Wash your penis and surrounding area.

11. Wash your ass.

12. Shampoo your hair. (Do not use conditioner.)

13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

14. Open the door and look at you in the mirror.

15. Pee.

16. Rinse off and get out of the shower.

17. Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your girlfriend/wife,
flash her.

Long version:

Replace #10 with: Masturbate using soap.

10. More sophisticated fashion sense.
9. Love to dance.
8. Willing to sleep on rug and fetch on command.
7. Spend less time worrying about hair loss.
6. Old buddies don’t show up on the doorstep unexpectedly.
5. Utterly disinterested in professional sports.
4. Your parents find them easier to like.
3. Rarely jealous of your former boyfriends.
2. Willing to hold your purse in public.
1. Unlikely to roll over and lose consciousness immediately following intense
play.

A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, “What in the world happened to you, buddy?” The guy says “Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore.” “Yeah?” asks the bartender. “What did she do?” “She hit me with her bag of quarters!”

Have you heard about the new Super-Sensitive condoms?They hang about after the man leaves and talk to the woman.