Category: relationships

It’s just to hot to wear clothes today,” said Jack as he stepped out of the shower. “Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?””Probably that I married you for your money.”

MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child’s table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

Husband: Darling, will you love me when I’m old and feeble?

Spouse: You bet I do.

Once a woman was in labor; she was having a really tough time
dealing with the pain. The doctor came to her husband and her
and told them of a new experimental drug that allows the woman
to transfer 25% of the pain to the father. The husband feels
really bad for his wife so he decides they will try it.

The wife takes the pill and a few minutes later the husband
says, “I don’t feel a thing. You women are babies. Take another
pill I can handle this.” So the wife takes another pill. Same
thing happens. Her husband tells her to take another pill. Same
thing. By now she has transferred 75% of her pain to her
husband. She is feeling a little pain but her husband is still
feeling nothing. He is convinced that women are complete wuses.
He tells her, “Take another pill. This isn’t hurting me at all.
Let me take all the pain away.” So she does. Now they are both
feeling great.

A few hours later, the wife gives birth to a beautiful baby boy.
The next day they take their newborn son home, and there they
find the mailman dead on the doorstep.

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride’s and groom’s families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, ‘Silence in court!’

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,
‘Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.’

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, ‘OK.’

‘Well,’ said Paddy, ‘after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.’

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, ‘God, that must have hurt!’

‘Hurt?’ Paddy replies. ‘He broke three of my fingers!’

A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang.

The husband picked up the phone and said, ‘Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?’ He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed.

‘Who was that?’ asked his wife.

‘I don’t know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.’

go up to Kyle Orr and ask if he ate wood.

he would say maybe???

A guy in his final year at the secondary school, one day decided to bring his girlfriend home. But the unfortunate thing is that he shares a room with his younger brother who is just 9 yrs old. This guy brought the girl home one night, and luckly for him his brother as sleeping on the down bed, so they had to climb up to the top bed. And guess what? Things started to heat up, then the boy remembered that his brother is sleeping down, so he told the girl to say ‘tomatoes when its to hard for her and lettuce when she wants to change position, and this is hat happened. ‘tomatoes’ ‘lettuce’ ‘tomatoes’ ‘lettuce’ This went on for sometime , then all of a sudden the boy’s brother who was sleeping down there shoutered ”will you guys stop making sandwitches up there, you are getting mayonaise all over my face.

1. Man: “So, wanna go back to my place?”
Woman: “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?”

2. The most memorable rebuttal to a turn down (used by the guy who used to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to dance and she refused:

Man: “Want to Dance?”
Woman: “No, thank you.”
Man: “Don’t thank me, thank God somebody asked you.”

3. Man: “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
Woman: “It’s in the phone book.”
Man: “But I don’t know your name.”
Woman: “That’s in the phone book too.”

4.Man: “So what do you do for a living?”
Woman: “Female impersonator.”

5. Q: What sign were you born under?
A: No Parking.

6. After hearing a pick-up line:
Woman: “I like your approach, now let’s see your departure.”

7. A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60’s approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, “Where have you been all my life?” She took one glance at him and said, “For the first half of it, I probably wasn’t born yet.”

8. A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, “What are you looking at!?”

My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, “He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken.”

9. While at college, a few friends were discussing how their “passes” had been rejected by the intended female receiver. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once…

When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, “Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason!” She responded, “Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!”

10. “Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.”

11. Man: “Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time.”

Woman: ” You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can’t cash.”

A lady was married to this brute of a man who always beat and kicked her. On top of all that, when they did have sex, it was no good. So, she decided she was tired of him and got a divorce.A couple days after the divorce finalized she placed an ad in the paper that read: “WANTED. Husband that won’t beat me or kick me. “Good sex a must.” A week or so passed and she finally gets a knock at the door. She goes to answer it only to find a man sitting in a wheel chair. She asks what he wants and he informs her that he will be her new husband. “Well, you don’t have any arms.” she notices. “I can’t beat you then, can I?” he replies. “And you don’t have any legs!” “SO! That only means I can’t kick you.” She pauses for a moment and then asks, “Well what about the sex?” He answers confidently,”How do you think I knocked on the door.”

A person receives a telegram informing him about his mother-in-law’s death. It also enquires whether she should be buried or burnt.He replies, “Don’t take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes.”

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.