Category: the battle of the sexes

Woman: ‘This place is a mess! C’mon, you and I need to clean up, your stuff is lying on the floor and you’ll have no clothes to wear if we don’t do laundry right now!’ What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C’MON YOU AND I blah, blah, blah blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES, blah blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!

Q: What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Top 5 Reasons Why Computers are Female

5. Nobody but their creator understands their logic.

4. Even the smallest mistakes are commited to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with
   other computers is incomprehensible to everyone
   else.

2. The message “Bad command or filename” is about
   as informative as “if you don’t know why I am
   mad at you, then I certainly won’t tell you.”

1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you
   find yourself spending half your paycheck
   on accessories for it/her.

She: What do you love most, my natural beauty or my body?

He: Your sense of humor.

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror.He asks, “What are you doing?”She replies, “I went to the doctor today, and he told me that I have the breasts of a 25 year old.”The husband retorts, “Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?”She replies, “Frankly dear, your name never came up.”

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.” He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says: “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?” The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes.” The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, “I thought we had a deal.” The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, “She made me a much better offer.”

Q: How is a man like the weather?
A: Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes
home. One day she picked up the urn he was in, and poured him out on the coffee
table.

Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes.
She said, “You know that fur coat you promised me, Irving?” She answered by
saying, “I bought it with the insurance money!”

She then said, “Irving, remember that new car you promised me?” She answered
again saying, “Well, I bought it with the insurance money!”

Then she said, “And remember the big beautiful house that sits at the top of
the hill that I fell in love with and you said we couldn’t afford?” Once more
she answered saying, “Well I bought that too with the insurance money and I love
living here�.

Still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, “Irving, remember that blow
job I promised you? Here it comes …”

There was a man who woke up one morning with a red ring around his member. Astonished he panicked and hurried to the emergency room.

The Doctor looked at it and gave the man some lotion to rub on it twice a day, if no results come back tomorrow. This went on for three days when a new nurse happened to be in the same ER. She asked if she could suggest something. The Dr. at his wit’s end because he wasn’t able to cure the problem, agreed to let the nurse try her hand.

The nurse gave the man a smelly lotion and said rub it very gently on his member before he when to bed. The man went home and followed her instructions.

The very next day came back happy as a lark! He found the nurse and Doctor and thanked them for all they’re help.

As the man left, the Dr. turned to the nurse and asked what was the miracle lotion?

The nurse smiled and replied, “Lip stick remover.”

I know I haven’t known you very long and I shouldn’t be asking you for this so
soon, but I really need it badly. I haven’t had it for a while and I can already
feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft. If you would do
this for me no one would ever know. I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I’d
be very grateful if you would. I am very desperate and I need your help. You
must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping
around it and sucking out all the juices until it’s very dry. I am not going to
beat around the bush any longer so…

Do you have a piece of gum?

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib.
Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping
infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt,
delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with
eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.

“A penny for your thoughts,” she said.

“It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib
like that for only $46.50.”

Why is a sorority girl like a doorknob?

Cause everybody gets a turn.