Category: relationships

Classical situation. The wife in bed with a fatigue lover, husband rushes
unexpectedly. The wife shouts to the lover:
– Dear! Prove to him that you’re a real man!
Lover:
– WHAT?! And to him too?

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
“You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home.”

“Why?” asked somebody from the audience.

“I watched my wife’s routine at dinner for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

One day I told her, ‘Honey, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?’

“Did it save time?” the guy in the audience asked.

“Actually, yes,” replied the expert. “It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.
Now I do it in ten…”

Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

(1) Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).

(2) Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

(3) Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.

(4) Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

(5) Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman’s finger and two under the man’s eyes.

(6) Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

(7) Marriage is not just a having a wife but also worries inherited forever.

(8) Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of “RINGS”: The Engagement Ring, The Wedding Ring, The Suffe-Ring, The Endu-Ring

(9) Married life is full of excitement and frustration: (a) In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. (b) In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. (c) In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBOURS listen.

(10) It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

(11) Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

(12) It’s true that all men are born free and equal – but some of them get MARRIED!

(13) There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

(14) A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

(15) Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don’t know son, I’m still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

(16) There was a man who said, “I never knew what happiness was until I got married…. and then it was too late!”

(17) Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

(18) They say that when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defence.

(19) When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

(20) There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.

There was a young woman who lived with her grandmother. One night the
granddaughter came bouncing down the stairs dressed to go out to a party wearing
a see through blouse without a bra. Her grandmother told her to go back up
stairs and “dress decent.”
The young woman said, “No, I want to show off my rosebuds” and went out the
door.
The next day the granddaughter came outside to find her grandmother on the
porch wearing the see through blouse without a bra.
“Grandmother!! What are you doing? My boyfriend and a couple of other friends
are coming over any time now!” she cried. “Please go change your blouse, I’m so
embarrassed!!”
The older woman replied, “Well if you can show off your rosebuds then I can
show off my hanging baskets.”

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.

The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, “Shut up…you’re next!”

A young married woman was once in a terrible accident, and though her life was not in danger, the skin of her face was severely burned.

The doctor told her husband that they would have to do a skin graft, but they could not graft any skin from her own body because she was too thin and her skin was dry.

So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed to the graft, and that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, and the woman healed, everyone was astounded at her beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before with her lovely, soft skin.

All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her new youthful beauty! One night, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, �Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.�

�My darling,� he replied, �I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek!�

Submitted by sai1ram
Edited by Calamjo, Curtis and Tantilazing

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the Desk Sergeant.

“No, no, no!” said the man.
“I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when your horse drops dead.

A couple gets married, and thirty years later they’re in the same hotel, in the same room. She takes off all her clothes, lies back on the bed, and spreads her legs.Her husband starts to cry.She says, “What’s the matter?”He says, “Thirty years ago I couldn’t wait to eat it. Now it looks like it can’t wait to eat me.”

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl’s old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

“On a woman,” the doctor said, “your heart would be just below your left breast.”

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

A man has three daughters. one daughter comes up to him daddy why did you name me daisey. he replies because when you were born I say a daisey. The second daughter comes up to him daddy why did you name tulip. The father replies” sweety I named you tulip because when you were born I saw a tulip.” Finally the third daughter comes up daddy wy yo nme em. The father spoke up ” Shut up cinder block”