Category: the battle of the sexes

1) Bachelor parties whom butt over bridle showers.
2) You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
3) You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
4) You needn’t pretend you’re “Freshening up” to go to the bathroom.
5) If you don’t call your buddy when you say you will, he won’t tell your
other friends you’ve changed.
6) Someday you’ll be a dirty old man.
7) You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase “Screw it�.
8) If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might
become lifelong buddies.
9) Princess Di’s death was just another obituary.
10) The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

1) You don’t have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
2) Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
3) You don’t care if someone’s talking about you behind you back.
4) With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth’s population in
15 tries, at least in theory.
5) You don’t mooch off others’ desserts.
6) If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.
7) The remote control is yours and yours alone.
8) People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.
9) ESPN’s Sports Center.
10) You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

The preacher stood before the congregation. ”Brothers and Sisters, I
understand that there have been some he’n and she’n going on. I will not
tolerate fornication in my church. All of those who are guilty, leave my
presence.” So some men and women exited the church. ”Brothers and Sisters, I
also understand that there have been some he’n and he’n goin’ on. Those who are
guilty, leave my presence.” So some embarrased men exited the church.
”Brothers and Sisters, I also understand that there have been some she’n and
she’n going on. Those who are guilty, leave my presence.” So some women got up
and exited the church. The preacher looked around and the only one left in the
church was a little boy sittin’ in the front pew. The
preacher walked up to the boy.
”I would like to commend you for being such an upright, loyal Christian.”
”Hold up now preacher. If you had gotten down to some me’n
and some me’n, I’d have to get up and leave too!”

Q: Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
A: They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don’t work half the
time.

A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She’s not ready yet, so he has
to sit in the living room with her parents. He has a bad case of gas and really
needs to relieve some pressure.

Then, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can
let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did
it.

He farts, and the woman yells, “spot, get down from there�.
The guy thinks, “great, they think the dog did it�. He releases another fart,
and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.
this goes on for a couple more farts.

Finally the woman yells, “dammit spot, get down before he s**** on you�.

Men are like…..Department stores. Their clothes should always be half off.

Editor’s note: And they really, really work! Trust me…———If you were a porch I would take out all the nails and screw you.Can I see the tag on your shirt? I want to see if it is made in heaven.If I said you had a nice body would you hold it againest me?”Do you have a quarter? “*What for?* “I want to call my mom and tell her I met the girl of my dreams.”Do you lay on your stomach at night? Can I?–Grace H.Phx. AZ

Which gift would you like? To determine your personality, pick the gift you’d
most like to receive….

1. Candy
2. Flowers
3. A sweet poem
4. Sex
5. Dinner/Dancing
6. Waffle iron

1. CANDY

It means that… You are a sweet person who enjoys traditional gifts and
hopefully likes to share. OR… You’re a selfish chocoholic who values a sugar
high over everything, even true love.

2. FLOWERS

it means that… You love the beauty of nature, the scent of flowers and
appreciate this timeless romantic gesture. OR… You get some twisted joy out of
watching vegetation wither and die.

3. A SWEET POEM

It means that… You’re a hopeless romantic, a cultured person who recognizes
the power and beauty of the written word. OR… You’re used to cheap gifts and
like to pass yourself off as a cultured person who recognizes the power and
beauty of the written word.

4. SEX

it means that… You are a passionate soul, a free spirit who is not afraid to
express your sexuality with another consenting adult and feel that the physical
side of love can be meaningful and beautiful. OR… You’re a filthy degenerate
who is no better than a rutting animal living solely for one carnal experience
after another.

5. DINNER/DANCING

it means that… You enjoy the company of that special someone and the
romantic setting of fine cuisine and candlelight. OR… You’re easy to please
and probably willing to sell your body for food and a few quick turns around the
dance floor.

6. WAFFLE IRON

it means that… You’re a practical person who believes in gifts that you can
actually use. OR… You have absolutely no idea of what gift giving is all about
and probably have some sort of deviant sexual fetish involving kitchen
appliances.

10. Cats’ facial expressions.

9. The need for the same style of shoe in different colors.

8. Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds.

7. Fat clothes.

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your last time.

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell.

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.

3. Romantic stuff like mushy cards and flowers.

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

And the number one thing only women understand:

1. Other women!!!

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? ONE!!

And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?

Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb.

They don’t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this

house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT.

And once they figured it out they wouldn’t be able to find the

light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD

for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS!

But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the

chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the

STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!

AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID

#)&*!@!! LIGHT BULBS CAME IN.

WHY???

BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!

IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM GARBAGE THROUGHOUT

THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO

CLEAN THIS HOUSE!!!

~~
Personally it sounds like domestic abuse to me, but, hey, I just post them… –Editor

Men are like…Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

In response to the woman who accidentally walked into the men’s restroom:

Please don’t feel bad. It wasn’t you entering the men’s washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It’s rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I’ll make sure I hit something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men’s penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I’m telling ‘ya those little buggers can’t be trusted.

After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I’m no longer allowed to pee like a man – standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don’t usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I’m a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it’s a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It’s the dreaded “morning wood”.

Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can’t get that thing to bend, and if it don’t bend you can’t aim, well hell, if you can’t aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin’ toilet seat won’t stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when you’re newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie.

So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it’s just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her . . . look, it won’t bend. She said, “sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time.” OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with “morning wood”.

Well it’s is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position lying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it’s the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.

It’s not our fault, it’s just Mother Nature.

Now, if it was Father Nature,… there wouldn’t have been a problem!!!