Category: relationships

You just can’t win.

I’ll bet if I died and came back as a fly, my wife would come back as a can of Raid!

Bad: You can’t find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter “borrowed” it.

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son’s room.
Worse: You’re in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.

Bad: Your husband’s a cross dresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.

Bad: Your son’s involved in Satanism.
Worse: As a sacrifice.

Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She’s a lawyer.

Bad: Your wife’s leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.

Bad: Your wife’s leaving you.
Worse: To enter a convent.

Bad: Your wife’s arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.

Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You’re arrested.
Worse: By your husband.

Good: The postman’s early.
Bad: He’s wearing camos and has an AK-47.

Good: The secretary said “yes.”
Bad: Your wife says “no.”

Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: He’s gay.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: So did the postman.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.

Good: You get a three-day weekend.
Bad: You get the flu on Friday.

Good: You get tickets to the theatre.
Bad: It’s performance art.

Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter’s the headliner.

Good: Your boyfriend’s exercising.
Bad: So he’ll fit in your clothes.

Good: Your car conveniently “runs out of gas.”
Bad: For real.

Good: Your child’s “waiting for Mr. Right”.
Bad: Your son, that is.

Good: Your daughter’s on the Pill.
Bad: She’s eleven.

Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: She weighs 350 pounds.

Good: Your son’s doing extra credit work.
Bad: Making a sex ed video.

Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.
Bad: It’s counterfeit.

Good: Your wife bought a porn video.
Bad: Your daughter’s the star.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.

Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She’s coming home.

Good: Your wife’s kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
Worse: All of them.

WHEN SOME WOMAN SAY: “This place is a mess! C’mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor and you’ll have no clothes to wear, if we don’t do laundry right now!”

THIS IS WHAT SOME MEN HEAR: “Blah, blah, blah, blah, c’mon blah, blah, blah, blah, you and I blah, blah, blah, blah, on the floor blah, blah, blah, blah, no clothes blah, blah, blah, right now!”

My wife thinks I’m too nosy. At least that’s what she keeps writing in her diary!

Last night I was in a rare tender mood. I made love to my wife and afterward held her close.

“I love you terribly,” I whispered.

“You certainly do,” was her reply.

The first guy said, “My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won’t let me do any work around the house. It’s incredible.”

The second guy says, “That’s nothing. My wife thinks I’m God.”

“She thinks you’re God? What makes you say that?”

“Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me.”

The top 10 things men know about women are:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
(I think you get it where we’re going with this.)
6.
7.
(Hey Guys…”check out #8…a new one!)
8.
9.
10.

A man and his wife, now in their 60’s, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.

On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger.
Whoosh! immediately he turned ninety.

Gotta love that fairy!

Submitted by Curtis

Daughter comes to her mother in tears and says:
– since i got married to vasya, he’s never had me…
– oh, no problem. tell him to come to me.
he comes, and the girl’s mother says:
– when you go to bed with my daughter, you know, you have a knob and she has a
hole, just stick it in and the mother nature will help you.
next day the daughter comes back crying:
– what did you tell him, mom? he plugged his nose into my a****** and shouted:
‘mother nature, help me! i’m suffocating!’

A man walked into a drugstore and asked the man at the counter if they sold condoms.

The proprietor asked the man what kind he wanted.

The man replied, “I want the kind with insecticide on them.”

The proprietor responded, “Don’t you mean the kind with spermicide?”

“NO!” shouted the man, “I mean INSECTICIDE”.

The proprietor asked, “Why would you want a condom with insecticide”?”

The man replied, “My old lady has a bug up her ass, and I’m going after it!”

One day a boy wanted to take a shower with his mom, when he
asked her sshe said alright just dont look up or down. So when
they were in the shower he looked up n e way, and said, mom what
are those? Lightbulbs, she said (oh he said) Then he looked down
and said, mommy what is that, Grass. (oh) The next day he wanted
to take a shower with his dad he said ok, just dont look down.
“ok dad” When they were in the shower he looked down (n e ways)
He asked dad what is thaT? he said itss umm A SNAKE. (oh) The
next day he wanted to take a shower with his mom and dad. And
they both said, “ok” When they were in the shower,he said to his
mom, “MOMMY MOMMY TURN ON YOUR LIGHTBULBS THERES A SNAKE IN YOUR
GRASS”

1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as
to give the impression that you’ll stab anyone, including the
waiter, who reaches for it.

2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the
restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.

3. Wipe your nose on your date’s sleeve. Twice.

4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their
reactions.

5. Repeat every third third word you say say.

6. Bring your middle school yearbook. Point out every signle
person, and give a life history of each.

7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.

8. Stare at your date’s neck, and grind your teeth audibly.

9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don’t know
what they are talking about.

10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your
arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.

11. Order a bucket of lard.

12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well
in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.

13. Howl and whistle at womens’ legs, especially if you are
female.

14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.

15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date
begins talking about themselves.

16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.

17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live
food.

18. Without asking, eat off your date’s plate. Eat more from
their plate than they do.

19. Drool.

20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and
spray crumbs.

21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being
placed in front of you.

22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head
waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of
the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds
you, ask him/her “What took you so long in the restroom?!?”

23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to
you.

24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their
plates.

25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep
bringing the subject up.

26. Ask your date how much money they have with them.

27. Order for your date. Order something nasty.

28. Communicate in mime the entire evening.

29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the
windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and
where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.

30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.

31. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.

32. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and
pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements… i.e anything
on the table that isn’t bolted down.

33. Hold a debate. Take both sides.

34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.

35. Auction your date off for silverware.

36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.

37. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings
your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the
waiter for the potato you “never got”. When the waiter returns
with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the
plate. Repeat later in the meal.

38. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.

39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on
tape, and use good judgement in editing to twist their words
around.

40. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.

41. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber
language, or just nonsense).

42. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to
the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of
the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.

43. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the
menu. Take one bite.

44. Bring 20 or so candles with you, and during the meal get up
and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.

45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you’re
taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because
it’s a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.

46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.

47. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order
coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage
of the free refills.

48. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In
a simliar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the
plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.

49. Accuse your date of espionage.

50. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.

51. Don’t use any verbs during the entire meal.

52. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to
pay the bill.

53. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.

54. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you’ve brought along.

55. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.