Category: the battle of the sexes

A lovely woman decided to visit a penthouse restaurant. So she rode the
elevator to the top floor of the building. She had a drink at the bar and then
decided to get some fresh air, so she walked out on the balcony. She got too
close to the railing and fell over the side.

As she was falling about thirteen floors, a man was standing on the balcony
below. He reached out his arms and engulfed her, pulling her to his chest. He
asked, “Do you f***?” She answered, of course not. I’m not a slut!” The man
opened his arms and said, “Sorry�.

As she had fallen another thirteen floors, another man was standing on a
balcony, and he reached out, grabbed her in his arms, pulled her to his chest
and asked, “Do you suck?” She answered, “Of course not. what kind of a girl do
you think I am?” The man opened his arms, and said, “Sorry�.

As she had fallen another thirteen floors, another man was standing on a
balcony. He reached out, engulfed her with his arms, and pulled her to his
chest. Before he had a chance to say anything, she says, “Look, I f***, I suck,
and I’ll do anything else you want!” He opens his arms and says, “You slut!”

4 women enter an obsession class with their children to learn about and deal with their odsession.

the consuleor says to the first mom:

“your obsessed with money, you named your daughter penny.”

then the mom takes her kid and leaves

the consuleor says to the second mom:

“your obsessed with food you named your daughter candy.”

then the mom takes her kid and leaves

the consuleor says to the third mom:

” your obsessed with alcohol. you named your kid brandy”

then the mom takes her kid and leaves.

then the fourth mom whispers to her kid this is ridiculous, come on Dick were leaving.

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.Harriet objected, “George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude.””Harriet, she’s a prostitute.””I don’t believe you. That sweet young thing?””Let’s go up to our room and I’ll prove it.”In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for ‘Bambi’ to come to room 1217. “Now,” he said, “you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?”Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.George asked, “How much do you charge?””$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services.”Even George was taken aback. “$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25.”Bambi laughed derisively. “You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price.””Well,” said George, “I guess we can’t do business. Goodbye.”After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, “I just can’t believe it!”George said, “Let’s forget it. We’ll go have a drink, then eat dinner.”At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, “See what you get for $25?”

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally
swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill
effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor’s office, the man followed instructions, undressed,
and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man’s
arse was that eye staring right back at him.

1. The average cucumber is at least six inches long. 2. Cucumbers stay hard for a week. 3. A cucumber won’t tell you size don’t count. 4. Cucumbers don’t get TOO excited. 5. A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety. 6. Cucumbers are easy to pick up. 7. You can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket… and you know how firm it is before you take it home. 8. Cucumbers can get away any weekend. 9. With a cucumber you can get a single room and … you won’t have to check in as ‘Mrs. Cucumber’. 10. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning. 11. If you can go to the movie with a cucumber and see the movie at a drive in you can stay in the front seat. 12. A cucumber can always wait until you get home. 13. A cucumber won’t eat all the popcorn. 14. A cucumber won’t drag you out to a John Wayne Film Festival. 15. A cucumber won’t ask: ‘Am I first?’ 16. Cucumbers don’t care whether you’re a virgin. 17. Cucumbers won’t tell other cucumbers you’re a virgin. 18. Cucumbers won’t tell anyone you’re not a virgin. 19. With cucumbers, you don’t have to be a virgin more than once. 20. Cucumbers won’t write your name and number on men’s room wall. 21. Cucumbers don’t have sex hang-ups. 22. Cucumbers won’t ask: ‘Am I the best’, ‘How was it?’ ‘Did you come?’, ‘How many times?’ 23. Cucumbers aren’t jealous of your gynecologist, ski instructor or hair dresser. 24. Cucumbers won’t ask about your last lover or speculate about your next one. 25. A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator. 26. A cucumber won’t mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes over. 27. No matter how old you are you can always get a fresh cucumber. 28. You can dish a cucumber up for dinner to your Brother-in law & Sister, after fucking it. 29. Cucumbers can handle rejection. 30. A cucumber won’t pout if you have a headache. 31. A cucumber won’t care what time of the month it is. 32. A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet. 33. A cucumber won’t give it up for lent. 34. With a cucumber, you never have to say you’re sorry. 35. Cucumbers won’t leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow. 36. A cucumber will never give you a hickey. 37. Cucumbers can stay up ALL night and you won’t have to sleep in the wet spot. 38. A cucumber won’t work your crossword in ink. 39. A cucumber isn’t allergic to your cat. 40. Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car. 41. A cucumber won’t eat all your food or drink all your liquor. 42. A cucumber doesn’t turn your bathroom into a library. 43. Cucumbers won’t go through your medicine chest. 44. A cucumber doesn’t use your toothbrush, roll-on or hairspray. 45. Cucumbers won’t leave dirty shorts on the floor. 46. A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet. 47. A cucumber doesn’t flush the toilet while you’re in the shower. 48. With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it. 49. Cucumbers don’t compare you to a centerfold. 50. Cucumbers won’t tell you they liked you better with long hair. 51. A cucumber will never leave you for another man, another woman or another cucumber. 52. You will always know where your cucumber has been. 53. A cucumber never has to call ‘the wife’. 54. Cucumbers won’t tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them. 55. You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle. 56. You only eat cucumbers when you feel like it. 57. You don’t have to wait for halftime to talk to your cucumber. 58. A cucumber won’t leave town on New Years Eve. 59. Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom. 60. Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers. 61. It’s easy to drop a cucumber. 62. A cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement or seek custody of anything.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender, Round, slim, and firm, and ever so
tender Two lovely hips to increase his desire, And rounded and firm to bring out
the fire. Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud, commanding his eyes, as he
whispers aloud. Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you, and two loving hands,
to soothe and caress you. Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder, And
two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder. ‘Taws made for a man, just to
make his heart sing. Then God added a mouth, and ruined the whole damn thing.

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber’s chair, and said, “I’ll
have a shave and a shoe shine.”

The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest,
most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his
shoes.

The cowboy said, “Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a
hotel room.”

She replied, “I’m married and my husband wouldn’t like that.”

The cowboy said, “Tell him you’re working overtime and I’ll pay you the
difference.”

She said, “You tell him. He is the one shaving you.”

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, “I have a headache.””Perfect!”, her husband said. “I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with aspirin.”

Why does a sorority girl close her eyes during sex?

So she can fantasize about shopping.

Three newlywed couples were having breakfast together at the honeymoon hotel’s
restaurant. When the food finally
arrived, the first husband, eager to display his love for his bride said,
“Pass the honey, honey.”

Not to be outdone, the second husband said “Pass the sugar,
sugar.”

The third wife looked at her husband, expecting similar treatment. Not to be outdone
he blurted out
“Pass the pork, pig.”

“Yesterday scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn’t drive…”

A girl goes into the doctor’s office for a checkup. As she takes off her
blouse, he notices a red “H” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your
chest?” asks the doctor.

� Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he’s so proud of it that he never takes
off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love�, she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off
her blouse, he notices a blue “Y” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on
your chest?” asks the doctor.

� Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he’s so proud of it that he never takes
off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love�, she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off
her blouse, he notices a red “M” on her chest. “Do you have a boyfriend at
Michigan?” asks the doctor.

� No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?”