Category: the battle of the sexes

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, “Can I smell your pussy?”

The woman looks at him in disgust and says, “Certainly not!”

“Hmmm,” he replies. “It must be your feet, then.”

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize,
serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate,
stimulate, jiffy lube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify,
protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to,
forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate,
entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige,
fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend,
coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromatize, fuse, fizz, rationalize,
detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept,
butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, loco mote, beg, plead, borrow, steal,
climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain,
calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt,
commit, enlist, pine, cajole, Anglicize, murmur, snuggle, snooze, snuffle,
elevate, enervate, alleviate, spot weld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste,
nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her
existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade,
flip, flop, fly, don’t care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle,
squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rocking’ in
the free world, wet, slacken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble,
drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle,
amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, and start
again.

the fda is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such
as:

13. warning: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.

12. warning: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an
a******.

11. warning: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same
boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

10. warning: consumption of alcohol may cause you to they sings like thish.

9. warning: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are
really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

8. warning: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your pants.

7. warning: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning
and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can’t remember).

6. warning: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug
burns on the forehead.

5. warning: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really big guy named chuck.

4. warning: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

3. warning: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing
with you.

2. warning: consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space
continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to
disappear.

1. warning: consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.

Yo mama so ugly, when she was in labor the doctor asked which end!

Good: Your children are sexually active.
Bad: With each other
Worse: And your wife.
Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: Getting arrested.
Worse: By your husband

Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: The techer is a he.

Good: You go home for a quickie.
Bad: you get caught by your wife
Worse: You’re with her sister.

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front of the plane. “I’m too young to die!” she wails. Then she yells, “Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I’ve had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??”

For a moment there is silence. everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. “I can make you feel like a woman,” he says. He’s gorgeous! Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:
“Iron this.”

Why do doctors slap babies’ butts right after they’re born?To knock the penises off the smart ones.What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?The man.Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?When it’s time to go back to childhood, he’s already there.Why are men like commercials?You can’t believe a word they say.Why are men like blenders?You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.Why are women so bad at mathematics?Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.What’s a man’s definition of a romantic evening?Sex.What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?When the power goes off.What do men and women have in common?They both distrust men.How can you tell the difference between men’s real gifts and their guilt gifts?Guilt gifts are nicer.What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?His wife is good at picking out clothes.How is a man like the weather?Nothing can be done to change either one of them.What is the difference between a man and childbirth?One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.What do men dream of?Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?Slow.What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?They’re married.Why don’t men often show their true feelings?Because they don’t have any.Why do men have a hole in their penis?So oxygen can get to their brains.What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?Castrated.What’s the difference between government bonds and men?Bonds mature.What’s the difference between a man and E.T.?E.T. phoned home.Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?So men can remember them.

Most sophisticated women realize that any man who knows more than three
lovemaking positions have to be rated an imaginative lover.

A woman is resting after giving birth to her baby. The doctor comes in to her room, and he says, “I have something to tell you about your baby.”The woman sits up in bed and says, “What’s wrong with my baby, Doctor? What’s wrong?”The doctor says, “Well now, nothing’s wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite.”The woman says, “A hermaphrodite…. what’s that?”The doctor says, “Well, it means your baby has the… er… features…of a male and a female.”The woman turns pale. She says, “Oh my god! You mean it has a penis, and… a brain?!”

Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?

Because they don’t have any balls to rub.

A somewhat drunk man feels a bald man’s head
and says, “Say, your head feels just like my
wife’s ass.”

The bald man feels his own head
and says with a grin, “You know, you’re right!”

An Erie, Pennsylvania executive with a new young wife and a yen for golf
decided about December one year that he couldn’t take it any longer. So he
said to his wife one evening, “Honey, next Friday we’re going to Hilton Head
for the weekend. We’ll get a condo on the golf course and I’m going to play
golf all weekend.”

“That sounds fine,” she purred. And, sure enough, next Saturday morning at 6
a.m., found him on the golf course, all alone. After playing two holes, he
noticed a man carrying a golf bag walking toward him across a fairway. The
exec. waited, and the other man arrived, saying, “Mind if I play along?”

The exec. said, “Fine. Glad to have the company.”

All went well for a couple of holes, until each approached the sixth green.
When the new fellow laid down his clubs, the cover came off one club. The
exec. noticed, however, that it wasn’t a club at all. It was a high powered
rifle.

“Whoa,” he said. “That’s a high powered rifle!”

“Look,” said the other man. “I’m not out to cause any trouble. If you want me
to leave, I will. No hard feelings.”

“No. No,” said the exec. “I’m just curious as to why you have a high-powered
rifle in your bag.”

The other man pondered for a moment and then said, “Well, I’ll tell you. It’s
my business. It’s what I do for a living.”

“Wow,” said the other. “I’ve heard about guys like you, but I’ve never met one
before.”

“Still want me to play?” said the other.

“Sure,” said the Erie exec. “As a matter of fact, you know, I do a little
hunting. Would you mind if I look at it?”

The other man showed him the rifle. It was beautiful–an inlaid Weatherby with
a huge powerful scope mounted on it.

The exec. picked it up, looked through the scope, and said, “Gee, I can see the
window of my condo with this thing. Matter of fact, there’s my wife.” He
lowered the gun for a moment and said, “she doesn’t have any clothes on.” He
looked through the scope again. “Damn, there’s a guy with her.”

The Erie exec. lowered the rifle and looked at the other man. “How much do you
charge?”

“$10,000 a bullet,” said the man.

The Erie man thought for a moment, and said, “Do it.”

“Which one?” said the hit man.

“Both,” said the exec.

“That’s $20,000, you know.”

“I don’t care. hit ’em both.”

The hit man took two cartridges from his bag and loaded the rifle. “Where do
you want me to get the man?” he asked.

“You know where to hit him,” said the exec.

“How about the woman?”

“In the mouth. She’s always flapping her gums anyway.”

“Ok,” said the hit man as he raised the rifle. Taking careful aim, he clicked
off the safety, but then he paused and chuckled. “Mister,” he said, “I think
I’m going to be able to save you ten thousand dollars.”