Category: the battle of the sexes

Doctor said the young man lying down on the couch, “you’ve got to help me!
Every night I have the same horrible dream. I’m lying in bed when all of
a sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes.”
The psychiatrist nodded. “And what do you do?”
� I push them away.”
� I, see. What do you want me to do?”
The patient says. “Break my arms.”

What’s the difference between sorority girls and Jell-o?

Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.

One morning while she was making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, ”You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle.” While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, ”You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra.”This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, ”You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardner, the poolman and your brother.

A guy and his wife were speeding down the interstate when a state cop pulls him over. The man says, “What’s the problem officer?

Officer: “You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.”

Man: “No sir, I was going 65.”

Wife: “Oh Harry, you were going 80.” Man gives his wife a dirty look.

Officer: “I will also give you a ticket for your broken tail light.”

Man: “Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light”

Wife: “Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for months.” Man gives his wife a dirty look.

Officer: “I will also give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.”

Man: “Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.”

Wife: “Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.”

Man turns to his wife and yells, “Bitch, shut your damn mouth”

The Officer turns to the woman and says, “Ma’m,does your husband talk to you this way all the time?? Wife says, “No, only when he’s drunk.”

Q. How can you tell if your husband is dead?

A. The sex is the same, but you get the remote.

She had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift.
Aha, thought she, I have that monogrammed silver tray from
my wedding that I never use. I’ll just take it to a silversmith
and have him remove my monogram and put hers on it.
Voila, one cheap wedding present.

So, she took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove
her monogram and put the new one on. The silversmith
took a look at the tray, shook his head and said, “Lady,
this can only be done so many times!”

A local bakery decided to hire a part-time counter person and
ended up with a local co-ed who could work evenings and weekends.

She had one eccentric characteristic (which was unknown when she was hired)
she wore short skirts and no underwear. Needless to say she was a real beauty and
had a figure to die for.

The bakery has a small storefront so it was necessary to
have the various products on shelves and then use a ladder to reach the uppermost
items. The item that had previously been least popular but was fast becoming the most
popular with gentlemen in particular was rasin bread, which was kept on the
uppermost shelf.

One day an elderly gentleman came in and ordered a loaf of bread. The young lady without
thinking scurried up the ladder and then realized she had not asked the
gentleman what kind of bread he had wanted so she nodded and
asked, “Raisin?”

“No, he replied but it is beginning to twitch just a little.”

The other day, while I was seeing my shrink, he asked me what I looked for in a woman. Naturally I replied, “Big tits.”He said, “No, I meant for a serious relationship.”So I said, “Oh, seriously big tits.””No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?” He looked at me kind of worried as I just sat there on his couch laughing until my gut hurt.”Spend the rest of my life with one woman? No woman’s tits are that big.”

1) Foreplay is optional.
2) Michael Bolton doesn’t live in your universe.
3) Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
4) You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
5) You don’t have to clean your apartment if the meter reader’s coming by.
6) You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
7) Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8) You don’t give a rat’s butt if anyone notices your new haircut.
9) You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever thinking
He must be mad at me.
10) The world is your urinal.

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn’t have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket and get some.Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.He kept thinking to himself, ‘Wouldn’t it be great if she would just come down and talk to me?’ He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o’clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed ‘Oh no’ ‘My wife’s dinner party’. He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he’s been all this time.He looked at the snails all down the steps, then looked at her, then back at the snails and said, ‘Come on guys we’re almost there’.

1.i think barry manilow is one cool motherf*****.

2. no, i don’t want another beer. i have to work tomorrow.

3. i think hairy butts are really sexy.

4. her tits are just too big.

5. sometimes i just want to be held.

6. that chick on “murder, she wrote” gives me a woody.

7. sure, i’d love to wear a condom.

8. we haven’t been to the mall for ages, let’s go shopping, and i
can hold your purse.

9. f*** monday night football, let’s watch melrose place.

10. i think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for
directions.

How do you get four sorority girls on one chair?

Tell them there is a rich guy sitting in it.