Category: the battle of the sexes

The young couple was engaged in a most affectionate embrace when
there came the sound of a key in the front door.
The young lady broke away at once, eyes wide with alarm.
“Heavens,” she cried, “it’s my husband! Quick, jump out the
window.”
The young man, equally alarmed, made a quick step toward the
window, then demurred. “I can’t,” he said, “we’re on the thirteenth
floor.”
“For heaven’s sake,” cried the young lady in exasperation, “is this
a time to be superstitious?”

A Chinese couple is in bed one night, when the man gives his
wife an elbow and says, “May-Ling, how about a little 69. I’m
in the mood for some 69.” “Shut-up and go back to sleep,” groans
his wife. “Come on, you know I like 69, and for that matter, so
do you!” “What time is it?” “1:30.” “You want me to get up
at this hour and make beef and broccoli for the two of us?”

Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans.
She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.
Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent
that they would marry she thought to herself, “He is such a sweet and
She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her
car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country
she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she
would have to walk home.
On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked
beans was more than she could stand since she still had miles to walk,
she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she
reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she
had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt
reasonably sure she could control it.
Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed
delightedly,� Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight.”
He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She
seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his
wife, the telephone rang.
He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He
then went to answer the telephone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the
pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of
the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg, and
let it go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running
over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.
She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously.
Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which
reminded her of cooked cabbage.
Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she
went on like this for another ten minutes.
When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned
the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and
folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.
She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned,
apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she
assured him that she had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and was she surprised!!
There were twelve dinner guests there to wish her a Happy Birthday”!!!

You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender.

For example…

1) Ziploc Bags — They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers — They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It’s an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tire — Male, because it goes bald and it’s often overinflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon — Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there’s the hot air part.

5) Sponges — Female, because they’re soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page — Female, because it’s always getting hit on.

7) Subway — Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass — Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) Hammer — Male, because it hasn’t changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.

10) Remote Control — Female…… Ha! You thought it’d be male. But consider this — it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Why Dogs Are Better Than Women – Part II

When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
Dogs like beer.
Dogs don’t hate their bodies.
No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.
No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
Dogs never criticize.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs never expect gifts.
It’s legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
Dogs don’t worry about germs.
Dogs don’t want to know about every other dog you ever had.
Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and
the back of your sock drawer.
Dogs don’t let magazine articles guide their lives.
Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster.
You never have to wait for a dog. They’re ready to go 24 hours a day.
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
Dogs don’t borrow your shirts.
Dogs never want foot-rubs.
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
Dogs can’t talk.
Dogs aren’t catty.
Dogs seldom outlive you.

Dear Abby:

… This is the second marriage for both of us. And when my husband
said “I Will” he knew damn well he couldn’t.

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.Roberts looks around and asks, “Now, who is going to tell the wife?” They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse than it is.”Gentlemen! Discreet? I’m the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me.” Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.Rippington says, “Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.”She hollers, “TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!”Rippington says, “I’ll tell him.”

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court.But custody of the children was a problem.The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that, since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and said, “Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?”

Women are under the illusion they don’t have to ask men for anything – that if the man really loved her, he would automatically and instinctively know what she needed. Right! As if the dysfunctional drone even knew you were in the room, let alone knew what you were feeling. A woman has a better chance of finding a bathing suit off the rack that fits than finding a man who knows what she is going through. Ironically, however, men like to feel needed – like they’re her knight in shining armor. Unfortunately, most turn out to be needy, like her nightmare from The Shining. Therefore, it is important that a woman ask a man directly for what she wants, not indirectly. He is not a mind reader. He doesn’t even read a map, how’s he going to read a mind?How To Ask A Man To Do Something*————————————–*Always remember these five important rules when asking a man to do something:1. Make sure the man is conscious.2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn’t have a peel-back cover.5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.6. Use “would you” or “will you” instead of “you’d better” or “do as I say and no one will get hurt”. OK, Here are the six rules.************************The Right And Wrong Way to Ask A Man*————————————–*How you ask a man to do something makes all the difference. Women think that a subtle nuance or slight turn of phrase will have no effect whatsoever on the resolve of their mucho-macho muscular moron. It does! Which is why you should always use “would you” and “will you” instead of “could you” and “can you”. For example:Do say: would you please take out the garbage?Do not say: could you get off your big butt and do something around here? What am I, the maid?Do say: would you like to go out to a nice dinner Saturday night?Do not say: could you please take me to any restaurant that doesn’t have the words “burger”, “king”, or “happy meal” in their advertising??Do say: would you mind watching the kids while I take a night off with my girlfriends?Do not say: could you, just for one night, watch the kids you helped spawn-that I never get a break from-ever! I haven’t seen my friends in so long we wear name tags to identify ourselves.Do say: would you take me to a movie this week?Do not say: could you prove to me you’re not Velcroed to the couch and actually have the motor skills to take me to a motion picture? Something without Pamela Anderson in it.Do say: would you like me to listen to you talk about your day some more?Do not say: could you step up the filibuster, Sparky? Jeopardy is on in ten minutes.Do say: would you consider getting a vasectomy?Do not say: could you even imagine what it feels like taking birth control pills that make you feel like Attila the Hun one minute and Attila the Hun’s evil twin the next minute? Do it or I’ll do it FOR you!!Do say: would you like to take a vacation?Do not say: could you move out?Do say: would you get out of my life?Do not say: could you get out of my life?Notice how different these two statements are. A man is much more likely to get out of your life if you say “would”.

A fellow picks a woman up in a bar and takes her home.

When he takes off his shoes and socks, it is apparent that his toes
have had something dreadful happen to them.. “Eeek!” says she.
“Oh, I used to have toe-lio,” says he. “You mean polio?” “No,
toe-lio.” So they continue.

When he takes off his pants, his knees look like they have been beaten
with sledge hammers. “Eeek!” says she. “Oh, I used to have the
knee-sles,” says he. “You mean measles?” “No, knee-sles.” Still
undaunted, they continue.

When he takes off his underpants, she laughs and says, “Don’t tell
me! Small-cocks!”

After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other’s throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor’s office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. ”What seems to be the problem?” Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless. The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, ”Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!” The husband scratched his head and replied, ”I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the
doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is
suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you
don’t do the following, your husband will surely die:

“Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he’s in a
good mood. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for
dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores, as
this could further his stress. Don’t discuss your problems with him, as that
will only make him stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by
wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some
type of sporting event on TV. And most importantly, make love with your husband
several times a week and satisfy his every whim.

“If you can do this for 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain
his health completely.”

On the way home the husband asked his wife , “What did the doctor say?”

“You’re going to die,” she replied.