Category: relationships

Mother: Fred, why did you put a slug in your aunt’s bed?
Fred: Because I couldn’t find a snake.

A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:

“Yes, mother, I’ve had a hard day. Colleen has been most difficult – I know

I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is.”

“Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile

creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry

her.”

“You were perfectly right.”

“You want to speak with her? All right.”

He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:

“Colleen, your mother wants to talk to you!”

A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.
So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes
into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees
a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple
of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her
apartment. After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and
says, “Oh no, its so late, my wife’s going to kill me. Have you
got any talcum powder?” She gives him some talcum powder, which
he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty
pissed. “Where the hell have you been?!”

“Well, honey, it’s like this. I went to the store like you
asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the
vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had
a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed
with her.”

“Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!”

She sees his hands are covered with powder and… “You God damn
liar!!! You went bowling again!!!”

A guy and his fiance-to-be are in the zoo. Suddenly a big hairy orangutan
breaks loose from his cage and runs toward the couple. The guy flees and climbs
on the nearby tree. The girl is pleading to him:
– Save me! He is going to rape me!
– Now you tell *him*, today you don’t want to, today you are on your
period…

1. “Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs
forty pounds.”

2. “Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Pamela Lee
had a baby!”

3. “I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby
forever!”

4. “Well, couldn’t they induce labor? The 25th is the Super
Bowl.”

5. “Damn if you ain’t about five pounds away from a surprise
visit from that Richard Simmons fella.”

6. “Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy,
that’s gotta hurt!”

7. “Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to
Willard Scott!”

8. “I’m jealous! Why can’t men experience the joy of
childbirth?”

9. “Are your ankles supposed to look like that?”

10. “Get your *own* ice cream, Buddha!”

11. “Geez, you’re awfully puffy looking today.”

12. “Got milk?”

13. “Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.”

14. “Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of
Madagascar!”

15. “Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water.”

16. “You don’t have the guts to pull the trigger, Lardass.”

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.

The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

“Yes, we’re fine. We’re living on the fruits of love.”

The old man replied, “I thought so … would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window?
They’re choking my ducks!”

What does SWM stand for in a personal column advertisement?

Sneaking While Married

1. The first kind is smurf sex. This happens during the
honeymoon period: you both keep doing it until you’re blue in
the face.

2. The second kind is kitchen sex. This at the begining of the
marriage; you’ll have anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3. The third kind is bedroom sex. You’ve calmed down a bit,
perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bed room.

4. The fourth kind is hallway sex. This is the phase where you
pass each other in the hallway an say, “Fuck you!”

5. The fifth kind of sex: courtroom sex. This is when you get
divorced and your wife or husband screws you in front of
everyone in the courtroom.

To celebrate their 50th anniversary a couple booked a weekend at Pebble Beach golf resort. On the third tee, the husband said:

‘Honey, I have to confess something. Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope that you can forgive me.

The wife was hurt but said, ‘My dearest, those days are long gone. What we have is far more valuable. I forgive you.’ They embraced and kissed.

On the seventeenth tee the wife said to her husband: ‘Honey, since we’re being honest I have something to tell you. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change. I was a man before we met.

The husband went into a fit! He cursed, threw his driver into the water, broke his clubs one by one and tore at his clothes as he screamed and ranted. ‘You liar, you despicable liar! How could you? I trusted you! And to think that you’ve been hitting off the red tees all this time!’

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
— Henny Youngman

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.
— Ann Bancroft

Any husband who says. “My wife and I are completely equal partners,” is talking about either a law firm or a hand of
bridge. — Bill Cosby

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
— Rita Rudner

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
— Benjamin Franklin

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

— Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
— Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
— Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
— George Burns

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds. — Cindy Garner

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking.
— Elaine Boosler

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, “There was water in the carburetor.” I said, “Where’s the car?” She said, “In the lake.”
— Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
— Phyllis Diller

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
— Rita Rudner

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
— Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
— Erma Bombeck

A man called his wife from work one Friday afternoon and told
her to pack his bags for a fishing trip. He told her that he and
some guys from work were going fishing for the weekend. “Pack
some clothes, get out my fishing poles and tackle box, and don’t
forget my blue silk pajamas,” he explained to her. The wife
agreed and when he got home he picked up his stuff and said
goodbye.

Sunday night the man returned home and his wife asked, “How was
your fishing trip?” The man responded, “It was great but you
forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas!” “No I didn’t,” she
replied, “I put them in your tackle box!”

Don’t marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.