Category: the battle of the sexes

10. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They’ll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on, but nobody’s home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.

MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out. HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken- scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their ‘i’s’ with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their’p’s’ and ‘g’s’. It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she’s dumping you, she’ll put a smiley face at the end of the note. BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom — a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from a Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. RESTROOMS Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, ‘Hey Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me? CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats. OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. SEX: Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay. DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings and funerals. LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants , before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul, and take his mountain of clothes to the aundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of ‘Love, American Style.’ WEDDINGS: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about ‘the ceremony.’ Men talk about ‘the bachelor party.’ MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction — he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche. THE TELEPHONE: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same frind and they will talk for three hours. RICHARD GERE: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women. MADONNA: Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.PLANTS: A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens. CAMERAS: Men take photography very seriously. They’ll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures. LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don’t know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room — sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie. GUNS: Women dislike guns because they make noise and smell bad. They also suspect a certain phallic symbolism. A man likes guns for the same reason he likes TV remote controls: they make something interesting happen some distance from where he is. Protecting or feeding the family is really secondary.GARAGES: Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages. MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him. TIME: When a woman says she’ll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she’s using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game’s just got five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays

One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. “I’ve got some good news and some bad news”, God said. Adam looked at God and said, “Well, give me the good news first.” Smiling, God explained, “I’ve got two new organs for you.One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children.”Adam, very excited, exclaimed, “These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?”God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, “The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time.”

Wot have toilets and anniversaries got in common?Men miss them both!

Q. How are men like noodles?
A. They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee
and slapped him on the back of the head. “I found a piece of paper in your pants
pocket with the name ‘Mary Lou’ written on it,” she said, furious. “You had
better have an explanation.”

� Calm down, honey�, the man replied. “Remember last week when I was at the
dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on.”

The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.

� What was that for?” he complained.

� Your dog called last night.”

Support Women’s Lib –
make him sleep on the wet patch.

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect
courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course,
perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were driving
their perfect car (a Grand Caravan of course) along a winding road, when they
noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple,
they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint
any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his
toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving
conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the first
place. Everyone knows there are no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect
man.

****Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep
scrolling****.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect
woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you’re a woman and you’re reading this (most of you are), this
illustrates another point: women never listen.

Men are like…..Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:

a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you’ve both shared:

a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:

a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don’t miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you’ve just had sex with is:

a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she’s gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:

a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem – she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate

7. You think today’s sensitive, caring man is:

a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

a) “I hope we can still be friends.”
b) “I’m not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone….”
c) “Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You.”

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn’t have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big tits.

In high school, I dated a girl with big tits, but there was no passion.

So I decided I needed a passionate girl.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.

Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a
girl with some stability.

I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about
anything.

So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one
thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I
decided to find a girl with some ambition.

After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her.

She was so ambitious; she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now all I want is a girl with big tits.

There were these three men who were walking on a bridge.
They found a magic lamp and they all received one wish each.
The genie in the lamp said that when the make there wish, they must jump
Off the bridge and they will receive their wish. The first man wished to
Be turned into a bird. He jumped off the bridge and turned into a beautiful
parrot.
The second man wished to be a blade of grass. He jumped off the bridge
and fell to the ground
As a blade of grass. As the third man was stepping up to the edge of the
bridge to make his wish,
He tripped over a rock and screamed, ” s***!”
And as he fell to the ground, he was turned into a pile of s***.