Category: relationships

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by
the altar and the best man notices the groom has the biggest,
brightest smile on his face. The best man says, “Hey man, I know
you are happy to be getting married, but what’s up? You look so
excited!”

The groom replies, “I just had the best blowjob I have ever had
in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave
it to me.”

Now the bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the
biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices
this and says, “Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be
getting married, but what’s up? You look so excited!”

The bride replies, “I have just given the last blow job of my
entire life.”

Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid.

But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their leads.

He observed the couple next to him.

The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife’s cup and said, “Sugar, sugar?”

Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.

Another table over Joe observed the following.

A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, “Honey, honey?”

Again Joe thought this was good stuff.

Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife’s eyes and said, “Ham, pig?”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

A guy starts talking to two women in a bar. They turn out to be Siamese twins, and they wind up back at his apartment. He fucks one, then starts to work on the other. He realizes that the first one is going to get bored, so he asks her what she’d like to do.

She says, “Is that a trombone in the corner? I’d love to play your trombone.”

So she plays it while he screws her sister.

A few weeks later the Siamese twins are walking past the guy’s apartment building. One of them says, “Let’s go up and see that guy we met.”

The other twin says, “Gee … do you think he will remember us?”

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. “What the ???” he said to himself as a little “dust” cloud appeared when he shook them out.

“April,” he hollered into the bathroom, “why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?”

She shot back: “It’s not talcum powder. It’s ‘Miracle Grow’.”

What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

45 lbs.

A newly-wed couple is dining in. The husband is kind of slowly picking in his
plate. The wife:
– Do you love me?
– Yes, I do! You have been asking me that everyday since that month after we
got married but you have never asked me if I love spaghetti!

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.

“The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. Entertain. And stay home at night!”

An old granny overheard and spoke up, “Girl, if that’s all you want, get a TV!”

One day a husband said to his wife “Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make love to you really badly.”

She replied “Well, you succeeded.”

Submitted by Curtis

The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work: “I have great news for you. Pretty soon we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.”

The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife said: “Oh darling, I’m the happiest man in the world.”

But then she said: “I’m glad that you feel this way because tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us.”

A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn’t believe in Heaven or Hell.

“Marry him anyway dear.” the Mother said. “Between the two of us, we’ll show him just how wrong he is.”

do you know there are 1 million battered woman in the world today….and i have been eating mine raw this whole time.

Two girls go out one weekend without their husbands and got somewhat inebriated.

Staggering on their way home, they both desperately need a wee and with no public toilets in sight the nearest venue was a cemetery, so they both ducked behind the fence to relieve themselves. After they’d
finished, the first woman took off her knickers to wipe herself and then
threw them away. The other woman, realising she was wearing some

very expensive knickers, didn’t want to throw hers away and so looked
around for something else and decided on using the ribbon off a nearby
wreath.

So now, feeling a lot better, they carried on with their stagger home.

The following morning the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone. One commented, “I think we need to start keeping a closer eye on our wives you know. I reckon they’re up to no good. My wife came home last night without any knickers on!”

The other one replied, “Tell me about it! If you think that’s bad, my wife
came home with a card stuck to her arse that read – “All the members of the District Fire Brigade will never forget you”.