Category: relationships

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.

A husband suspects his wife is having an affair.

He needs to go on a business trip for several days, so he decides to set a trap for her.

He puts a bowl of milk under the bed. From the bed springs, he suspends a spoon.

He has it calibrated so that her weight on the bed will not drop the spoon into the milk. But, if there’s any more weight than that, the spoon will drop into the milk and he will detect it upon his return home.

He comes home several days later. The first thing he does is reach under the bed and retrieve the bowl.

The bowl is full of butter.

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some
important guests. The wife was very excited about this and
wanted everything to be perfect.

At the very last minute, she realized that she didn’t have any
snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run
down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the
door, down the steps, and out to the beach.

As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman
strolling alongside the water just a little further down the
beach.

He kept thinking to himself, “Wouldn’t it be great if she would
even just come down and talk to me?” He went back to gathering
the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was
standing right over him. They started talking and she invited
him back to her place. They ended up spending the night
together.

At seven o’clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, “Oh
no!!! My wife’s dinner party!!!”

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his
bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way
to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was
in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he
dropped the bucket of snails.

There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just
then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering
where he’s been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at
her, then back at the snails and said, “Come on guys, we’re
almost there!!”

Once a young boy was watching his mother take a bath. As she got out to dry
off, he notices her upper torso he asks, “Momma, what are those?”
She replies, “Son, those are my breasts.”
As she turns he back to him he asks, “Momma, what is that?”
She replies, “Son that is my derriere.”
As she turns to slip on her robe he spies her nether region and asks, “Momma,
what is that?”
She replies, “That, son, is none of your business!”
Later the boy is playing by the kitchen door, and the father comes in from
work hungry. The father hollers toward the kitchen to the mom, “Hey honey,
what’s for dinner?”
She replies, “None of your business.”
The son shaking his head says, “YUCK!”

After Christmas Tom and Harry were at work talking about what they bought thier wives for Christmas.

Tom says “I got my wife a 3 carat diamond ring and a brand new BMW”.

Harry asked “if you got her a 3 carat diamond ring then why did you get a BMW”.

“So if she didn’t like the ring I knew that she would like the BMW” said Tom, “well what did you get your wife?”

Harry replies “well I got her a pair of flip flops and a dildo”.

Tom laughs and askes “why did you get her a dildo?”

“Well so if she didn’t like the flip flops she could go screw herself”

The following are comebacks to that annoying question “Why Aren’t You Married Yet?”

You haven’t asked yet.

I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.

Because I just love hearing this question.

Just lucky, I guess.

It gives my mother something to live for.

My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.

I’m still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.

Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?

I’m waiting until I get to be your age.

It didn’t seem worth a blood test.

I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.

Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.

My co-op board doesn’t allow spouses.

I’d have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.

They just opened a great singles bar on my block.

I wouldn’t want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

I guess it just goes to prove that you can’t trust those voodoo doll rituals.

What? And lose all the money I’ve invested in running personal ads?

I don’t want to have to support another person on my paycheck.

Why aren’t you thin?

I’m married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.

(Bonus reply for Single Mothers)
Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Mars and Venus thing.

And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words “I do”.

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said, “WHAT??” So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. I’m thinking, “What was her first clue?”

I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to sleep.

The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store.

I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits.

She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.

She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK.

And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited.

She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don’t think she cared.

I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet, because she doesn’t even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, “I’m ready to go, let’s go to the cash register.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No, honey. I don’t feel like buying all this stuff now.”

You should have seen her face … it went completely blank. I then said, “Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.”

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man.”

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring thaw.

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

There was once a greedy man who wanted money, money and more money. His wife hated this. Once when the man was walking on the beach and saw a lamp. This reminded him of Aladdin. He picked up the lamp and rubbed it. Out came a genie. He let the man make a wish. The man asked for “Money! I want money!!!”. The genie said he would grant his wish if he would let him have his wife for a month. The man let his wife go with the genie. The genie had sex with her. Afetr a month when she was leaving he asked her how old her husband was. “35”, she replied. The genie asked “And he still believes in genies?”

Besides “I love you”, what three words does a wife want to hear most?

“I’ll fix it.”

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

“C’mon, tell me,” she asked for the thousandth time, “how many women have you slept with?”

“Baby, ” he protested, “if I told you, you’d throw a fit.”

Kim promised she wouldn’t get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

“Okay,” he said, then started to count on his fingers “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven – then there’s you – nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen…..

You can’t be real. May I pinch you to see if I’m dreaming?
Hey, didn’t we go to different high schools?
There’s so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.
At last! I finally found the perfect girl!
A fool and his money are soon my boyfriend.
Do your legs hurt from running in my dreams all night?
Is it hot in here or is it just you?
If I follow you home, will you keep me?
The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
If I told you you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
If love is the answer…can you repeat the question?
I’m writing a telephone book. May I have your number?
Flattery will get you everywhere! Keep talking.
I know I’m not Mr. Right, but would you settle for Mr. Right Now?
But you’re so *cute* when you blush!
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
I don’t approve of your objectives, but I love your methods.
Please be patient–this is my first time.
May we kiss those we please, and please those we kiss.
Bits make bytes, but nibbles turn me on.
Nothing says “I love you” better than six hours of nonstop sex.
A person can be poor at history, but great on dates.
A curved line is the loveliest distance between two points.
I only like two kinds of girls–domestic and imported.
If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help!
I can read you like a book, but I keep forgetting my place.
Didn’t I meet you in some other hallucination?
Be good and you’ll be lonely.
The best things in life are ME!
I just naturally respect pretty girls in tight-fitting sweaters.
I used to be a terrible flirt. I’m much better at it now.
I don’t dance. But I’d love to hold you while you do.
Clothes aren’t sexy. Women are.
I can’t whistle at my girlfriend…she leaves me breathless!
Any man who can see through women is sure missing a lot.
I feel great! And I don’t kiss badly either!
BITCH also stands for: Beautiful, Intelligent, Talented and Charming Human being!

May you grow so rich your widow’s second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid.