Category: the battle of the sexes

Q. What�s the difference between a man and E.T.?
A. ET phoned home.

Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM).The other one is known as Sister Logical (SL).It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past Half-hour? SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants. SL: It’s logical. He wants to have his way us. SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster. SM: It is not working. SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too. SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. SL: The only logical thing we can do is split up. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow both of us. They did split up. The man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and was worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical entered.SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened! SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed one of us. Me. SM: So, what happened? Please tell us. SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as could. SM: So what happened? SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run, as fast as he could. SM: And what else? SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me. SM: Oh, no! What did you do then? SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do? SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. SM: Oh, no! What happened then? SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said, ”It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.” Adam answered, ”Yes, Lord, but what is a ‘kiss’?” The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, ”Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable.” And the Lord replied, ”Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I’d like you to caress Eve.” And Adam said, ”What is a ‘caress’?” So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, ”Lord, that was even better than the kiss.” And the Lord said, ”You’ve done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve.” And Adam asked, ”What is ‘make love’, Lord?” So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two seconds. And Adam said, ”Lord, what is a ‘headache’?”

1) You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you’re not in the
mood.
2) You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
3) If something mechanical doesn’t work, you can bash it with a hammer or
throw it across the room.
4) New shoes don’t blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
5) Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
6) You don’t have to remember everyone’s birthdays and anniversaries.
7) Not liking a person doesn’t preclude having great sex with them.
8) Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So…notice anything
different?”
9) Bay watch
10) There’s always a game on somewhere.

Q: Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
A: Just when it’s getting interesting, they’re finished until next time.

When Jake Parsons died and went to heaven he saw a guy at the gate who
said, “Jake Parsons…let’s see…oh, yes. You go down that hall and into
the third door on your right.”

So Jake went past the first door and looked in. Inside was Atilla the Hun
standing alone in a dark room. Suddenly a spotlight hit the opposite wall
and a door opened and out stepped the most disgusting, ugly, vile,
wart-covered woman… A voice boomed out: “Atilla the Hun, you have been
very evil! Your punishment is to spend eternity with
this hag!!!”

Jake walked on further and looked into the second room. Adolph Hitler was
in there, the room was dark, and a spotlight hit the opposite wall and this
even more disgusting old hag walked into the room. A voice boomed out:
“Adolf Hitler, you have been very evil! Your punishment is to spend
eternity with this hag!!!”

So Jake finally came to his door,
opened it and entered a dark room. Suddenly a spotlight hit the opposite
wall, and out stepped Michelle Pfeiffer…! Jake was delighted. Just then
a voice boomed out: “Michelle Pfeiffer, you have been very evil…!”

*Kissing/Light Petting*What he hopes you’re thinking: “Oh, I can’t resist: I’m powerless before your seductive ways!” What he’s afraid you’re thinking: “Garlic breath– ewwww!” *Undressing*What he hopes you’re thinking: “My G-d, look at the size of that!” What he’s afraid you’re thinking: “My G-d, look at the size of that!” *Foreplay/Oral Sex*What he hopes you’re thinking: “I could worship at the alter of your impressive manhood for hours.” What he’s afraid you’re thinking: “If he doesn’t warn me before he cums, I’m going to kill him.” *Penetration*What he hopes you’re thinking: “You stallion, you’re splitting me in half!” What he’s afraid you’re thinking: “Is it in yet?” *Your Orgasm*What he hopes you’re thinking: “Yes, (his name here), yes!” What he’s afraid you’re thinking: “I deserve an Academy Award for this performance.” What he’s even more afraid you’re thinking: “Yes, (other guy’s name here), yes!” *Post-coital Bliss*What he hopes you’re thinking: “Now I know what an earthquake feels like.” What he’s afraid you’re thinking: “Maybe I should let my lesbian friend Sue take me to that females-only dance club after all.”

Q: What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
A: When the power goes off.

Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from
the beginning. When I confront him, he denies everything.
What’s worse is everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so
humiliating!

Also, since he lost his job two years ago, he hasn’t even
looked for a new one. All he does is sit around the living
room in his underwear and watch TV while I work to pay the
bills.

And since our daughter went away to college he doesn’t even
pretend to like me. He keeps calling me a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed, Clueless

Dear Clueless:

Dump him. You’re a New York Senator now. You don’t need him
anymore.

Abby

“Why is it so hard for women to find a man who is charming, well-dressed,
sensitive, and good-looking? Because all those men already have
boyfriends.”

– Anonymous

The Top Ten Things Not To Say To A Naked Man

1 This explains your car.
2 I never saw one like that before.
3 But it still works, right?
4 Are you cold?
5 I guess this makes me the early bird.
6 Ahhhh, it’s cute.
7 Can I be honest with you?
8 Maybe it looks better in natural light.
9 Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10 Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes?

* He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.* He is not quiet; he is a Conversational Minimalist.* He does not have a fabulous rear end; he has achieved Buttocks Perfection.* He is not stupid; he suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.* He does not get lost all the time; he discovers Alternative Destinations.* He is not balding; he is in Follicle Regression.* You do not buy him a drink; you initiate an Alcohol-For-Conversation Exchange.* He does not fart and belch; he is Gastronomically Expressive.* His jeans are not too tight; he is Anatomically Under circulated.* He is not a redneck; he is a Genetically Related American.* You do not kiss him; you become Facial Conjoined.* He is not a cradle robber; he prefers Generational Differential Relationships.* He does not get falling down drunk; he becomes Accidentally Horizontal.* He does not act like a total ass; he develops a Case Of Rectal Cranial Inversion.* He is not short – he is Anatomically Compact.* He does not have a rich daddy; he is a Recipient Of Parental Asset Infusion.* He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a Vehicular Addiction.* He does not have a hot body; he is Physically Combustible.* He is not unsophisticated; he is Socially Malformed.* He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from Reverse Bulimia.* He does not hog the blankets; he is Thermally Unappreciative.* He is not a sex machine; he is Romantically Automated.* He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has Swine Empathy.* You do not undress him with your eyes; you have an Introspective Pornographic Moment.* He is not afraid of commitment; he is Monogamously Challenged.