Category: the battle of the sexes

An old woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office
Building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like
expensive perfume turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, “Giorgio – Beverly
Hills, $100 an ounce!”

The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very
arrogantly turns to the old woman and says,”Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!”

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her floor and is about to
get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the
eye, she bends over, and farts – and says, “Broccoli – 49 cents a pound.”

Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it’s not good to mix alcohol and penicillin.I refuse to get cable. That’s how they keep tabs on you.People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell.I used to come here all the time with my ex.I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn’t hurt to consider it.Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn’t hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.I like clay. It’s mushy.I really feel that I’ve grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn’t have given someone like you a second look.And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.I know you said you don’t eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.It’s been tough, but I’ve come to accept that most people I date just won’t be as smart as I am.Dropping my pants just scared them. But when my underwear hit the ground… Man! I never knew Jehovah’s Witnesses could run that fast.

We’ve been married for fifty years, yet it seems like yesterday…

and you know what a bad day yesterday was.

Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. “Doctor, you must help me,” she pleaded. “It’s gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up having sex with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.”

“I see,” nodded the psychiatrist. “And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.”

“NO!!!” exclaimed the nurse. “I want you to fix it so I won’t feel guilty and depressed afterward!”

Q: How do married women rate their husbands in bed?
A: A good lover falls asleep immediately after sex, a mediocre lover falls
asleep during, and a ad lover falls asleep before sex and wakes up 30 minutes
later and asks if she had an orgasm.

Men are like…..Placemats. They only show up when there’s food on the table.

There are older sisters and younger brothers so the womb will be pretty posh for the guy to live in.

A woman finds out that her husband is cheating on her while stationed in Saudi Arabia. So she sends him a very special care package. He is very excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favorite TV shows.He invites a couple of his buddies over and they’re all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some episodes of South Park.Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees giving his best friend oral sex.After a few seconds, he does his business in her mouth and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough. She then looks at the camera and says, “By the way, I want a divorce.”Now that’s a Dear John letter…

8. What do you mean today’s our anniversary?

7. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I’d rather just watch TV.

6. Ohhhhhh, this diamond is wayyyyyyyyy tooooooo big!

5. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I’m tired of being ‘just friends’

4. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?

3. Aww, don’t stop for directions, I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out how to get there.

2. I don’t care if it’s on sale, $300 is way to much for a designer dress.

1. Hey, pull my finger!

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When
they get there the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he
says,�’Honey, my hands are freezing!� She says, �Well put them between my thighs
and that will warm them up.�
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says
again, �Man! My hands are really freezing!� She says again, �Well. put them
between my thighs and warm them up again.� He does, and again that warms him
up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood to get them through
the night. When he returns to the cabin, he states once again, �Honey, my hands
are really, really freezing.� She looks at him and says, �For crying out loud,
don’t your ears ever get cold?�

When I was 14, all I wanted was a girlfriend.When I was 16, I dated a girl, but there was no passion.So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, and she cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her.She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. Now all I want is a girl with big tits.

Q: Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
A: At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 10,000
miles, whichever came first.