Category: the battle of the sexes

A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his testicles are. “Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life,” he tells her, by way of poetic concealment. She tells this to her mother, who replies, “Did he say anything about that dead branch they’re hanging on?”

After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, “Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?”

The flattered husband said, “No, dear they haven’t.”

The wife yells, “Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?”

So this guy was out on his front lawn flying a kite, he was really
having a difficult time. The kite was swinging wildly, not exactly
what you’d describe as stable, so his wife sticks her head out the door
and says, “Gee Ralph, it looks like you need more tail.”

Ralph replies “Make up your goddamn mind, last night you told me to
go fly a kite!”

A couple was going out for the evening. They had gotten ready, all dolled up,
cat put out, etc. The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out the door, the
cat shot back in. They didn’t want the cat shut in the house, so the wife went
out to the taxi while the husband went upstairs to chase the cat out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explained to the
taxi driver, “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. “Sorry I took so long,” he
said. “Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a
coat hanger to get her to come out!”

It seems that when God was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was horrified. “Only twenty years of normal sex life?” but the Lord was very adamant that was all man could have.Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. “But I don’t need twenty years”, he protested, “Ten is plenty for me.” Man spoke up eagerly. “Can I have the other ten?” The monkey graciously agreed.Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey, wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, “Can I have the other ten?” The lion said of course he could.Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years – but like the others, ten was sufficient – and again man pleaded, “Can I have the other ten?”This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of making an ass of himself.

T-Shirt Sayings for Women Who Take No Crap

I’m busy. You’re ugly. Have a nice day.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Remember my name – you’ll be screaming it later.

Of course I don’t look busy … I did it right the first time.

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

I’m multi-talented: I can talk and tick you off at the same time.

Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

Don’t tick me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.

You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP!

Guys have feelings too. But like … who cares?

I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them.

Next mood swing: six minutes.

I hate everybody and you’re next.

Please don’t make me kill you.

And your point is … ?

I used to be a schizophrenic, but we’re OK now.

All stressed out and no one to choke.

I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people.

How can I miss you if you won’t go away?

Sorry if I looked interested. I’m not.

Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from sports to cooking. “I got a cookbook once,” said the first, “but I could never do anything with it.””Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?” asked the second.”You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way, ‘Take a clean dish and…'”

A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. the subject
of the day is involuntary muscle. the instructor, hoping to perk up the students
a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her a****** does when she has an
orgasm.

� sure!” she says, “he’s at home taking care of the kids…”

Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her….

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Show up naked.
…. with Beer

A newly married couple was visiting friends when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he’d put an end to things by saying boldly, “After our second child, I’ll just have a vasectomy.”Without a moment’s hesitation, the bride retorted, “Well, I hope you’ll love the third one as if it’s your own.”

After his divorce Mr. Jones realized that poker isn’t the only game that
starts with holding hands and ends with a staggering financial loss.

A husband suspects his wife is having an affair. He needs to go on a business trip for several days, so he decides to set a trap for her. He puts a bowl of milk under the bed. From the bed springs, he suspends a spoon. He has it calibrated so that her weight on the bed will not drop the spoon into the milk. But, if there is any more weight than that, the spoon will drop into the milk and he will detect it upon his return home.He comes home several days later. The first thing he does is reaches under the bed and retrieves the bowl. The bowl is full of butter.