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Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one,
Eddie. I just had a fight with the little woman.”
“Oh yeah,” said Eddie. “And how did this one end?”
“When it was over,” Harvey replied, “she came to me on her hands and
knees.”
“Really? Now that’s a switch! What did she say?”
“She said, ‘Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!'”
1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the arse and a ‘cheers for the sex would pretty much do it.2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.3. Valentine’s Day would be moved to 29th February so it would only occur in leap years.4. On Mothers Day, you’d get the day off to go drinking.5. The only show opposite ‘Monday Night Football’ would be ‘Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.’6. Instead of ‘beer-belly,’ you’d get ‘beer-biceps.’7. Tanks would be far easier to rent.8. Every woman that worked would have to do so topless.9. When the Police pull you over, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. Example – Cop: ‘You know how fast you were going?’ You: ‘All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.’ Cop: Nice one, that’s $20 off.’10. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.11. Every man would get four, real ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ cards per year.12. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.13. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen when the ball goes out of play.14. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to ‘I love you.’15. The funniest guy in the office would get to be the CEO.16. ‘Sorry, but I got wasted last night,’ would be an acceptable excuse for absence and/or poor time keeping.17. Lifeguards could remove people from beaches for violating the public ugliness ordinance.18. Hallmark would make ‘Sorry, what was your name again?’ cards.19. Lager would have the same effect as Viagra.20. ‘Fancy a shag’ would be the only chat up line in existence and it would work every time.21. Everyone would drive at least 70mph and anyone driving under that would be fined.22. Dinner break would happen every hour and the boss would hire in strippers and $2000 a night hookers for the duration of those breaks.23. Saying ‘Let’s have a threesome. You, me and your sister’ to your wife/girlfriend would get the response, ‘What a great idea!’24. Harrier jump jets would take you to and from work.25. Everyone would have real a Light Sabre and any disagreements would be settled by a fight to the death.26. Vomiting after 20 pints would actually make you more attractive to the opposite sex.27. Along with your milk in the morning, the milkman would deliver two Swedish milk maids.28. When it was time to leave work, a whistle would sound and you’d get to slide down the back of a Brontosaurus just like Fred Flintstone29. “Yes” would be an acceptable answer to a woman’s question of “Does my bum look big in this?”
I’ve never understood why women love cats.Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep.In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
I know how to please a woman.Then please leave me alone.I want to give myself to you.Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.Your hair color is fabulous.Thank you. It’s on aisle three at the corner drug store.You look like a dream.Go back to sleep.I can tell that you want me.Yes, I want you to leave.Hey, baby, what’s your sign?Do not enter.I’d go through anything for you.Let’s start with your bank account.May I have the last dance?You’ve just had it.Your place or mine?Both. You go to your place, and I’ll go to mine.Your body is like a temple.Sorry, there are no services today.Is this seat empty?Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.What’s it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?What’s it like being the biggest liar in the world?Haven’t I seen you someplace before?Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.
A few people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, “My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG.”
Another guy says, “What’s that?” The first guy says, “That means I am a Single, New Age Guy.”
Another one says, “My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.
A girl asks, “What’s that?”
He says, “That means I am a Double Income, No Kids.”
A lady says, “That’s nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE.”
Larry says, “A wife? What’s a wife?”
She says, “That means, ‘Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.”
A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband terrified, screamed, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to……to….cut it off are you?!”The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, “Nope. You are. I’m going to set the garage on fire.”
Female Viagra
With the introduction of Viagra to fix a perennial male problem, a famous
pharmaceutical company is working to redress the balance.
MIRRORCILLIN – A 5cc dose enables a woman to walk past mirrors for up to four
hours without pausing once.
STOPPANAGGIN – Gives women a vague feeling of contentment towards their
spouse/boyfriend.
COSMOPOLIRA – Doubles female intelligence to almost simian
levels, allowing ‘facts’ in trash lifestyle magazines to be disputed.
LOGICON – Trials showed that females taking this were able to follow a
proposition through to its logical conclusion, and argue effectively without
being diverted into non-relevant postulates such as ‘you don’t love me
anymore’.
PARKATRON – 72% of women taking this were able to safely reverse
park a Ford Fiesta into a space only 12 meters long; 54% achieved this in under
15 minutes.
MAGNATACK – Uniquely distorts the cornea, making certain shapes appear much
larger than in reality – no practical use for this drug has yet been found.
WARDROBIA – Clinical trials show that almost 23% of women taking this drug can
safely walk past a sale notice, and an amazing 42% stayed within their credit
limit.
BEERINTULIN – Engenders a female desire to bring her spouse/boyfriend
alcoholic beverages and snacks during televised sports.
Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity to each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted both to go to the same college, but, the girl was accepted to a college on the East Coast, and the guy went to a college on the West Coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and to spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn’t take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and e-mails trying to win back her love. She soon became very annoyed with his persistence and now with a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend’s unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, “I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone.” Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but, even more, so, he was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo the following, “Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money! I’m getting pretty desperate!” and mailed the picture to her parents.
did you hear about the new divorced Barbie that is coming out at christmas? it comes with all ken’s accessories
Differences Between Good Girls and Bad Girls
Good girls loosen a few buttons when it’s hot.
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
Good girls wax their floors.
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
Good girls blush during sex scenes in a movie.
Bad girls know they could do it better.
Good girls wear white cotton panties.
Bad girls don’t wear any.
Good girls think they’re not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.
Bad girls think they’re fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.
Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it.
Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
Good girls pack their toothbrush.
Bad girls pack their diaphragms.
Good girls wear high heels to work.
Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have sex.
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place.
Good girls prefer the missionary position.
Bad girls do too, but only for starters.
Good girls say, “No�.
Bad girls say, “When?”
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay..
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be ! willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.
Bob’s father and friends were throwing him the best bachelor party ever. There were hookers and strippers, tons of food, and best of all, some great porno flicks.Feeling the beer, Bob’s dad stands up and hollers to get everyone’s attention.”I want to propose a toast to my son! Bob, I’m so glad I could be here with you on the happiest day of your life.””But, Pop,” Bob said, I’m not getting married until tomorrow!”Bob’s dad interrupted and said, “Like I said, I’m so glad I could be here with you on the happiest day of your life.”