Category: relationships

Two weeks ago, was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn’t feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday and probably have a present for me.

She didn’t even say Good Morning, let alone any Happy Birthday. I said, well, that’s wives for you. The children will remember. The children came into breakfast and didn’t say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, Janet said, Good Morning, Boss- – – -Happy Birthday and I felt a little better- — – someone had remembered. I worked until noon. About noon Janet knocked on my door and said, you know it’s such a beautiful day outside and it’s your birthday, Let’s go to lunch, just you and me.

I said, by George, that’s the greatest thing I have heard all day. Let’s go.

We went to lunch. We didn’t go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, you know, it’s such a beautiful day, we don’t need to go back to the office, do you?

I said, no, I guess not.

She said, Let’s go to my apartment.

After arriving at her apartment, we had another martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, Boss, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.

I allowed her to do so, as I didn’t mind at all. She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes she came out of the bedroom carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife and children.

All were singing Happy Birthday, and there I sat….

with nothing on but my socks…..

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. “What the hell?” he said to himself as a little “dust” cloud appeared when he shook them out.

“April,” he hollered into the bathroom, “why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?”

She shot back, “It’s not talcum powder. It’s ‘Miracle Grow.'”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by axelwang

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem doctor. Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear-splitting yell.”

“My dear,” the shrink said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is?”

“The problem is,” she complained, “It wakes me up.”

1. It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It’s important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.

4. It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It’s very, very important that these four women don’t know each other.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited By Curtis

Gary matched Dan, drink for drink, trying to get him to talk about what was bothering him.

Gentle prodding was ignored until after downing his ninth, Dan blurted out, “OK, it’s your wife.”

“My wife?” his friend demanded. “What about my wife?”

“I think she’s cheating on us.”

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband:

“When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”

The husband replied: “All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry.”

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: “What are you thinking now?”

He replied: “It looks like I did a pretty good job.”

Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, “I want you to help me get a divorce.The Lawyer says OK, what are your grounds.My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with.””What do you mean?” asked the attorney. “Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?””No,” replied the woman, “and neither does the little queer.”

I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. — Dick Martin

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. “Does you and your wife ever do it doggie style?”

“Well… not exactly. She’s more into the trick dog aspect of it.”

“Oh, I see, kinky, huh?”

“Well… not exactly….”

“I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead.”

In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving for a crusade and called one of his squires, “I’m leaving for the crusade.

Here is the key to my wife’s chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I haven’t returned, you may use the key as I’m sure she will have needs”

The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe. He takes one last look at his castle and sees the squire rushing across the drawbridge, yelling, “Stop! Stop!

Thank goodness I was able to catch you. This is the WRONG KEY.”

A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of people outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was there.A farmer replied, “Joe’s mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died.””Well,” replied the man, “she must have had a lot of friends.””Nope,” said the farmer, “we all just want to buy his mule.”

When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.