Category: the battle of the sexes

If your wife comes out of the kitchen to whine at you, what
have you usually done wrong?

Made her chain too long.

Q: How can you tell if your husband might be unfaithful?
A: Check and see if he has a penis.

The problem with men is that they spend too much time thinking with the wrong
head.

A woman is hurrying along a sidewalk when she hears a voice.. “Stop! Don’t take another step!”The woman freezes, and notices that with one more step she would have fallen into an uncovered manhole.She moves on somewhat shaken and ready to step down the sidewalk to cross the street when she hears the voice again: “Stop! Don’t do it!!” She stops, petrified, and a second later a big truck rushes by out of control. She leans against a lamp post to compose herself when she hears the voice again, this time quite relaxed.”I am your guardian angel,” says the voice, “I assume you might have a question or two to ask me.””Just one,” answers the woman. “Where were you on my wedding day???!!! “

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib. Silently
she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his
face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment,
skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes
glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.

� A penny for your thoughts,” she said.
� It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib
like that for only $46.50.”

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman’s about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with “A man once told me…”

How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There’s a clock on the oven

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course…at least he’ll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won’t do what she’s told.

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.

Scientists have discovered one certain food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%…wedding cake

Q: How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
A: In real life, men aren’t affectionate out of bed.

Man can climb the highest mountain, swim the widest ocean, fight the
strongest tiger, but once he’s married mostly he takes out the garbage.>

-Sam Levenson

One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly.When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself. Well, Your Honor, she began coolly. I figured that at 92, if he could fuck, he could fly!

Single women complain that all good men are married, while allmarried women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there isno such thing as a good man.

How do you get a sorority girl in your bed?

Grease her hips so she’ll fit through the door and throw a Twinkie on the bed.

Q: Why have they decided to stop circumcising men?
A: They have discovered they were throwing away the best part.