Category: the battle of the sexes

1) You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover’s about to
leave you.
2) You get to jump up and slap stuff.
3) Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
4) One mood, all the time
5) You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
6) You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one’s just
too seedy.
7) You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
8) You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you’re wearing.
9) Same work…more pay!
10) Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

If you want a nice man go for a bald one. They try harder.

1.No we can’t be friends, i just want you for sex.
2.The dress doesn’t make you look fat, it�s all that f****** ice cream and
chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.
3.You’ve got no chance of me calling you.
4.No, i won’t be gentle.
5.Of course you have to swallow.
6.Well yes actually, i do this all the time.
7.I hate your f****** friends.
8.I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you
after tonight.
9.I’d rather watch a porno.
10.Eat it??? it took me ten pints to get up the courage to f***.

The wealthy wife of a very successful Jewish businessman went to the portrait artist for her first sitting. The portrait, a gift for her husband. She explained to the artist what she wanted: “You should paint me like I am. These little wrinkles, you put them on your canvas. The lines under my eyes, the flab on my arms, the turn in my nose, and the mole on my cheek, they all stay….BUT on my hands you put lots of rings with big diamonds and emeralds and bright jewels. Around my neck you put chains of gold and diamonds. Do you understand?”

The artist looked at her in earnest and asked why she should want such detail of real life in her physical appearance, but adorn herself with the phony jewelry.

She replied: “When I die my husband will re-marry. The new wife, she should go crazy looking for the jewels”.

Actual personal ads from actual newspapers: I like driving around with my two cats, especially on the freeway. I make them wear little hats so that I can use the carpool lane. Way too much time on your hands too? Call me. SWF, 42, 5’10”, brown/blue. I want a man with a BIG heart, BIG hands, BIG feet, who is ready to enjoy BIG aspects of a playful woman. Fat, flatulent, over-40, cigar-smoking redneck seeks sexy woman with big hair to cook, clean and pick up unemployment checks.

Q: What’s easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?
A: A snowwoman is easier to make, because with a snowman you have to hollow
out the head and use all that extra snow to make its testicles.

A young girl is sitting in a barber shop with her mother, eating a Twinkie,
and anxiously awaiting her first hair cut. When her turn comes, she brings her
Twinkie with her to the chair, and the barber covers her. Soon, she pulls the
Twinkie out for a bite.

� You’re getting hair on your Twinkie,” the barber playfully warns.

“Yes, I know,” replies the girl. “And I’m getting boobs, too.”

As it gets older, the differential starts slipping, and the U-joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad.The transmission won’t go into high gear and sometimes has difficulty getting out of low. Overdrive is out of the question!The cylinders get worn and lose compression, making it hard to climb the slightest incline. When it is climbing, the tappets clatter and ping to the point where one wonders if the old bus will make it to the top.The carburetor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter, making it hard to get started in the morning. His gas fumes can kill ya!It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose.His frame has a big bow in the middle too. The thermostat goesout, making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The headlights grow dim, and the battery needs constant recharging.His shifter is stuck in the down position which is the ‘low position’ and ya can’t get any where that way.But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished, giving the impression it can compete with newer models and make one more trip down the primrose lane before the head gasket blows.Gentlemen…start your engines!

Q: Why are men like commercials?
A: You can’t believe a word they say.

Maurie was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was. “It’s the wife” said Maurie. “As you know, she’s taken up golf, and since she’s been playing, she’s cut my sex down to once a week.” “Well you should think yourself lucky,” said his partner. “She’s cut some of us out altogether!”

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed… driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, ”What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!” The guy answers, ”My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.” ”Give me a break! You don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here.”

Billy Bob and Vern talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Vern, “Yaw know,
I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m going to do it a
little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go and
all.”

� Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and
Pauline got pregnant.

� Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Pauline got
pregnant again.

� Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Pauline didn’t get pregnant
again.”

Vern asks Billy Bob, “So, what you going to do this year that’s
different?”

Billy Bob says, “This year I’m taking Pauline with me.”