Category: the battle of the sexes

Why are men so intellegent during sex?

Because they are plugged into geniuses!

Returning to his hotel room after a too many drinks, the drunken executive
walked into the elevator shaft and promptly dropped five stories. Lying bloodied
and broken and flat on his back, he stared back along the shaft and sneered, “I
wanted to go up, admit!”

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home
alone with her 3-year-old daughter, Kathleen. Heidi started to go into labor and
called 911. Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic was able to
respond to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked
Kathleen to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he
helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and
after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet, and
spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked
Kathleen for her help, and asked the wide-eyed 3 year old Kathleen what she
thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, “He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first
place. Spank him again.”

Q:What is Michael Jackson’s downfall when it comes to making friends?
A: He is two faced.

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal his mother couldn’t
help noticing how beautiful John’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of
a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more
curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the
eye.

Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates.”

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, “Ever since your mother came
to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don’t suppose
she took it, do you?”

John said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure�.

So, he sat down and wrote, “Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy
ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But,
the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for
dinner.”

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which
read: “Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Julie, and I’m not
saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if she was
sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom.

Lesson of the day: Don’t lie to your mother.

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car on the
market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most
expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He
takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls
up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny
car and asks, “What kind of car ya’ got there sonny?”

The young man replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a
million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it
cost so much?”

“Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!” states
the young dude proudly.

The Moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”

“No problem,” replies the owner. So the old man pokes his
head in the window and looks around.

Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, “That’s
a pretty nice car, all right…but I’ll stick with my
Moped!”

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the
old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within
30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he
notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be
getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and
suddenly WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going
much faster!

“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the
young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes
the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees
that it’s the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped
could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the
moped at 275 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He’s feeling pretty good
until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining
on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas
pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not
ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him
again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can
do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari,
demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out
and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to
the mangled old man and says, “Oh My God! Is there anything
I can do for you?”

The old man
whispers…”Unhook…my…suspenders…from…your…side-
view……mirror”.

Q. A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
A. Dating children.

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.The doorman at the club greets them and says, ‘Hey Dave, how ya doin?’His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. ‘Oh no,’ says Dave. ‘He’s on my bowling team.’When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ‘You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.”No honey, she’s in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.’A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. ‘Hi Davey,’ she says, ‘Want your usual table dance?’Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.The cabby turns his head and says, ‘Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.’

Nancy was dating her friend Patty’s ex-boyfriend. Said Nancy: “He’s so romantic. Every time he speaks to me he starts with “Fair lady…” Patty says, “Romantic my eye. He used to be a bus driver.”

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three – one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about
the screwing part.

There was a married couple that was in a terrible accident. The woman’s face
was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn’t graft any skin
from her body because she was so thin. The husband then donated some of his
skin.

However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks.
The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a
very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new
beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and
relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty.

She was alone with her husband one day, and she wanted to thank him for what
he did. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
There is no way I could ever repay you.”

The husband replied, “Oh don’t worry, Honey. I get plenty thanks enough every
time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!”

Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams. PMS would be a legitimate defense in court. Men would get reputations for sleeping around. Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.A man would no longer be considered a ”good catch” simply because he is breathingFewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity. ”Ms.” Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.Little girls would read ”Snow White and the Seven Hunks” Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women made. Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.Men would learn phrases like: ”I’m sorry”, ”I love you”, ”You’re beautiful”, ”Of course you don’t look fat in that outfit.”Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking. Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car. All toilet seats would be nailed down. Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute. All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year olds.Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.Missles would have a different look to them