Category: relationships

Mr. Harris had a new secretary who was such a pretty young thing
and so eager to please that he decided to “work late” and to
take her to dinner tonight. So he called up his wife to tell her
he would be late and she replied, “No problem.”

So Mr. Harris treated his secretary to dinner at a fancy
restaurant where they had one drink too many. After dinner with
her, it was obvious that Mr. Harris would get lucky tonight when
the girl asked him to take her home. When they got to the
secretary’s home, they did the wild thing for over two hours.
When it was over, Mr. Harris went to the bathroom to freshen up
and get ready to go home. Looking into the mirror, he noticed
that he had a huge hickey on his neck. He had no idea what he
was going to tell his wife and fell into a state of panic. But
he had no choice but to go home and face the music as it was
getting quite late.

Putting his key into the lock, he heard his dog come barking and
scratching at the door. He thought, “Aha! I got an idea.” He
entered the house, fell on the carpet and pretended to fight off
the affectionate dog.

Holding his neck in one hand, he walked into the bedroom and
exclaimed, “Honey! Look what the dog did to my neck!”

Mrs. Harris looked up, ripped open her bathrobe and said,
“That’s nothing. Look what he did to my tits!”

Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, I’m tired, and it’s getting late. I think I’ll go to bed.”

She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day’s lunches, rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.

She then put some wet clothes into the dryer, put a load of clothes into the wash, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the newspapers strewn on the floor, picked up the game pieces left on the table and put the telephone book back into the drawer. She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry. She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse. Mom then creamed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and trimmed her nails.

Hubby called, “I thought you were going to bed.”
“I’m on my way,” she said.

She put some water into the dog’s dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out a bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework. In her own room, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow. About that time, the hubby turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular “I’m going to bed,” and he did.

Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.

Andy’s wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the “miracle” products, she asks her husband, “Darling, honestly, if you didn’t know me, what age would you say I am?”

Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,…
“Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five…”

“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed.

Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying…

“WHOA, hold on there sweety!” Andy interrupted. “I haven’t added them up yet!”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

“Well,” he said, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s “the” night. We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out and I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky after that.

Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so you’d better give me the 12 pack.” The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says, “You never told me that you were such a religious person.”

He leans over to her and says…
“You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!”

A man & wife entered a dentist’s office.

The Wife said, “I want a tooth pulled. I don’t want gas or Novocain because I’m in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.”

You’re a brave woman said the dentist. Now, Show me which tooth it is.

The wife turns to her husband and says “Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.”

The 5 toughest questions women ask – and their answers

The five questions are:
1 – “What are you thinking?”
2 – “Do you love me?”
3 – “Do I look fat?”
4 – “Do you think she is prettier than me?”
5 – “What would you do if I died?”

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is
guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if
the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly.
For example:

1 – “What are you thinking?” The proper answer to this question,
of course, is, “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just
reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful,
intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am
to have met you.”
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what
the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely
one of five things:
a – Baseball
b – Football
c – How fat you are.
d – How much prettier she is than you.
e – How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid
question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was
asked it by his wife, Peg. “If I wanted you to know,” Al said,
“I’d be talking instead of thinking.”

The other questions also have only one right answer but many
wrong answers:

2 – “Do you love me?” The correct answer to this question is,
“Yes.” For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you
may answer, “Yes, dear. Wrong answers include:
a – I suppose so.
b – Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c – That depends on what you mean by “love”.
d – Does it matter?
e – Who, me?

3 – “Do I look fat?” The correct male response to this question
is to confidently and emphatically state, “No, of course not” and
then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
a – I wouldn’t call you fat, but I wouldn’t call you thin either.
b – Compared to what?
c – A little extra weight looks good on you.
d – I’ve seen fatter.
e – Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your
insurance policy.

4 – “Do you think she’s prettier than me?” The “she” in the
question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were
starring at so hard thay you almost cause a traffic accident or
an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct
response is, “No, you are much prettier.” Wrong answers include:
a – Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b – I don’t know how one goes about rating such things.
c – Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d – Only in the sense that she’s younger and thinner.
e – Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your
insurance policy.

5 – “What would you do if I died?” Correct answer: “Dearest love,
in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have
meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front
tires of the first Domino’s Pizza truck that came my way.” This
might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by
the following stupid joke:

“Dear,” said the wife. “What would you do if I died?”
“Why, dear, I would be extremely upset,” said the husband. “Why
do you ask such a question?”
“Would you remarry?” persevered the wife.
“No, of couse not, dear” said the husband.
“Don’t you like being married?” said the wife.
“Of course I do, dear” he said.
“Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”
“Alright,” said the husband, “I’d remarry.”
“You would?” said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
“Yes” said the husband.
“Would you sleep with her in our bed?” said the wife after a long
pause.
“Well yes, I suppose I would.” replied the husband.
“I see,” said the wife indignantly.” And would you let her wear
my old clothes?”
“I suppose, if she wanted to” said the husband.
“Really,” said the wife icily. “And would you take down the
pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?”
“Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do.”
“Is that so?” said the wife, leaping to her feet. “And I suppose
you’d let her play with my golf clubs, too.”
“Of course not, dear,” said the husband. “She is left-handed.”

Three honeymoon couples find themselves in adjacent rooms in a hotel.

As they are getting undressed, the first man says to his wife, “What huge buttocks!” Much offended, she threw him into the corridor.

The second man, also undressing, says to his wife, “Christ! What huge tits!.”

She is also greatly offended and throws him out into the corridor.

Several minutes later, the third newlywed husband arrives in the corridor as well.

The other two ask, “What happened? Did you put your foot in it?”

“No, but I could have!” the third man replied.

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do.

Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”

His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say, “WHO’S HORNY”…..?!!!”

And she acts like she’s sound asleep.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

A frustrated wife tells her friend, “I want to divorce my husband because he has a lousy memory!”

Her friend replies, “Why would you want to divorce him for that?”

The wife says, “Every time he gets around a young woman, he keeps forgetting that he’s married!”

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

“Well,” he said, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s “the” night. We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out. And I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky after that.

Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so you’d better give me the 12 pack.”

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.

He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says, “You never told me that you were such a religious person.”

He leans over to her and says, “You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!”

One evening after work, a man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party. Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife.Later that night, the man and his wife were driving to a movie when he spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.They arrived at the theater a short time later and were about to get out of the car when his wife asked, “Honey, have you seen my other shoe?”

A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were
working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over
pulling weeds, the husband said, “Hey, Honey, you are getting
fat. Your butt is getting huge! I bet it is as big as the gas
grill now.”

The husband feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yard
stick, measured the grill and then measured his wife’s butt.
“Yep.” he said, “Just what I thought, just about the same size.”
The wife got very upset and decided to let him do the gardening
alone. She went inside and didn’t speak to her husband for the
rest of the day.

That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to
his wife, and said, “How about it honey? How about a little
lovemaking?” The wife rolled over and turned her back to him,
giving him the cold shoulder. “What’s the matter?” he asked. To
which she replied, “You don’t think I am going to fire up this
big ass grill for one little weenie, do you?”