Category: relationships

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

“C’mon, tell me,” she asked for the thousandth time, “how many women have you slept with?”

“Baby, ” he protested, “if I told you, you’d throw a fit.”

Kim promised she wouldn’t get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

“Okay,” he said, then started to count on his fingers “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven – then there’s you – nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen…..

This couple was getting ready to go to bed and when the husband came in from the bathroom his wife was rubbing this cream all over her tits. He said “what the hell are you doing”. She said she was unhappy about the size of her breasts and this cream was supposed to make them larger. “But it really doesn’t seem to be working” she said. The husband said “wait a minute I have an idea”. So he went into the bathroom and came back with a roll of toilet paper and started rubbing it all over her tits. She said “what are you doing”? He said “well, I figured you have been wiping your ass with this for years and look how big it has gotten”!

The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to their own tattoo.

The woman cocked her ear, “Quick! My husband’s coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!” she cried.

The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.

“What are you doing lying on the bed naked?” he asked.

“Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you.” she replied with a knowing smile.

“Great,” he said, “I’ll just nip into the bathroom and I’ll be with you in two shakes.”

Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air.

“Who the devil are you!” the husband demanded.

“I’m from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths,” the lover replied.

“But..but you’ve got no clothes on?” stammered the husband.

The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, “The little bastards!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

At a very Ivy-league school the girls were discussing their family pets.
“We’ve got a beautiful spaniel at our place,” said one girl.
“Does it have a pedigree?” asked another.
“It does on its mother’s side. And its father comes from a very good
neighborhood.”

Larry finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee that he had to break off their engagement so he could marry another woman.
“Can she cook like I can?” the distraught woman asked between sobs.

“Not on her best day,” he replied.

“Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?”

“No, she’s broke.”

“Well, then, is it sex?”

“Nobody does it like you, babe.”

“Then what can she do that I can’t?”

“…Sue me for child support.”

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words “I do”.

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said, “WHAT??” So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I’m thinking, “What was her first clue?”

I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store… I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.

She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you …she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don’t think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn’t even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, “I’m ready to go, let’s go to the cash register.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No, honey. I don’t feel like buying all this stuff now.” You should have seen her face … it went completely blank. I then said, “Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.”

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man.”

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring thaw.

The Perfect Woman would say:

1. I’ll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you’ve had enough to drink?
3. I’m bored. Let’s shave my pussy!
4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome!
5. God..if I don’t get to blow you soon, I swear I’m gonna bust!
6. I know it’s a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?
7. You’re so sexy when you’re hungover.
8. I’d rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let’s subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let’s go down to the mall so you can check out women’s asses.
12. I’ll be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday’s, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
14. Honey..our new neighbor’s daughter is sunbathing again, come see!
15. I’ve decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
16. No, No, I’ll take the car to have the oil changed.
17. Your mother did a great job raising you.
18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine’s day thing and buy yourself new clubs.
19. I understand fully…our anniversary comes every year. You go hunting with the guys, it’s a wonderful stress reliever.
20. Shouldn’t you be down at the bar with your buddies?
21. Not the fucking mall again, come on let’s go to that new strip joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don’t you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
24. That was a great fart! Do another one!
25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya…

There was a couple involved in a very bad car accident. The wife’s face was badly burned. The doctors said they could take the burnt skin and replace it with extra skin.

The woman’s husband gladly allowed the doctors to use some skin from his behind.

The woman healed beautifully and ask her husband if there was anything she could do for him for being so nice to donate his skin.

And the husband replied, “no need…I get all the satisfaction I could ever want each time your mother kisses you on the cheek!”

Correction: Instead of being arrested, as we stated, for kicking his wife down a flight of stairs and hurling a lighted kerosene lamp after her, the Rev. James P. Wellman died unmarried four years ago.

A woman was walking on the beach right after a horrible,
divorce, feeling really depressed about the fact that she has
nobody, and no job and has to live off alimony, and she kicks
this bottle.

Out comes a Genie, and he says “I see you are a divorcee, a I
hate divorcees! I have been paying me ex alimony for the past
10,000,000 years!!!, however, you did free me, and I will give
you a wish, 1 wish, and your ex will get five times as much.”

She starts thinking what she can ask for that will be good for
her and bad for her ex, first she wants to ask for a million
dollars, but then realizes that her ex will get ten million.
then she was going to be the most beautiful person in the world,
but then realizes that her ex will look even better.

After a long time of thinking she says “I know what I want. I
realize that my ex will get 5 times as much, and anyways, I
decided that I want to marry a handsome man, and give birth to
his child.”

Here’s some good pick up lines.

1. Your name must be Gillete. The best a man can get.

2. Is that a mirror in your pocket, because I can see myself in your pants.

3. I’m no Fred Flintstone, but I can sure make your bed-rock.

4. The word of the day is legs. Lets go to my place and spread the word.

5. Wanna go out for some pizza and a fuck? What’s wrong, don’t you like
pizza?

6. Your name must be Tony because your looking grrrrreat!

7. If your left leg was named Thanksgiving, and your right leg Chirstmas,
would you let me visit you between the holidays?

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw.The man, terrified, screamed, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to…to…cut it off, are you???!?”The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, “Nope. You are. I’m going to set the garage on fire.”