Category: the battle of the sexes

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.””Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable ass!” she screamed.”Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”

Mrs. Grednik, who was a little on the chubby side, was at her weight-watchers meeting.”My husband insists I come to these meetings because he would rather screw a woman with a trim figure.” she lamented to the woman next to her. “Well,” the lady replied, “what’s wrong with that?””He likes to do it while I’m stuck at these damn meetings”

Guys suck…… and let me tell you why.
farting – how come it’s cool for you to do it and disgusting if we do it. and
must you lift your leg?
jock itch – get help! do you see us scratch? we don’t want to see you scratch
either. porno�s – why do you want to see other guys getting what you can’t. by
the way, it’s not good for our skin.
pick up lines – not!
double standards – if you can do it, why the hell can’t we?
honesty – learn the concept. it is a good thing.
sensitivity – get some!!!!
deodorant – it’s only small change at the corner store. buy it.
locker rooms – hello…..air freshener.
heads – we know you have two. keep one in your pants and get the other out of
your ass.
you can’t beat up everyone who looks at us.
you are not the s***, – i am!
being drunk is not an excuse to sleep with any thing on legs.
believe me, sex is not number one and you are not number one at it.
why must you tell all of your friends about everything you do with a girl?
they all had the same dream last night anyway.
do not blame everything we do on p.m.s. you should be glad we’re not pregnant.

try matching your maturity level to your age.
we are not objects. we have feelings, thoughts, and ideas. we can even form
words like “f*** you!!!”
there is more to life than playing cards and video games – how old are you??
why do we have to look good and you can look like s***?
can we go out in public? your room does not excite me.
can we eat like humans – utensils were made especially for this purpose. ever
heard of knives, forks, and spoons? how about napkins? (this does not include
shirtsleeves.)
wake up call! – wasting a ton of money on tuition every year to get drunk, get
laid, and play sports is f****** retarded. if you’re interested, become a
professional athlete and at least get paid for it.
i am not putting myself through school to carry your sorry, lazy ass through
life.
birthdays – if you can remember the size of your cock to the exact millimeter,
then you can remember our birthday.
what is the deal with standing in front of your mirror – naked – and thinking
“oh, what a god.” trust me you are not a god.
rulers were not invented to measure your genitalia – they were not made that
small. why measure it anyway? there will always be someone bigger and believe
me, we can find him.
romance is not three seconds of sweat and nothing and then rolling over and
going to sleep.
the one thing you are good for, you are not good at!
no, we will not swallow!!!
it feels so good to take it in the ass. not!! try it yourself, see if you like
it.
remember meg ryan’s famous ‘faking an orgasm scene’? sound familiar?
when we say we’re lost without you, we’re probably high.
tightly whiteys – got to go. (break it to your mother slowly)
when you buy a playboy be sure to pick us up a playgirl.
when you screw up, a rose would suffice, but if it’s not too much trouble, a
dozen would be nice.
wandering eyes – we know you look. try not to make it so obvious.
get a clue! – when we say “harder!, faster!” we’re not referring to your
breathing pattern.
hey big foot – nice try. we’ve figured it out by now that your foot size
doesn’t equal your dick size. you should
motto’s you should adopt – “a stick of dynamite with a short fuse�,� when you
pump up the jack it gets lost in the crack”, “big eaters have small peters��,
for him… a rare moment, for her. this month’s rent”.

