Category: the battle of the sexes

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.”How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk.She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.”That’s a bit much,” said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.”That’s still quite a bit,” Tim complained.Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.”What I mean,” said Tim, “is I’d like to see something really cheap.”The clerk handed him a mirror.Submitted By: Jennie

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed… driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, “What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!”

The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”

“Give me a break! You don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here.”

Q: Why did God give a man a penis?
A: So we’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.

One day, a policeman walked by and saw a drunk man sitting
in a puddle.
“Hey, are you drunk?” asked the policeman.
“No! I’m just resting!” said the drunk man in a lazy voice.

” ow is that so? Well, if your not drunk, what time is it?”

The drunk man raised his arm, as if to point at something,
and raised the other arm to cross the first arm over and
said, ” It’s 12:43!”

“Amazing!” said the policeman. It was indeed 12:43! “How
did you do that?”

“Hee, hee, hee, magic!” he said in a drunk voice. This
happened for 2 more times and the drunk man got it right
every time. The policeman puzzled that for a moment and
left only to come back to ask the drunk man how he did it.

“Oh ok! Don’t push me!” he said. ” I’ll tell you how I did
it only if you sit with me in this puddle.”

” What? No, I’m not sitting in that puddle.” said the
policeman.

” Ok, then you will not learn my secret.”

” Well,ok, but only if you promise to tell me your trick.”

“Ya, ya I will.”

So the policeman stepped in the puddle, and sat down near
the drunk man. ” Ok, I’m in the puddle, now what?”

“Well, turn to face that way, and look at that very large
building,” He pointed, ” Do you see it?”

“Ya I see it, so what?” Said the policeman.
“Well, then I bet that you see that the building is BIG BEN
the clock tower.”

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Wind down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash, and receipt.
6. Wind up window.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.
3. Re-start stalled engine.
4. Wind down the window.
5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card..
6. Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror.
7. Attempt to insert card into machine.
8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from car.
9. Insert card.
10. Re-insert card the right way up.
11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back
page.
12. Enter PIN.
13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
14. Enter amount of cash required.
15. Re-check make-up in rear view mirror.
16. Retrieve cash and receipt.
17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and put cash inside.
18. Place receipt in back of cherub book.
19. Re-check make-up again.
20. Drive forward two meters.
21. Reverse back to cash machine.
22. Retrieve card.
23. Re-empty handbag, locate cardholder and place card into the slot
provided.
24. Re-check make-up.
25. Re-start stalled engine and move off.
26. Drive for 3 – 4 miles.
27. Release hand brake.

A man heard his wife talking to one of her friends,she was saying something about small,short and other words simular.that knight the man and woman were getting ready for bed and the man asked the woman if she was talking about him at all this evening?the woman said no, why?the man said when you reafer to me to your friends I wuold appreceate it if you would use words like large and big.the woman replied, ok.they continued to undress for bed,when the man got naked ,the woman said to the man It’s not very large is it?I thought it was bigger.

A young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the
ham, she placed the ham in a pan for baking.

Her friend asked her, “Why did you cut off the end of the ham”?

And she replied, “I really don’t know but my mother always did, so I thought
you were supposed to.”

Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the
ham before baking it, and her mother replied, “I really don’t know, but that’s
the way my mom always did it.”

A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked,
“Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?”

Her grandmother replied, “Well dear, it would never fit into my baking pan.”

Q: Why are all dumb blond jokes on-liners?
A: So men can understand them.

The FBI was looking to hire new agents. 3 people came to the try outs…2 guys and 1 girl. The FBI guy says to the three participants: “When you go into that room over there, you will see your husband or wife tied up in a chair. To get this job, you have to take this gun, and shoot them.”So, the first guy takes the gun, and goes into the room. He sees his wife tied up in a chair. There is a long silence, and the guy walks out and says “I couldn’t do it.” The FBI guy unties the wife, and says, “Sorry, you didn’t get the job.”The next guy goes in and sees his wife sitting there, all tied up. He also could not shoot his wife. So the FBI guy tells him “Sorry, you didn’t get the job.”Finally, the woman goes into the room with a gun. For at least 5 minutes there was a lot of noise! The woman comes out of the room and says “You didn’t tell me the gun was full of blanks! I had to beat my husband to death with the chair!!!” The FBI guy says “Uhhh… You’re hired!”–Submitted by Katie Cook

A couple of elderly gentleman are playing a leisurely round of golf one fine
afternoon when the gentleman lining up his tee shot notices a funeral procession
approaching on a nearby road. He stops what he’s doing, removes his cap, and
stands in silence as the procession passes by. His fellow golfer stands watching
in astonishment, “that was very decent of you Frank!” he stutters. “Aye�, says
Frank putting his cap back on “she was a good wife to me”.

Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided

that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, “Well

Leroy, it isn’t Christmas and we don’t have the money to just go out and buy

you anything you want. So why don’t you write a letter to Jesus and pray for

one instead.” After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He

finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.

Dear Jesus,

I’ve been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.

Your Friend,

Leroy

Now, Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (brat), so he

ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.

Dear Jesus,

I’ve been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.

Your Truly,

Leroy

Well, Leroy knew this wasn’t totally honest, so he tore it up and tried

again.

Dear Jesus,

I’ve thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle?

Leroy

Well, Leroy looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his

mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of

almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and

went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the

way he treated his parents and really considered his actions. He finally

found himself in front of a Catholic Church. Leroy went inside and knelt

down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Leroy finally got

up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of

a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home, hid it

under his bed and wrote this letter.

Jesus,

I’ve got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike!

Sincerely,

You know who

A couple were having financial problems until finally they couldn’t stand it
any more. The husband said to his wife that is was necessary for her to make
some money through prostitution to get by.
So the husband drove her to the place where she had to do the job and in the
evening he picked her up again.
“So, how much have you earned today?” the husband asked.
“Well”, the woman responded, “I’ve made one hundred dollars and fifty cents.”
“That’s strange”, the husband responded, “who gave you the fifty cents?”
Said the woman: “All of them, of course!”