Category: the battle of the sexes

A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her — knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note with the bottle back over to the man.The note read: “For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1M in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants.”WELL, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: “Just so you know — I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have over $2M in the bank, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 2 inches! Send the bottle back.”

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, ”I’ve some bad news for you… you have the cancer and it can’t be cured. I’d give you two weeks to a month.” Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, ”Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I have cancer and I’ve been given a very short time to live. Let’s head for the pub and have a few pints.” After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy’s old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad… He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, ”I’ve only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS.” The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, Murphy’s son leaned over and whispered his confusion… ”Dad I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?” Murphy said, ”I am dying from cancer son – I just don’t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I’m gone.”

What is the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning?

Walks home.

A French woman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue
of a nude male. “What is that?” asked the child pointing to the penis.

� Nothing, nothing at all, Cherie,” replied the mother.

� I want one,” said the child. The mother tried to focus her daughter’s
attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted. “I want one
just like that,” she kept repeating.

At last the mother said, “If you are a good girl and stop thinking about it
now, when you grow up, you will have one�.

� And if I’m bad?” asked the little one.

� Then,” answered the mother, “You will have many.”

What’s the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?

There is no difference. They’re both round and have three holes to poke.

One day a guy comes home from work to find his wife packing her bags, when he asks her what she is doing she replies, “I’m fed up, I’m moving to New York.” The guy is puzzled and asks her why, “because I have found out that I can get $20 for what I give you for free,” she answered. The woman got up and went to wait on the porch for her cab to arrive. After about 10 minutes the husband joins her on the porch with his bags. “Where are you going?” She asks. “I want to see how you are going to survive on $40 a year,” was the husbands reply.

Q: What’s a man’s idea of foreplay?
A: A half hour of begging.

Man: Is there a problem Officer?
Officer: Sir, you were speeding.
Man: Oh I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Man: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Man: Lost it 4 times for drink driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Man: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Man: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Man: Yes, and I killed and raped the owner.
Officer: You what?
Man: She’s in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for
back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly
approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer2: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! The man steps out of
his vehicle.

Man: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.
Man: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please.

The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer2: Is this your car sir?
Man: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer2: One of my officer�s claims that you do not have a driving license.

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The
officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer2: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license,
stole this car, raped, and murdered the owner.
Man: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!

There was Jenny and Bill at a hot make out spot gettin there kissy kissy on. Bill asked Jenny, “Ya wanna get in the back?”. Jenny replies, “No!”.They go a little farther and Jenny’s shirt came off. Again Bill asks, “Ya wanna get in the back?”. “NO!!!!!” , replies Jenny. A few minutes later, Bill puts his hand up Jenny’s skirt. Again he asks, “Are ya sure ya don’t wanna get in the back?”. “NO!!!!!!”, replies Jenny. “Dammit!!!”, says Bill, “Why don’t ya wanna get in the back?”.Jenny quickly replies, “Cause I wanna stay here with you!”.

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning
till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.
He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He
drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his
lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it
just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack
in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.
When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a
minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him,
he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so
consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why
he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and
disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: “Well, the women would come up and say something about
how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in
agreement.”

“And what about the men?” the minister asked.

“They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”

A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem.He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, “this is what your wife needs, at least once a day!”The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, “Ok, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?”

Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
A: He’s breathing.