Category: the battle of the sexes

New College Courses for Women

1. Silence, the final frontier: Where no woman has gone before.

2. The undiscovered side of Banking: How to make deposits.

3. Combating the Meld Marcos Syndrome: You don’t need new shoes everyday.

4. Learn how not to inflict your Diets on other people.

5. Nag – how to overcome your tendency to be a fishwife.

6. An invitation to a party does not mean that you have to have a new outfit.

7. Man Management: Discover how the garbage can wait until after the game.

8. Personal Space: Leaving at least enough space in the bathroom cupboard for
your partner�s toothbrush.

9. Valuation: Just because it’s not important to you.

10. Communication Skills I: Tears as the last resort and not the first.

11. Communication Skills II: How to think before speaking.

12. What he really wants: Is buying the right razor blades so difficult.

13. Driving a car safely: A skill you can also acquire.

14. Real women drink their share at a party.

15. Telephones: How to hang up.

16. Parking: Beginners Course.

17. Parking (Advanced): Reversing into a parking space.

18. The Natural Habitat of the Towel: Why they prefer the floor.

19. Managing your weight: Its not water retention – its fat.

20. Learning to cook I: Bran is not food.

21. Learning to cook II: Bringing back bacon and eggs.

22. Compliments: How to accept them gracefully.

23. PMS: Your problem – not his.

Yo mama’s so stupid she got hit by a parked car.

How many men does it take to clean a bathroom?

– None, it’s a woman’s job

A traveling salesman finds himself stranded in the tiniest town in Ireland. He
knocks on the door of a little hotel.

� Sorry, we don’t have a spare room,” says the manager, “but you’re welcome to
share with a little red-headed schoolteacher, if that’s okay.”

� Oh, that’ll be great,” says the salesman, grinning from ear to ear. “And
don’t worry, I’ll be a real gentleman.”

� Just as well,” says the manager. “So will the little red-headed
schoolteacher.”

A masked man walks into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter and shouts, ‘Open the safe!”But this is not a real bank!’ the woman replies, ‘It’s a sperm bank.”Open the safe or I’ll shoot!’ the man shouts.The woman, now terrified opens the safe.’Now take one of the bottles and drink it,’ he says.’But sir, these are sperm samples!’ the woman replies.’Just drink it or I’ll shoot!’The woman opens the bottle and drinks the lot. ‘Now take another bottle and drink it.”But sir, I just drank one!”Drink another one or I’ll shoot you!’The woman has no alternative and drinks a second bottle.When she has emptied it, the man now takes off his mask and the woman is surprised to see the robber is her husband.’Now you see, Honey,’ he says, ‘It isn’t so difficult, is it?’

Joe and John were identical twins.

Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.

One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it.

He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother John’s wife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery.

A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, “I’m so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.”

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, “Hell no! Fact is I’m sort of glad to be rid of her.”

“She was a rotten old thing from the beginning.”

“Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish.”

“She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too.”

“Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.”

“I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time.”

“I warned them that she wasn’t very good and that she smelled bad, but they wanted her anyway.”

“The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle.”

The old woman fainted.

Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He spent the whole evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, who was waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband’s behavior and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her and then said, “Why don’t you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don’t you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways.” The wife thought that might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. At about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door, quickly went to it, opened the door and let Harry in. This time, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, “It’s pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don’t you think?” At that, Harry replied in his inebriated state, “I guess we might as well. I’ll get in trouble when I get home anyway!

Their was once a man in a car that was driving on the road and their was girl getting herselef wet so then the man stoped the car a tolg if she wanted to get on the so that she would not get more wet. so then she got on the car and the man asked her where she livied and she said well i live right here in the sematerie and the man was scared. but then the teenager said no just kidding i livein town. so she was tring to scare him.

There was a Barber Shop on a military reservation, and a Colonel and a Sergeant are both getting haircuts. The Colonel’s barber is about done with him, and asks him if he wishes hair tonic.The Colonel says, “Hell no, if I get that stuff on my hair, my wife will think I’ve been in a whorehouse!”. Right after that, the Sergeant’s barber asks him the same question.The Sergeant replies, “Go ahead and put some on, my wife doesn’t know what a whorehouse smells like!”.

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands…. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. You’re running around with other women,” she told her mate. “Eve, honey, you’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You know you’re the only woman on earth.” The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso. “What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.”Counting your ribs,” said Eve.

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the
shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of
his round trip ticket — If he could just get to the airport he could get
himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab
waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to
send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his
drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said
(adopt appropriate dialect), “If you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the hell
out of my cab!” So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and
was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his
financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty
good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride
back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his
old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The
businessman thought for a moment about how he could make theguy pay for his lack
of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, “How much for a ride to the
airport, ” he asked? “Fifteen bucks, ” came the reply. “And how much for you to
give me a blowjob on the way?” “What?! Get the hell out of my cab.” The
businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same
questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked
“How much for a ride to the airport?” The cabbie replied “fifteen bucks.” The
businessman said “ok” and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long
line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each
driver.

Little Bob and his friend John went to the movies and, before the show, headed
to the bathroom to relieve themselves. Bob relieved himself then
washed his hands, much to his surprise John did just the opposite.
� Hey,” said Bob, “smart boys wash their hands after they pee.”
Holding his head back proudly, young John corrected, “Smart boys learn not to
pee on their hands.”