Category: relationships

A man and his wife had six children and the man was very proud of that. He
would boast and brag in any way possible about his six little children. He
even got so happy about it, he sometimes called his wife “Mother of Six,”
much to her dismay.

One night they were at a dinner party and the man thought that it was time
to go and wanted to know if his wife agreed. “Are you ready to go, Mother
of Six?” he screamed over the crowd. His wife, extreamly pissed off,
answered, “Any time you’re ready, Father of Four!”

Not only is she a little young, but you’re sure that you used to date
her mother.

…You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little
league with her.

…She has a thicker moustache than you.

…When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions.

…You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation of her parole.

…Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system.

…You are the first guy that she’s gone out with that isn’t her cousin.

…At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic.

…She beats up some guy for making fun of your hair cut.

…You wake up the next morning with a wicked hang-over. In the bed next to you is Janet Reno.

…At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house, and her pimp is waiting there with your bill.

…She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet satan.

…She constantly complains that her cat won’t stop laughing at her.

…She informs you that you can’t go out again because her spirit guide doesn’t like you.

…She informs you that you can’t go out again because her boyfriend doesn’t like you.

Marriage is a rest period between romances.

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He’d toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the
middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he
turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing
it in deeper. He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours
of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home
with her date. After being informed of the problem, their
daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two
fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. When the
father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped
and yelled for joy.

The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter
brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father. The mother
said, “That’s wonderful. Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s
going to be when he grows older?”

The father replied, “From the smell of his fingers, our son
in-law!”

Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

After going out with his girlfriend for a month, Dave decided he
wanted to sleep with her. Unfortunately he still had to share a
room with his 9 year old brother Jonny. One night, he waited for
Jonny to fall asleep then he rang his girlfriend and asked her
to come over. Quietly they climbed onto the top bunk of the
boys’ bed and started to get undressed. After a few moments,
Dave realised that they would have to make up some sort of code
for what they wanted each other to do if they didn’t want Jonny
to hear them. Eventually they settled for “Lettuce” meaning
Harder, and “Tomato” meaning Change Position. Soon they began to
get into a rhythm.
LETTUCE!
TOMATO!
LETTUCE!
LETTUCE!
TOMATO!
OH WAIT! PULL IT OUT, PULL IT OUT!
I CAN’T GET PREGNANT!
Then suddenly quick as a flash, Jonny sat up and screamed at
them, “Can you two PLEASE stop making sandwiches?! You’re
getting mayonaise all over my face!”

A husband and wife were fighting about their sex life.

“You never even tell me when you’re having an orgasm!” he yelled.

“How can I?” she shot back. “You’re never here!”

A woman went to her doctor and complained that her husband was 300% impotent.
The doctor replied, “I’m not sure I understand what you mean.”

She answered, “Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!”

A woman walked past her daughter’s closed bedroom door when she heard a
strange buzzing noise. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving
herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked “What are you
doing?”
The daughter replied “Mom, I’m 35 years old, unmarried, and this thing
is about as close as I’m gonna get to a husband. Please, leave me alone.”
The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side
of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he saw his daughter making
passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, she
replied, “Dad, I’m 35 years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I’ll get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.”
A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping and heard the buzzing
noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered the room and
observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was
next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked “What the hell are
you doing?”
The husband replied “Watching the ball game with my son-in-law.”

A wife with her husband watches TV. Suddenly the husband thumps the wife on
her face. – What’s that for, honey?? – If there was something for – I’d simply
kill ya!

Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.

Andy’s wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the “miracle” products, she asks her husband – “Darling, honestly, if you didn’t know me, what age would you say I am?”

Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,…
“Judging from your skin, twenty;
your hair, eighteen;
and your figure, twenty five.”

“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying…

“WHOA, hold on there sweety!” Andy interrupted.
“I haven’t added them up yet!”

May you never leave your marriage alive.