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A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
“How wonderful! But I hope you don’t mind me asking what happened to your first husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”
“Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms, too, and died.”
“Oh, how terrible! I’m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.”
“He died of a broken neck.”
“A broken neck?”
“He wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”
A woman was looking for a used car to buy and saw an ad in the classifieds. It read: Brand new 1995 Mercedes Benz, slate blue, loaded , etc. Sell for $150.00.She was astonished and decided to call the seller and check it out. The woman selling the car was glad to show it to her and, to her surprise, the car was in perfect condition.She asked the woman, “What’s the catch? Why are you selling this car so cheaply?””Well,” she said, “it’s my husband’s car actually, and he recently ran off with his young secretary. I got a telegram from him last week that read: ‘In Miami. Need money. Sell car’.”
What does a sorority girl put behind her ears to make her look more
attractive?
Her ankles.
Q: How does a man show he’s planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Q. What do you call a paki on the moon?
A. A problem.
Q. What do you call ten paki’s on the moon?
A. A bit bigger problem.
Q. What do you call a hundred paki’s on the moon?
A. A pretty big problem.
Q. What do you call a thousand paki’s on the moon?
A. A very large problem.
Q. What do you call all the paki’s on the moon?
A. A problem solved.
Why Bicycles Are Better Than Women…
Bicycles don’t get pregnant.
You can ride your Bicycle any time of the month.
Bicycles don’t have parents.
Bicycles don’t whine unless something is really wrong.
You can share your Bicycle with your friends.
Bicycles don’t care how many other Bicycles you’ve ridden.
When riding, you and your Bicycle can arrive at the same time.
Bicycles don’t care how many other Bicycles you have.
Bicycles don’t care if you look at other Bicycles.
Bicycles don’t care if you buy Bicycle magazines.
You’ll never hear, “Surprise, you are going to own a new Bicycle” unless you
go out to buy one yourself.
If your Bicycle goes flat you can fix it.
If your Bicycle is too loose you can tighten it.
If your Bicycle is misaligned, you don’t have to discuss politics with it.
Why aren’t chick’s farts nearly as loud as men’s? Because they don’t stop talking long enough to build up any back pressure.How is a woman like a cop car? They both make lots of noise to let you know they are coming.What did Adam say when he woke up and found that a rib was missing? Whew, something smells fishy around here.Why do women get P.M.S.? Because mad cow disease was already taken.Why did god put men on earth? Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.
How Dogs and Women Are Alike
Both look stupid in hats.
Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.
Both tend to have “hip” problems.
Neither understands football.
Both look good in a fur coat.
Both are good at pretending that they’re listening to every word you say.
Neither believes that silence is golden.
Both constantly want back rubs.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
Both put too much value on kissing.
Ten Things Men Know For Sure About Women.
THE MEN’S GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISHWe need = I wantIt’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by nowDo what you want = You’ll pay for this laterWe need to talk = I need to complainSure… go ahead = I don’t want you toI’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!You’re … so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lotYou’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I’ve got my periodBe romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighsThis kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new houseI want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper…..I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of whiteHang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleepDo you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensiveHow much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to likeI’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TVIs my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautifulYou have to learn to communicate = Just agree with meAre you listening to me!? = [Too late, you’re dead.]Yes = NoNo = NoMaybe = NoI’m sorry = You’ll be sorryDo you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get used to itWas that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.I’m not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is importantAll we’re going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook? THE WOMEN’S GUIDE TO MALE ENGLISH”I’m hungry” = I’m hungry”I’m sleepy” = I’m sleepy”I’m tired” = I’m tired”Do you want to go to a movie?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you”Can I take you out to dinner?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you”Can I call you sometime?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you”May I have this dance?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you”Nice dress!” = Nice cleavage!”You look tense, let me give you a massage.” = I’d like to have sex with you”What’s wrong?” = I don’t see why you are making such a big deal out of this”What’s wrong?” = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?”What’s wrong?” = I guess sex tonight is out of the question”I’m bored” = Do you want to have sex?”I love you” = Let’s have sex now”I love you, too” = Okay, I said it…we’d better have sex now!”Yes, I like the way you cut your hair” = I liked it better before”Yes, I like the way you cut your hair” = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different!”Let’s talk” = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me”Will you marry me?” = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys”I like that one better” (while shopping) = Pick any freakin’ dress and let’s go home!
“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”
� What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven’t been shopping, all the
dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!”
� I know all that.”
� Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”
� Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”
1. Combating Stupidity.
2. You Can Do Housework Too.
3. PMS – Learning When to Keep Your Mouth Shut.
4. How to Fill an Ice Tray.
5. We do not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas. GIVE US MONEY.
6. Understanding the Female Response to your Coming in Drunk at 3am.
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly called “Don’t Wash my Silks”).
8. Parenting – No, it doesn�t End with Conception.
9. How not to Act like an Ass, when you are Obviously Wrong.
10. Get a Life – Learn to Cook.
11. Spelling – Even you can get it right.
12. You – The Weaker Sex.
13. Reasons to give Flowers.
14. How to stay awake after sex.
15. Why it is Unacceptable to relieve you anywhere but the Washroom.
16. Garbage – Getting it to the Curb.
17. The Morning Dilemma – If It’s Awake, Take a Shower.
18. I’ll wear it if I Damn Well Please.
19. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly called “No, It’s Not A Bidet”).
20. Give me a Break – Why we know your excuses are B.S.
21. The Weekend and Sports are not Synonymous.
22. How to Go Shopping with your Mate without Getting Lost.
23. The Remote Control – Overcoming your Dependency.
24. Romanticism – Other Ideas Besides Sex.
25. Helpful Posture Hints for Couch Potatoes.
26. Changing your Underwear – It Really Works.
27. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children.
28. You Too Can Be a Designated Driver.
29. Male Bonding – Leaving your Friends at Home.
30. Fluffing the Blankets after Releasing Gas is NOT Necessary.
31. The Attainable Goal – Omitting ]@#$&$ From Your Vocabulary.
32. Honest, You Don’t Look Like Mel Gibson – Especially When Naked.