CHOCOLATEChocolate is God’s way of reminding men how inadequate they are. I am vividly confronted with this fact every time my wife and I go out to a restaurant. When it gets to dessert, my wife usually orders the most chocolate-saturated dessert possible: It’s the one called ‘Unstoppable Double-Fudge Chocolate Mudslide Explosion’ or some such thing.I always wonder why anyone would want to eat anything that promises a catastrophic natural disaster in your mouth.The dark brown monstrosity arrives at the table, and my wife takes the first bite. Before the fork is even removed from her mouth, a small moan escapes her lips. Her eyes, previously perfectly aligned, first cross slightly and then faze completely, pupils dilating in pure chocolate pleasure before the eyelids clamp down in ecstasy. The hand not holding the fork clenches into a fist and starts pounding the table. The silverware rattles.After about six minutes of this, she finally manages to swallow the bite, realign her eyes, and take the next shuttle back from whatever transcendental plane she’s been visiting. Slowly, her sphere of consciousness expands to include me, her husband, her life-long mate, her presumed partner in all things ecstatic.’Hey, this is pretty good,’ she’ll say. ‘You want some?’No, I don’t. I want nothing to do with an object that does to my wife in one bite what I’ve worked for an entire relationship to achieve. It wouldn’t do any good, anyway. Men just don’t have the same relationship with chocolate that women do. It’s not even close. I wandered around the office today and asked men – ‘Chocolate. Your thoughts?’ – and the result was always the same. First, a confused look as to why they’re being asked about something so trivial, and then some lame, obvious statement: ‘Uuh… it’s brown?’Ask women the same question, and you get responses like ‘The ONLY food group,’ ‘ESSENTIAL to life as we know it,’ and the ultimate casual swipe at every member of the Y-chromosome brigade, ‘Better than sex.’ Ouch. Some women will try to make up for that last one by quickly adding that chocolate is supposed to be an aphrodisiac. Uh-huh. Chocolate certainly increases desire; problem is the desire is usually for more chocolate. The best a guy can do is buy a box of chocolates and hope he’ll be considered somewhere between the cherry truffle and the strawberry nougat.Don’t get me wrong. Guys like chocolate just fine; it’s just not essential to life as we know it. Respiration is essential to life as we know it; chocolate is simply one of those nice little bonuses you get. We won’t usually pass it up if it’s offered, but I don’t know too many guys who would get substantially worked up if it were to suddenly disappear from the face of the earth (ironic in a way, as back in the days of the Aztecs, only men were allowed to have the stuff). When I eat a chocolate dessert, I enjoy it, yes. My world view doesn’t narrow to include only the plate that it’s on.Maybe we’re missing something. On the other hand, we don’t have to pick up our silverware from the floor after we’re done with our tiramisu.Life is about trade-offs like that. All I know is that come Valentine’s Day, chocolate will be among the things I offer my wife. I can’t truly appreciate it, but I can truly appreciate what it does for her. Which is close enough.

There are 3 stages of sex after marriage. The first stage is the
“Anywhere” stage, when you’ll do it anywhere – the kitchen table, the
shower, on top of the washing machine during the spin cycle.

The second stage is the “Bedroom” stage, when you’ll only do it in the
bedroom with the lights turned out.

The third stage is the “Hallway” stage, when you pass each other in the
hallway and say “Screw you!”

Men are like…High Heels. They’re easy to walk on once you get the hang of
it.

A cowboy walks out of a bar and a second later
comes back in, mighty mad. “Okay,” he growls. “Now
which one of you hombres went outside a painted
my horse bright red while I was drinking”?

Nobody answers, and the cowpoke draws his six
shooter and yells, “I said which one of you mangy
polecats painted my horse red?

Slowly one of the cowboys at the bar stands up.
He is 6 feet, 10 inches tall, and he pulls a
small cannon from his holster. “I done it”, he growls.

The first cowboy puts his gun back into his holster
and says, “Just wanted to let you know the first coat’s
dry�.

Q. Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment
for their call. Who are these women?
A. Women working at 900 numbers.

One day a woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she’s wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, “Where did you get that necklace?”She replies, “I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper.”The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, “Where did you get the bracelet?”She replies, “I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper.”The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, “I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?”She replies, “Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper.”Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, “HEY! There’s only an inch of water in the tub!”He replies, “I didn’t want you to get your raffle ticket wet!”

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Yo moma amd dady so fat in high school the teacher told them to take 3 seats because of they fatness they so fat they set next to everybody.

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed one night, and he asks, “Honey, do you want to have sex tonight?” “No,” she replies. “Is that your final answer?” “Yes,” she says, “that’s my final answer.” The husband thinks carefully for a moment, then asks, “May I phone a friend?”