Category: the battle of the sexes

Q: If A woman of 35 think of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
A: Dating children.

Men are like…Curling Irons. They’re always hot and they’re always in your
hair.

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he
can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open.
The bride agrees.
After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been
left ajar.
She peeks in and sees 3 golf balls and $6,000.
She confronts her mate with her findings, and asks for an explanation.
He explains “Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball
in the drawer.”
She figures 3 times in 30 years isn’t bad. But what about the $6,000?
He explains “Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold ’em!”

Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and a male insomniac?
A: A cock that stays up all night.

Q: What’s the best thing about your child turning 3 years of age?
A: Daddy now has someone who has more in common with him.

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
� Yes,” he said. “I do. My father taught me.”
� Good. What comes after three.”
�? Four�, answers the boy.

� What comes after six?”
“Seven�.
� Very good,” says the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. What comes
after ten?”

� A jack,” says the kid.

A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life, so she
placed a personal ad that read: Rich Widow Looking for Man to Share Life and
Fortune with the Following Qualifications:

1. WON’T BEAT ME UP
2. WON’T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing
constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail. None of the men
seemed to meet her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man,
with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, “Who
are you and what do you want?”

� Hi,” said the man “Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams.
I’ve got no arms, so I can’t beat you up and I’ve got no legs, so I can’t run
away.”

The old woman asked, “What makes you think you’re so great in bed?”

To which he replied, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theatre yelled, “How’d you do that?””I could tell you, sir”, the magician answered, ” But then I’d have to kill you.”After a short pause, the man yelled back, “Ok, then. Just tell my wife!”

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to
give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what
she does with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her
hair done, new make up, buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for
the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him
because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf
clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she
presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him
because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the
$5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint
account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves
him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money,
and then he married the one with the largest breasts.

She married and had 6 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and
had 3 more children. Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time
had 4 more children.

At last, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to
the Lord above, thanking Him, for this loving woman who fulfilled his
commandment to “Go forth and multiply.”

In his eulogy, the preacher said, “Lord, they’re finally together.”

Leaning over to a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked, “Is he referring to her
first, second or third husband?”

The neighbor replied, “I think he’s referring to her legs.”

If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section

buy a dog.

If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you

buy a dog.

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it

buy a dog.

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want

buy a dog.

If you want someone to scare away burglars, without a lethal weapon which terrifies you and endangers the lives of your family and all the neighbors

buy a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn’t give a damn about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies

buy a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores

buy a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn’t care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually,

buy a dog.

But on the other hand If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night, only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness,

Then ………….

Buy a cat.

(Any resemblance to a man is purely coincidental)

A man is driving down a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving up the
same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells:
“PIG!!”

The man immediately leans out his window and replies with “BITCH!”

They each continue on their way, as the man rounds the next corner he crashes
into a pig in the middle of the road.