Category: the battle of the sexes

Jeffory Dohmer asks Lorrena Bobbit one day, Are you gonna eat that?

Q. Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
A. So men can understand them.

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. “It’s a very handy thing”, God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. “I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability.”Adam jumped up and blurted, “Oh, give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability, It’d be so great! When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It’d be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please…On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn’t mind if Adam were the one given this ability.And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.”Fine,” God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, “What’s left here? Oh yes, Multiple orgasms…..”

What is a sorority girls mating call?

“I’m sooooooo drunk, I’m sooooooo drunk.”

Two men are out fishing and they are having great luck. They are catching so
fast, they have to go back early.
“This is so great,” says the first guy. “We should mark the spot so we can
come here again.”

“You’re right�, says the other guy who then dives over the side and paints a
big X on the bottom of the boat.

They head back to shore and just as they’re about to dock, the first guy looks
at the second guy and says, “But what if we don’t get the same boat next time?”

Farmer and his young bride lived out in the country and the preacher would stop by and of course they would invite him in for chicken dinner.As this went on and the preacher became so regular he was there practically everyday.The farmer had to go out in the fields to work, and the preacher would stay with the young bride. Each time he came over the young wife would have the farmer kill a chicken for dinner.Finally, after a hard day’s work the farmer was driving the tractor into the barn when the young bride stepped out onto the porch and hollered at him to get her a chicken so she could cook for the preacher. The farmer hollered back, “Screw the preacher!”To which the young bride replied “I already did, but I still need the chicken.”

Q: How do you get a macho guy to stop calling “it” The Whopper, My Bazooka,
and The Thunder Rod?
A: Ask, “Is it in?”

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment,
and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk.
The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made
a perfect salute, and snapped out “Sir, Good Evening, Sir!”

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said
“Good evening soldier, nice night, isn’t it?”

Well it wasn’t a nice night, but the Private wasn’t going to disagree
with the General, so the he saluted again and replied “Sir, Yes Sir!”.

The General continued, “You know there’s something about a stormy
night that I find soothing, it’s really relaxing. Don’t you agree?”

The Private didn’t agree, but them the private was just a private, and
responded “Sir, Yes Sir!”

The General, pointing at the dog, “This is a Golden Retriever, the
best type of dog to train.”

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said “Sir, Yes
Sir!”

The General continued “I got this dog for my wife.”

The Private simply said “Good trade Sir!”

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table, “Honey, breakfast is in the warming oven, I left early to go shopping. Love you.”

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, “Son, what happened last night?”

His son says, “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”

Confused, Marty asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

His son replies, “Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, “Lady, leave me alone, I’m married!”

Compliment her,
Cuddle her,
Kiss her,
Caress her,
Love her,
Stroke her,
Tease her,
Comfort her,
Protect her,
Hug her,
Hold her,
Spend money on her,
Wine & dine her,
Buy things for her,
Listen to her,
Care for her,
Stand by her,
Support her,
Go to the ends of the earth for her….

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked.
Bring Beer.

“I don’t care what color you paint the kitchen.”Really means: “As long as it’s not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white.””It’s a guy thing.”Really means: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.””Can I help with dinner?”Really means: “Why isn’t it already on the table?””Uh huh,” “Sure, honey,” or “Yes, dear.”Really means: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response like Pavlov’s dog drooling.”Good idea.”Really means: “It’ll never work. And I’ll spend the rest of the day gloating.””Have you lost weight?”Really means: “I’ve just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill.””My wife doesn’t understand me.”Really means: “She’s heard all my stories before, and is tired of them.””It would take too long to explain.”Really means: “I have no idea how it works.””I’m getting more exercise lately.”Really means: “The batteries in the remote are dead.””I got a lot done.”Really means: “I found ‘Waldo’ in almost every picture.””We’re going to be late.”Really means: “Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.””You cook just like my mother used to.”Really means: “She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too.””Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.”Really means: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.””That’s interesting, dear.”Really means: “Are you still talking?””Honey, we don’t need material things to prove our love.”Really means: “I forgot our anniversary. Again.””You expect too much of me.”Really means: “You want me to stay awake.””It’s a really good movie.”Really means: “It’s got guns, babes, fast cars.””That’s women’s work.”Really means: “It’s difficult, dirty, and thankless.””Will you marry me?”Really means: “Both my roommates have moved out, I can’t find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.””Go ask your mother.”Really means: “I am incapable of making a decision.””I do help around the house.”Really means: “I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.””Hey, I’ve got my reasons for what I’m doing.”Really means: “And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.””I can’t find it.”Really means: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.””What did I do this time?”Really means: “What did you catch me at?””She’s one of those rabid feminists.”Really means: “She refused to make my coffee.””I heard you.”Really means: “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.””You know I could never love anyone else.”Really means: “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.””You look terrific.”Really means: “Oh, God, please don’t try on one more outfit. I’m starving.””I brought you a present.”Really means: “It was free ice scraper night at the ball game.””I missed you.”Really means: “I can’t find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.””I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are.”Really means: “No one will ever see us alive again.””We share the housework.”Really means: “I make the messes, she cleans them up.””Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful.”Really means: “Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?””It sure snowed last night.”Really means: “I suppose you’re going to nag me about shoveling the walk now.””I don’t need to read the instructions.”Really means: “I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.””I’ll take you to a fancy restaurant.”Really means: “This time we won’t use the drive-thru window.”

The next week, The same guy goes into the same restaurant, but with a different friend, His friend sees the chef standing in the corner moving his hands real fast around his johnson, and his friend is like “What the hell is he doing!??!”He said. “He’s making doughnuts…wait till you see where he keeps the hot dogs. “