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One man’s hobby was fishing, he spent all his weekends near the river or lake, paying no attention to weather.
One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river, as usual. It was just so cold and raining that he decided to return back to his house. He entered, went to his bedroom, undressed and slipped into bed beside his wife.
“God this is terrible weather today, honey.” he said.
“Yes. And my idiot husband went fishing!”
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle.
The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.
The father replies, ”Well, you see that 3-pack? That’s for when you’re in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.”
The son then asks his father, ”What’s the 6-pack for?”
The father replies, ”Well, that’s for when you’re in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.”
Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ”Well, that’s for when you’re married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for…..”
Submitted by Curtis
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.”
The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”
A couple were celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary at their home.
Everyone was having a great time except for the wife who sat off in a corner with a tear in her eye. The family attorney came over to her and asked what was wrong. The wife told him, “Remember when we first got married and I told you that I couldn’t stand him after about a month into the marriage? I really hated him at the time.”
“Yeah, I remember those trying times.” replied the attorney.
“I absolutely positively hated him. I even had bad thoughts of killing him, remember?”
“Yes, I do.”
“But you kept telling me to get rid of those thoughts. You said that I would get up to thirty years for such a crime.”
“That was a long time ago though. Why are you so sad now?”
“Because…I could have been a free woman by now!”
My boyfriend was grounded so he couldn�t do anything on Friday so I decided to see what my other friend was doing we were really good friends and I liked him but I didn�t thing that he liked me�so we get to the movies and get in our seats and my friend comes in and tells me we need to talk but mean while I was making out with my �friend� so I go and talk and she tells me that my boyfriend is there so I tell my friend that I should probably go sit with him so he doesn�t see us together I go sit with my boyfriend and I start making out with him after a little while and my friend comes up and tells me that we need to talk so I go with him and he says that my boyfriends best friend saw us making out and he is going to tell my boyfriend when the movie is over and I�m like well I better go make the best of it then�so I go sit with my boyfriend and tell him that we should go to my house now instead of finishing the movie so we go and we end up sleeping together but his best friend shows up at his house and tells him that I was making out with another guy at the movies and he dumped me and my good friend that I was making out with comes over to my house and I told him what happened and he was so sorry and I said that I didn�t care but I really liked him so that night he asked me out and I ended up having a good night anyways because I slept with him too so after all it ends up to be a good night�
A man calls his mother in Florida. “Mom, how are you?” “Not too good,” says
the mother. “I’ve been very weak.” The son says, “Why are you so weak?” She
says, “Because I haven’t eaten in 5 days.” The man says, “That’s terrible! Why
haven’t you eaten in 5 days? The mother answers, “Because I didn’t want my mouth
to be filled with food if you should call.”
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. “Certainly, sir, that’ll be 1 cent.” “ONE CENT – that’s awesome!” exclaimed the guy.
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with the works?”
“Certainly, sir, “replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money.” “How much money?” inquires the guy. “4 cents,” replies the bartender.
“FOUR cents!” exclaims the guy… “Where’s the Guy who owns this place?”
The bartender replies, “Upstairs with my wife.” The guy says, “What’s he doing with your wife?”
The bartender replies… “Same as I’m doing to his business!”
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”
His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, ‘You as horny as I am?’ . . . and, she always acts like she’s sound asleep!”
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Calamjo
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I’m divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn’t know about.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
A young couple was called to heaven before they could be married. The disappointed groom took St.Peter aside and asked him if it was possible for them to be married.”I’m afraid you’ll have to wait,” St.Peter replied. “Check back after five years time, and if you still want to be married we will talk about it.”Five years passed and the couple came back to see St.Peter. Repeating their request, St.Peter replied,”Sorry, you must wait another five years.”Fortunately after the wait, St.Peter said they could be married. The wedding was beautiful and at first the couple were very happy, but later they realized that they had made a mistake. They went to see St.Peter, this time to ask for a divorce.”WHAT!?” St.Peter asked. “It took us ten years to find a minister in heaven, Now you want us to find a ‘lawyer’?”.
Just after I got married, I decided to have a night with “the boys.”
I told the misses that I would be home by midnight…promise!
Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. full as a boot, I went home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she’d probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having the quick wittedness, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning the misses asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o’clock. Whew! Got away with that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said “Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said ‘shit,’ cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed another 3 times, cleared its throat, and cuckooed twice then giggled.”
Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to Sean, “You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister.”
“Well,” Sean replied, “between you and me we got ’em all.”