Category: relationships

How are husbands like lawn mowers?

They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don’t work!

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Yard Work Sign Language

A couple is doing yard work and the wife goes to take a shower. Her husband is looking for a rake and can’t find it. He yells up to his wife, ‘Where’s the rake?’

She replies by nodding her arms like she can’t hear.

So he points to his eye (I), hits his knee (need), then makes raking motions.

She replies by pointing to her eye, grabbing her left breast, slapping her ass, then rubbing her crotch. He runs upstairs and says, ‘What?!’

She says, ‘I left tit behind the bush.’

Now I lay me down to sleep. Please don’t send me no more creeps. Please just send me one good man. One without a wedding band.
One good man who’s sweet as pie. Who brushed his teeth and doesn’t lie. Who dresses neat and doesn’t smell. And is sexy like my man Denzel. Is super-rich like Michael J. On second thought, that’s okay.

Man, if I should die before I wake, That would truly take the cake; No matrimony or honeymoon. No fancy reception planned for June. No throwing of the wedding bouquet. Please, God, don’t let me go out that way.

If I die before I meet Mr. Right I won’t go out without a fight. But then again with my luck, He’d probably be just some schmuck.

The single life is not that bad I know it’s just a passing fad. I won’t be blue. I will not frown. Besides, I like my toilet seat down. No more makeup, won’t comb my hair. So never mind this stupid prayer.

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:

Dear Wife (that’s what he called her): I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband (that’s what she called him): I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy.

You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 14 many more times than 54 goes into 18.

A husband left for work. He walked out from the multi-story apartment house
where he lived on the sixth floor, and remembered that he forgot money for
lunch. He shouted to his wife, “Masha! I left money. Please, drop fifty kopeks
for me!”
The wife walked to the balcony and said, “Always you forget something. With
you, nothing is right, you dunderhead.” Still, she went into the apartment,
found fifty kopeks in several small coins and shouted, “How can I drop these
coins? They will scatter all over the street.”
“No problem,” the husband said. “Just wrap them in a three-ruble bill.”

Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed.

With a low voice he sad to his wife: “When I’m dead I want you to marry farmer Jones.”

Wife: “No, I can’t marry anyone after you.”
Johnson: “But I want you to.”
Wife: “But why?”
Johnson: “Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!”

What’s new? Most of my wife.

Nuns: Women who marry God. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?

A man walked up to a farmer’s house, and knocked on the door. When the farmer’s wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door.

Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question. Again, she slammed the door and screamed, “Get the hell away!”

Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case.

Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said, “Yes!”

The man replied, “Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife!”

When you are going out together
1. Avoid at all costs comparing your current boyfriends faults
with your ex boyfriends good points.
2. (No offence to women) But women do have a tendency to nag,
men will always be the laid back ones who dont seem to give a
damn whether or not they see you often, whether they do or not
remains a mystery.
3. Avoid the green monster!!! (JEALOUSY!)
4. Dont nag. Discuss situations which have occured, either on
the phone or face to face, not txts or internet.
5. A texting relationship, is a dreadful relationship. This is
because everything is slang, eg I luv u? Spelt wrong, it just
dont have the same effect as when spelt properly or said with
true feeling.
6. Make sure you talk about sex issues when you feel ready for
it, dont leave things unsaid or you wont know where you stand
with each other.
7. Lads! Please try, make an effort, it doesnt exactly make a
girl feel too great when her boyfriend acts like he doesnt want
to spend quality time with her, eg time spent alone.
8. TALK SO YOUR GIRLFRIEND CAN ACTUALLY HEAR YOU!!!!!!!! (just
kidding, well it can get a ickle bit annoyin sometimes but also
sweet)
9. Give your girlfriend help when she is giving you sexual
favours, eg point out what you like best, this goes both ways
girls, were not all mind-readers you know!
10. Dont try to pressurise your boyfriend/girlfriend into doing
anything they are not sure about. It could ruin everything for
both of you. You may not think it girls, but this applies to you
too.

When the relationship has ended.
1. Do not be bitter, about anything. For example do not talk
about how your ex is small in particular departments and how
they cannot perform to certain standards.
2. Try not to check up where your ex is or who he/she is with
now.
3. Do NOT under ANY circumstances send letters, texts, emails or
anything of the sort telling your ex you still have feelings for
them. This is a VERY, VERY bad idea!!!!!
4. Second time round doesnt usually work out too great, think of
the reasons why you ended it in the first place!!! (in my case i
am trying to prove this wrong!!! It WILL work out better for me
and the current boyfriend this time round, the second, well i
bloody hope so anyway!!)

FINALLY BOTH OF YOU NEED TO TRY AND MAKE THINGS WORK. So good
luck to all of you in a relationship and we hope we have helped
you out with our youthful, but knowledgeable insight to the
world of teenage dating!!

After the annual office party, John woke up with a headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife was preparing breakfast. “Gina,” he moaned, “tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?”

“Even worse,” she declared, her voice dripping with scorn. “You made a complete jerk of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the president of the company to his face!”

“He’s an jerk, piss on him.”

“You did,” Gina informed him. “And he fired you.”

“Well, screw him!,” said John.

“I did. You’re back at work on Monday!”

True bravery is arriving home late after a boy’s night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing