Category: the battle of the sexes

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item
that she doesn’t want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never
worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A
successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at
all.

5. Married men live longer than single men – but married men are a lot
more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes – there’s no use in two people
remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate
during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man
marries a woman expecting that she won’t change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that
is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage
& after marriage.

A man was walking in the city, when a particularly dirty and shabby-looking
bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner accosted him.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, “If I gave you
this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?”

� No, I stopped drinking years ago,” the bum said.

� Will you use it to gamble?”

� I don’t gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive.”

� Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?”

� Are you NUTS! I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”

The man said, “Well, I’m not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I’m going
to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.” The bum was
astounded.

� Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m
dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad.”

The man replied, “Hey, man, that’s OK! I just want her to see what a man looks
like who’s given up drinking, gambling, and golf!”

Men are like…..Vacations. They never seem to be long enough.

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears. He says, “So what’s bothering you, dear?”She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?”She says, “Aye, that he did, Father… The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?”She says, “He said, ‘Please, Mary, put down that dang gun…'”

Somewhere in the city there was a small apartment building. there were four floors and 1 person lived on each floor.On the first floor there lived a police man. Everybody could tell it was him at the door because he knocked once.On the second floor there lived a fire man. Everybody could tell it was him at the door because he knocked twice.On the third floor there lived a blind man. Everybody could tell it was him at the door because he knocked three times.On the Fourth floor there lived a woman. Everybody could tell it was her at the door because she knocked four times.one day the woman was in the shower and she heard one knock at the door. She put on her robe and answered the door. It was the police man. He said “guess what! guess what! I just made my first arrest!” Then he left and the woman went back in the shower.Then she heard two knocks at the door. so she put on her robe and answered the door. It was the fire man. He said “guess what! guess what! i just saved a person from a burning building!” then he left and she went back in the shower.A while later she heard 3 knocks at the door. She knew it was the blind man, so she didn’t put on her robe and she answered the door. He said “guess what! guess what! I just got might sight back!===== From Cara 🙂

Avant-Garde.
– a French chastity belt.

A couple went to a certain nude resort for their honeymoon. The
husband fell asleep as he was tanning himself on the beach. When he woke,
his “tool”, shall we say, was red and respectably sunburned. As it itched
and hurt quite a bit, he went back to the cabin to find something to cool it
with. When he got back to his cabin, he opened the refrigerator, and to his
dismay, there was no ice, no water, nothing with which to cool his “tool”,
only a quart of milk. Being desparate, he poured the milk in to a glass,
and stuck his dong in it to cool it. At that moment,
his wife walked in. Taking a look at her naked husband and the strategic
placement of the glass of milk, she exclaimed, “Aha! So that’s how you
reload!”

This list is a general disclaimer for any wives or girlfriends who happen upon a copy of this:1) The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.2) Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.3) When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.4) When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.5) If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.6) If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.5) If you don’t like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven’t hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.6) I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.7) Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.8) Don’t ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.9) If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished.It’s only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own.10) I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.11) Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it’s up put it down.

2. Don’t cut your hair. Ever.

3. Don’t make us guess.

4. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you
don’t want to hear.

5. Sometimes, he’s not thinking about you. Live with it.

6. He’s never thinking about “The Relationship�.

7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it’s not different; it’s just like every other
cat.

8. Dogs are better than cats.

9. Sunday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let
it be.

10. Shopping is not everybody’s idea of a good time.

11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

12. You have enough clothes.

A Dutch artist is set to marry herself to show people how much she loves the “different sides of her character.” Jennifer Hoes, 29, has ordered a complete wedding party, wedding dress and marriage certificate. “I want to celebrate with others how much I’m in love with myself,” she said.

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?” “Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life,” her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So, why’s the groom wearing black?”

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, “I bet you don’t know what day this is.” “Of course I do,” he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn’t wait for her husband to come home. “First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!” she exclaimed. “I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!”