Category: the battle of the sexes

The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby.One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper, “Darling, am I the first man to make love to you?”Her tone, upon answering, was slightly more than irritable. “Of course you are!” she said, “and the best, too – I don’t know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions.”

Mr. Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. “Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy housecleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.” “We’re shorthanded, Smith,” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.” “Thanks, boss,” says Smith. “I knew I could count on you!”

1) Chocolate is just another snack.
2) You can be president. (In this lifetime.)
3) You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.
4) Flowers fix everything.
5) You never have to worry about other people’s feelings.
6) You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
7) You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
8) Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
9) You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
10) You can say anything (“Wow, do my balls hurt!”) and not worry about what
people will think.

What’s the difference between a sorority girl and a phone booth?

You need a quarter to use the phone.

Q: Why do women have breasts?
A: So men will talk to them.

A man walked into a dress shop and told the clerk he wanted to buy a surprise formal evening gown for his wife.”What size?” asked the clerk.The man shrugged blankly.Trying to help, the clerk inquired, “Well then, what are your wife’s measurements?”The man thought for a moment. “Small, medium, and large and in that order.”

This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the cell phone, and she says, “I’ll be home in an hour.””Perfect,” he replies.The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife!She calls him on the cell phone and she says, “Traffic is terrible. I won’t be there for about an hour and a half.”The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. “What should I do?” he asks.The Doctor replied, “It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?””Yes” the man replied.”Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?” said the Doctor.The man then replied with dismay, “But I don’t need Viagra with the housekeeper…”

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a longflight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks ifshe would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to takea nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window tocatch a few winks.The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy anda lot of fun. He explains “I ask you a question, and if you don’tknow the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa.” Again, shepolitely declines and tries to get some sleep.The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t knowthe answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I willpay you $50!” figuring that since she is a blonde that he willeasily win the match. This catches the blonde’s attention andfiguring that there will be no end to this torment unless sheplays, agrees to the game.The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from theearth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches in toher purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to thelawyer.Now, it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer, “What goes up ahill with three legs, and comes down with four?” The lawyer looksat her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer andsearches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with hismodem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends heknows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blondeand hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turnsaway to get back to sleep.The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blondeand asks, “Well, so what IS the answer!?” Without a word, theblonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes backto sleep.

A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.”The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”

There was this dad who was so unbelievably shy, and when his little daughter
first saw him naked and wondered what his ‘thingy’ was, he answered; “Well,
err…, ehhh…, that is my little bird it is”. His daughter was baffled by the
fact that men and/or boys were so lucky as to have their own bird, but she was
eventually persuaded and went to bed as any other night.
When the father woke up again, he was experiencing the ultimate, and I mean
really ultimate, pain! His daughter was at his side and he asked;
“Ohhhhhhh, moan, MOAN, moan….. My little daughter, WHAT has happened to
me?”
And the daughter answered;
“Well, I woke up in the middle of the night and decided I wanted to see your
birdy, and well, when I patted it for a while it SPITTED at me. I was *SO* mad
at it, so I wringed it’s head off, broke all the eggs and burnt the nest!”

A missionary realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how
to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, “This is a tree�. The chief looks
at the tree and grunts, “Tree�. The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says, “This
is a rock.” Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, “Rock�.

The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears
a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives
in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The missionary is really flustered and
quickly responds, “Riding a bike�.

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun, and kills them.
The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years
teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he
kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, “My bike�.

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these
turkeys get any bigger?”

The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”