Category: the battle of the sexes

Why are Grandmas so nice?

There’s no kids and no periods.

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, “Hey, you don’t need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery.” The lady asks, “How do I do it without surgery?” “Just rub toilet paper between them.” “How does that make them bigger?” “I don’t know, but it worked for your ass.” (pangloss)

“Yes” = No

“No” = Yes

“Maybe” = No

“I’m sorry.” = you’ll be sorry.

� We need” = I want

“It’s your decision” = the correct decision should be obvious by now.

� Do what you want” = you’ll pay for this later.

� We need to talk” = I need to complain

“Sure… go ahead” = I don’t want you to.

� I’m not upset” = of course I’m upset, you moron!

� You’re … so manly” = you need a shave and you sweat a lot.

� You’re certainly attentive tonight” = is sex all you ever think about?

� Be romantic, turn out the lights” = I have flabby thighs.

� This kitchen is so inconvenient” = I want a new house.

� I want new curtains” = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper…..

� Hang the picture there” = NO, I mean hang it there!

� I heard a noise” = I noticed you were almost asleep.

� Do you love me?” = I’m going to ask for something expensive.

� How much do you love me?” = I did something today you’re really not going to
like.

� I’ll be ready in a minute.” = Kick off your shoes and find a good
game on TV.

� Is my butt fat?” = Tell me I’m beautiful.

� You have to learn to communicate.” = Just agree with me.

� Are you listening to me!?” = [Too late, you’re dead.]

� Was that the baby?” = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he
goes to sleep.

� I’m not yelling!” = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

Q: What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson’s dreams every night??
A: Hanson.

Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q: What s the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.

Q: How can you tell a macho women?
A: She rolls her own tampons.

Q: Why is a woman like a dog turd?
A: The older it is, the easier it is to pick up.

Q: What’s the difference between a woman and a toilet?
A: A toilet doesn’t follow you around once you’ve used it.

Q: How does a woman know that she is overweight?
A: She’s lying at the beach and people from Greenpeace try to push her back into the sea.

Q: How many men does it take to fix the vacuum cleaner??
A: Why the hell should we fix it, we don’t use the damn thing!

A fellow’s wife was very worried about her husband’s heavy drinking and
one night she decided to give him a fright. She draped herself in a white
sheet and went down to the local cemetery, knowing that her husband was in
the habit of taking a shortcut through it on his way home from the pub. It
was not long before he came staggering along, and out she jumped from
behind a headstone. “Ooooooo!” she wailed, “I am the Devil!”

He sticks out his hand…”Put it there, pal,” he says, “I am married to
your sister.”

A woman was missing her boyfriend, so she decided to write him the following brief letter:Dear Anthony,I’ve been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won’t you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool… nobody can take your place. I love you.All my love, KathyxoxoP.S. Congratulations on winning this week’s lottery�

Did you hear about the couple who got
their Vaseline and putty mixed up?

Their windows fell out.

Bernie was invited to his friend’s home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, “That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names.” Morris hung his head and whispered,” To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago.”

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end
up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around, he
notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.

Hundreds of small bears are on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium
sized ones are on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears are on the top shelf
along the wall. The man is kind of surprised by the collection, especially
because it�s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.

She turns to him�they kiss�then they rip each other�s clothes off and romp
around the room all night. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying
there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, �Well,
how�d I do?�

The woman says, �You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.�

A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life, so she placed a personal ad that read:RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:1. WON’T BEAT ME UP2. WON’T RUN AWAY3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, “Who are you and what do you want?””Hi,” said the man “Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I’ve got no arms, so I can’t beat you up and I’ve got no legs, so I can’t run away.”The old woman asked, “What makes you think you’re so great in bed?”To which he replied, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, “My son is such a
saint. He works hard, doesn’t smoke, and he hasn’t so much as looked at a woman
in over two years.”

The other woman said, “Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only hasn’t he not
looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn’t touched a drop of liquor in
all that time.”

“My word,” the first mother said. “You must be so proud.”

I am,” the second mother replied. “And when he’s paroled next month, I’m going
to throw him a big party.”

If a man speaks in a forest,and there isnt a woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?