Category: the battle of the sexes

25. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

26. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we.

27. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

28. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank
range. We’re bound to miss sometimes.

29. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

30. Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.

31. If you don’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to
act like soap opera guys.

32. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how pretty
you are?

33. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.

34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not
both.

35. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to
complain about having their boobs stared at.

36. Don’t make 50 rules when 36 will do.

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways… At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, ‘The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy’ and I would nod my head and say ‘Yes, it was.’ The men would then ask, ‘Can I borrow that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t, it’s all booked up for a year.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: I’ve seen a lot of these go by, but they keep changing, so what the heck, here it is again. ———————————-Tech Support Request Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me? – Jonathan Powell Dear Jonathan Powell- This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a ”UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT” program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. WARNING DO NOT TRY TO: un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be disasterious. Doing so may destroy your hard and/or floppy drive. Trying to un-install or remove Wife 1.0 will destroy valuable system resources. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under Warnings- Alimony/Child Support. Others have tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 in the background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects Girlfriend 1.0 and a system conflict occurs, this can lead to a non- recoverable system crash. Some users have tried to download simular products such as Fling and 1NiteStand. Often their systems have become infected with a virus. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance. Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0 -Monthly use utilities such as TLC and FTD -Frequently use Communicator 5.0 -Tech Support

Everyday I give thanks to God I was born a man instead of a broad When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV I don’t shave my legs, I stand up to pee I go to a barber, not a beauty salon Don’t pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on Don’t wax my pubes so I can wear shorts I use my turn signal, I understand sports Man, I’m glad I’m a man, man Tell you the reason I am I don’t go through a faze every 28 days Man, I’m glad I’m a man I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons Don’t take a lot of friends when I go the the john I don’t throw a fit when I break a nail I don’t buy a lot of shoes just because they’re on sale I don’t apply makeup in my rear-view mirror I don’t think of Bambi when I’m out hunting deer I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass I don’t ask my friends about the size of my ass Man, I’m glad I’m a man, man Tell you the reason I am I don’t face the pain of water-weight gain Man, I’m glad I’m a man Let me tell you ladies Listen to me ladies I love those things inside of your blouse I love your pretty faces Your warm and soft embraces But if I had my own two boobs, I’d never leave the house I don’t spend two hours getting ready for a date I don’t play with dolls unless they inflate When someone asks me my age, I never lie After sex in bed, my spot’s always dry I don’t read about orgasms in Vogue magazines I don’t mind if my dates try to get in my jeans I don’t spend a fortune on French lingerie This is the same underwear I wore yesterday Man, I’m glad I’m a man, man Tell you the reason I am I don’t take a pill, I don’t use Massengill Man, I’m glad I’m a man Man, I’m glad I’m a man, man Tell you the reason I am I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin’ Man, I’m glad I’m a man

A PSYCHOLOGICAL STUDY OF TYPES OF MEN IN THE REST ROOM
——————————————————
EXCITABLE Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
SOCIABLE Joins friends in piss, if he has to or not.
NOSEY Looks into urinal to see how other guy is fixed.
CROSSEYED Looks into urinal to the left, pisses into one in the middle,
flushes the one on the left.
TIMID Cannot urinate if someone is watching. Flushes urinal as
if he had gone, sneaks back later.
INDIFFERENT All urinals are being used, he pisses in sink.
CLEVER No hands, shows off by fixing tie, looks around, pisses on
the floor.
WORRIED Is not sure of what he has been doing lately, makes quick
inspection.
FRIVOLOUS Plays stream up and down urinal, tries to hit fly.
ABSENT MINDED Opens vest, pulls on tie, pisses in pants.
DISGUSTED Stands for awhile, gives up, walks away.
SNEAK Farts silently while leaking, acts innocent, hopes that the
man in the next stall will be blamed.
CHILDISH Leaks directly into urinal bottom, likes to see the bubbles.
PATIENT Stands very close for a long time, reads newspaper with his
other hand.
EFFICIENT Waits till he has to take a crap, then does both.
TOUGH Bangs dong against urinal to dry it off.
FAT Has to stand back to take a long blind shot at urinal, misses
and pisses in shoe.
LITTLE Stands on box, falls in urinal, drowns.
DRUNK Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
WITHDRAWN Places feet in urinal, pisses down leg, thus eliminating noise.
IMPATIENT Always in a hurry, pisses down back of guy using urinal in
front of him.

Q: What does a woman do with her a****** before having sex?
a: She drops him off at the golf course.

A sailor came home from a secret two year mission at sea only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.”Was it my friend Marvin?” he demanded.”No!” his weeping wife replied.”Was it my friend Jerry then?” he asked.”NO!!!” she said even more upset.”Well which one of my no good friends did this then?” he asked.”Don’t you think I have any friends of my own?” she snapped.

Nominated for quote of the year is this statement made by Dick Armey, R-Texas. When asked if he were in the President’s place, would he resign, he responded: ”If I were in the President’s place I would not get a chance to resign. I would be lying in a pool of my own blood, hearing Mrs. Armey standing over me saying, ‘How do I reload this damn thing?”

I was out with a girl last night who had a figure like an hour glass
but the sand was in the wrong place.

-Henny Youngman

What should you give a man who has everything?

– A woman to show him how to work it.

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost a thing. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented.Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, 4 of whom were worth keeping.REMEMBER – this chain brings luck.One day a man forwarded this letter and the next day he received the woman who had been named Hooter of the Year at the restaurant chain. An Alaska man was able to choose between a massage therapist and a nymphomaniac chef.You can be lucky, too, but don’t break the chain!! One man broke the chain and he got his ex-wife back.

A Woman’s Random ThoughtsSkinny people tick me off! Especially when they say things like, ‘You know, sometimes I forget to eat.’ You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn’t care.They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn’t all that communicative, but I heard from it the other day after I said, ‘Body, how’d you like to go to the six o’clock class in vigorous toning?’ Clear as a bell my body said, ‘listen wench…do it and die.’The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him).I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That’s my idea of a perfect day.I know what Victoria’s Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 20 can fit into their stuff.’If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?’