Category: the battle of the sexes

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex, the husband put his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night, while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the bank to the floor where it smashed. To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there were handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife what’s up. ”Well,” she replied, ”not everyone is as cheap as you are.”

A man called into a local radio station and told the ‘morning guys’ that his wife had given him an ultimatum: until he quit smoking, he wasn’t going to get any sex. They asked him, ‘How long do you think you’ll be able to hold out?’ Reply: ‘Until my girlfriend dies.’

Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. the wife
cooked up the deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children. the
husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they
were eating.

“is beef?” the daughter katie asked.
“nope.”
“is it pork?” the son willie asked.
� nope.”
� heck, we don’t know, dad!” willie exclaimed.

“i’ll give you a clue,” the dad said, “it’s what your mom sometimes calls
me.”

� spit it out, willie!” cried katie, “we’re eating a******!!”

Men are like…Mini Skirts. If you’re not careful, they’ll creep up your
legs.

He said…What a quickie?
She said…As opposed to what?

He said…I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said…You wear briefs, don’t you?

He said…Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said…Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the
money.

He said…If only you could learn to make me a proper meal, then we
could manage without the cook. And if you cleaned the house, we could fire the
maid as well.
She said…Darling, if you could only learn to satisfy me properly, we could
do without the gardener too.

He said…two inches more and I would be the king.
She said…two inches less and you’d be the queen.

He said…Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with
your brains?
She said…Because there is a bigger chances that a man is a Moran than he is
blind.

He said…Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.
She said…Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said…Why don’t you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said…I would, but you’re never there.

He said…Every time women look at me, they can’t help thinking of sex.
She said…Yeah, ’cause you look like a prick.

He said…Shall we try a different position tonight?
She said…That�s good idea…you stand by the ironing board, while I sit on
the sofa and fart.

Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend Joe sitting on a stool.”Joe,” Bill said, “I’m glad to see that your wife finally let you out of the house.””Things have been different with my wife,” Joe said. “In fact, just the other day, I decided to show her who was the boss.””How did you do that?” asked Bill.”I simply said to her, ‘Mabel, we are going to have it out right now, and I am going to show you who the boss is in this relationship’.””What happened?””Well, I don’t want to brag, but I managed to get her on her hands and knees.””How did you do that?””I was hiding under the bed at the time.”

Q. How is a man like a used car?
A. Both are easy to get, cheap and unreliable.

Things That Sound Dirty at Thanksgiving but Aren’t

1. Reach in and grab the giblets.
2. Whew, that’s one terrific spread!
3. I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.
4. Tying the legs together will keep the insides moist.
5. Talk about a huge breast!
6. “…and he forced his way into the end zone…”
7. She’s 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her
   down.
8. It’s Cool Whip time!!!!
9. If I don’t unbuckle my pants, I’m going to burst!
10. It must be broken, cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts
    out!
11. “All I want is stuffin’!”

A guy was stranded on a desert island with Cindy Crawford. He played it
cool, and he didn’t make any moves towards her for several weeks. Finally,
one day he asked her if maybe they could start up a physical relationship,
so as to attend to each other’s needs. Cindy said she was game and a very
vigorous sexual relationship began.

Everything was great for about 4 months. One day, the guy went to Cindy
and said, “I’m having this problem. It’s kind of a guy thing, but I need
to ask you a favor.”

Cindy said, “Okay.”

The guy said, “Can I borrow your eyebrow pencil?”

Cindy looked at him a little funny, but said, “Sure, you can borrow my
eyebrow pencil.”

The guy then said, “Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a
moustache on you?”

Cindy is getting a little worried, but says, “Okay.”

Then the guy said, “Can you wear some of my guy clothing, I need for you to
look more like a man.”

Cindy is getting a little disappointed at this point, but says, “Well I
guess so.”

Then the guy says to Cindy, “Do you mind if I call you Fred?”

Cindy, very dejected, says, “I guess not.”

So, the guy reaches out and grabs Cindy by the arms and says, “Fred, you
won’t believe who I’ve been sleeping with these past four months!”

Time: Early Sixties. Place: Yourtown, USA

A young unmarried couple decides after a few dates that
they are going to sleep together. So, the guy, Tom, goes to
the local pharmacy to buy some condoms.

Tom goes up to the pharmacy counter and asks the
pharmacist for some Trojans, (just like the kid in Summer of
’42). The pharmacist looks at Tom disgustedly and says,
“What’s wrong with you kids today, ya go on two dates and you
wanna go to bed with each other. Why can’t ya save sex for
when ya get married. You should wait until you’re married!
Sex before marriage is a sin ya know.”

Well Tom calmed down the pharmacist and explained that
his generation was a little different. He said that he and
his girlfriend were just trying to act responsibly and take
precautions against pregnancy and disease. The pharmacist
conceded that times were changing and finally sold him the
condoms.

That same night Tom was invited over to his girlfriend
Katey’s house for dinner with the family. When they all sat
down, Tom asked Katey’s father if he could say grace. Her
father said yes and Tom proceded to say a beautiful eleven
minute grace thanking everyone from the Pilgrims to the
President for the meal they were about to eat.

After dinner Katey took Tom aside and smiling, said,
“Tom, you never told me you were so religious!” Tom smiled
back and said, “Well, Katey, you never told me you father was
a pharmacist.”

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He
picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said, ‘OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, and blah. This
is the fourth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes, so
you can forget about three. You only get one wish.’

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, ‘I’ve always wanted to
go to Hawaii but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a
bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?’

The genie laughed and said, ‘That’s impossible. Think of the logistics of
that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how
much concrete… how much steel! No, think of another wish.’

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said,
‘I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t
care and that I’m insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women… know
how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent
treatment… know why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say
“nothing”… know how to make them truly happy. .’

The genie said, ‘You want that bridge two lanes or four?’

There were these 3 guys on a fishing trip in the ocean. They meet up with a mermaid who jumps up on their ship and grants them each a wish. The first guy is a little suspicious so he says, “Double my IQ. by one more time.” Pow. The guy starts reciting Shakespeare. The others are amazed and another asks, “Will you please triple mine?” Zowie. Then he starts spitting out answers that have stumped Mathematicians and other people for years. Then the last guy wants to be really smart so he tells her to make his I.Q. larger by doubling it 7 times. She says,” Gee I don’t know. Cant you wish for like peace or a million dollars or a Porsche ar something else?” “No. You fixed them up. Why cant you do me?”She then says,” O.k. Boom” Then the guy turns into a woman!!!!!!!!!contributed by Angela Emmert 12 years.